Around an hour later, Iliana finally felt human again. Stranger, though, was the feeling of being a girl. 

After three years of trousers, loose tops, and tight breast bands, wearing feminine clothing again felt foreign. It was the strangest thing to slip on a dress and have the unnerving sensation that her bottom half was naked.

“It suits you,” Rhode said. 

Iliana sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes studying Rhode for some sign of what the siren was thinking. As much as she would have liked to accept the compliment, Iliana knew better. No amount of staring, however, gave her any indication as to what Rhode really thought. Did Iliana look as awkward as she felt? She certainly hoped not. 

Still, it couldn’t be helped. She’d quizzed Rhode about the matter while bathing and discovered the sirens didn’t own a single pair of trousers. Unsurprising, but disappointing. 

“Are you the one in charge here?” Iliana asked. A change of subject was due.

Rhode frowned, settling on the trunk as she had before. “Me?” 

“You seem to be,” Iliana explained with a shrug. “Everyone listens to you.” 

While Iliana was bathing, Dalphie and a few other sirens had come in and out of the cabin. Each time it had been to ask Rhode about differing issues. The requests were met with a purse of Rhode’s lips, a tap of her foot, and a quick solution. Not once had she turned someone away. 

“No,” Rhode said with a shake of her head, then hesitated. “Well, not really. Inna is the one we all answer to.” 

“But out of all the other sirens?” Iliana pressed. 

Rhode crossed her legs, looking distinctly uncomfortable. “I… suppose.” 

That certainly hadn’t been the reaction Iliana’d expected. Still, she’d take it. While she’d bathed, she’d thought. Rhode said Iliana had until she’d fully recovered to make a decision about their offer. Almost every part of her urged her to turn them down. She didn’t want to be a part of this.

But, there were certain appeals. Tiny, unnerving appeals. Sirens were known by myth to be powerful, untouchable creatures. She had never heard a story where a siren lost. 

Imagine, she’d thought, Just imagine a life where I called the shots. 

It was something she’d never had. Even in her earliest recallable years, there’d been this sense of… otherness. As if her life were being guided by an unseen hand. Her fingers brushed over the charms of her anklet, memories flickering through her thoughts. Her mother’s sickness, their resulting poverty, her sister’s marriage… his punishments. Her engagement.

Throughout it all, her voice had been ignored.

The desperate decision to run, to live on the streets, then stow away on the Airlea, had been the first real choices she’d ever made. It had been the first time in her life she felt like she was in control. 

Could that be her always? Never bending to others, but instead freely making her own decisions? 

No. 

The answer reverberated through her bones. 

Agreeing to what they were asking of her would be giving away a part of herself. She’d be turning her back on the memories of her found family, her real family. The sailors who’d taken her in with open arms. 

She’d be siding with their killers. 

“Then you know about everything there is to know here,” Iliana concluded, keeping her thoughts to herself. 

Rhode’s expression shifted from uncomfortable to intrigued. She settled one hand in her lap, using the other to tuck dark curls behind her ear. 

“I suppose,” she agreed. “Ask me anything you’d like. If I don’t know the answer, I’m sure I’ll know who to ask.” 

Iliana’s teeth worried her lip, mind flicking through anything and everything that might be important to know. Finally, she settled on the most pressing. 

“Do sirens ever leave here?” 

Despite the decision being offered as a choice, Iliana couldn’t shake the instinctive feeling that it wasn’t. 

Nothing Rhode, Dalphie, or Melitta had said had implied anything else; but, she couldn’t ignore her intuitive worry. At the same time, the feeling told her to play along. To pretend she wasn’t as against the idea as she was.

The question didn’t seem to come as a surprise to Rhode. She appeared as if she’d expected it. Rhode dropped her free hand into her lap, tapping her fingers against her crossed leg. 

“There’s no rule against it,” Rhode evaded.

Iliana frowned, the response too vague for her liking. 

“But do they leave?” she asked again. 

The siren hesitated, then shrugged. “Not normally, no.” 

“Why?” Iliana challenged. 

“Because there is no way off this island,” Rhode answered, tone light. “Some start out with thoughts of creating one, but they lose them over time. By the time they’re able to breathe beneath the water and think of escaping to Umae’s kingdom, or using it to reach other land, they’ve no wish to leave. It’s comfortable here. We’re a family, and many who come here have never had one.”

“But, if I accepted, then decided I wanted to rejoin the world, there’d be nothing stopping me,” Iliana surmised. 

“Correct.” 

She considered this, drawing her legs up onto the bed. Within the minute she’d moved so she could press her back to the headboard, hands wrapping around her legs. The position made her feel comfortable, safe even. It was as if the smaller she were, the less likely the world was to screw up the idealistic dream building in the back of her thoughts. 

If she ignored her conscience,  Iliana could become a siren, build a ship, and leave this place. She could return home. As a siren, no one could make her marry that horrid man, and if she did marry him, there was no worry of him hurting her. She could get rid of him without breaking a sweat. No one would question where she’d been, at least, not to her face. She could get a job at an inn. There’d be no worries about stray hands touching her. They wouldn’t dare. 

It’d be perfect. 

Then, reality killed the dream, as it so often did. 

Of the “children” races the gods had created, the only one Iliana knew able to have children were the witch doctors. And who knew if that was true. She may not want one now, but what if years from now when she was comfortable, she wanted a kid? What if this decision kept her from it? 

What if this decision kept her from marriage? Who would marry a woman who could kill with her voice? What about one who flinched away from touch? Hell, who would marry a girl who’d disappeared for three years? She’d be known as loose, and no respectable man would have her.

Kain would. A small voice told her. 

She bit her lip again, hard this time. Kain was dead. The sirens killed him. 

“What do you do here?” she asked. “What sort of life is this?” 

Rhode studied her, as if able to see the twisting, aching mess that was Iliana’s entire self, then offered a small smile. It made the mess worse. Why did they have to be so disarming? Why couldn’t they be monsters for her to hate? 

It would make all of this so much easier. 

“A simple one,” Rhode answered. “There is not much to be said of it. It is not special. It is most likely nothing a normal girl would dream for her future. But, for those who end up here… sometimes it has been a dream they’ve had for years. We live without constraint. No one tells you what you must or must not do. Well, within reason. There are a few rules, but they are for your safety more than anything else.” 

“Like what?”

“There are nightmares in the woods,” Rhode explained. “So, it is asked that no one leaves the village without notifying another, and never alone at night. Some of the nightmares, Inna brought here for our protection, others for food. All of them, however, are dangerous. As sirens, we can call them off. A human, however…” 

Iliana’s eyes widened. Melitta had mentioned them, but Iliana hadn’t really considered the danger at the time. nightmares were the creations the gods never meant to exist. They were born out of rage, curses, or even a simple dream. She’d only ever seen weak ones, like goblins and sea serpents, but from the look in Rhode’s eyes, Iliana doubted those were the type Rhode spoke of. 

“I see.” 

Iliana laced her fingers together, turning her thoughts back to the sirens themselves. She needed something to finish off this idea of hers for good. Something beyond the deaths. 

Saying yes to this offer was the worst thing she could do. Iliana liked being human. She liked being her, flaws and all. Sure, she hated herself right now for what had become of the Airlea, but that didn’t mean she wanted to become someone different. 

“Would I still be me?” 

“Sorry?” Rhode asked, knitting her brow. 

“Would I still be me? Would I still have all my wants, dreams, and memories. Would I still like sunsets and hate the dark? Would I miss my crew, and be pissed at this island? Or, would that change? Would I change?” 

Again, Rhode hesitated. “No.” 

Iliana narrowed her eyes. That was suspicious. 

“Really?”

Rhode uncrossed her legs, fingers playing with her skirt. Her eyes seemed to study Iliana, as if searching for the answer to some unspoken question. 

“It is… complicated. But, no, you would still be you.” 

“Complicated how?” 

“Just… complicated. I am not at liberty to explain why without your consent to the ceremony. You understand… it is dangerous if some details ever get out.” 

“I’m not quite sure I do,” Iliana retorted, that uneasy feeling feeding her temper. “Shouldn't I get to know what I’m agreeing to?” 

Rhode stood, stepping over to the basket of baked goods that still rested on the table. Her eyes flicked over it, then back to Iliana, then to the door. She worried the fabric of her dress, her frame tense as she seemed to consider the matter. 

“That is fair… but I still cannot answer,” she said, picking up the basket. 

Iliana frowned. “Are you the same?” 

And yet again, Rhode hesitated. “I would not know.” 

Then, she sat the basket at the side of the bed and retreated to the door. 

“You should rest, and eat,” Rhode said. “I will be back to answer any more questions you might have, but I think you should get some sleep first.” 

“I haven’t been awake for that long,” Iliana argued. 

“There is a difference between rest and unconsciousness,” Rhode replied, her tone gentle. “Rest, and I will think about what more I can share.” She pulled open the door, then paused to look back at Iliana. “This won’t be locked, but I don’t advise going out in your current state. Your head is fine, now, but there’s no guarantee that there isn’t damage I missed. You passing out in some unknown place would be horrible for both of us, I think.” 

Before Iliana could snap a retort, Rhode shut the door behind her. For several quiet moments, Iliana glared at it. Soon, however, she sighed and dropped her gaze to the basket. 

That’s my answer, she thought. Strength or not, I wouldn’t trade me for anyone else. It’d be unfair to Kain. It’d be unfair to all of them. 

Tears formed in her eyes and she beat them back. 

No crying. She had plans to make, which meant she needed to take Rhode’s advice. She’d eat and rest. 

Then, she was getting off of this island.