I get back to my dorm room later that day, after another round with the three of them, to see Sam packing things up.

“Why are you already packing? We don’t leave until next week.”

“Better to be prepared.”

I shake my head at my roommate before I lay down in my bed and check my phone. So many notifications. Texts from Mom asking how I did for finals before her yelling at me for ignoring her, which I still had ignored. Texts from Ken asking which party I had gone to. Instagram tags from that party, which I hope my mom didn’t see. Hook up apps had messages. Snapchat had messages. Facebook even had some notifications, even though I hardly get on there anymore. I grumble to myself before I toss my phone to my side.

“What’s wrong?”

“My phone was getting blown up all last night and this morning.”

“Why didn’t you answer anything?”

“Had it on silent at the party.”

“Why do you always party so much?”

I looked over at Sam to see him staring at me in curiosity. The look in his eyes made me realize he really wanted to know. Maybe I misjudged Sam. Maybe he wanted to break out of his shell. I don’t know.

“Cause I get to spend time with friends, make new friends, and just have a good time. Although I don’t remember all of it afterwards. Don’t you ever want to party?”

He immediately started to bite his lower lip and I realized that yes he did want to break out of his shell. I sat up so I could get a better look at him. He looked nervous.

“Just parties have a lot of sin to them.” He finally said with a cracking voice.

“Look I really don’t know anything about Christianity and all that, but it sounds like there are a lot of rules that really don’t allow you to do much. You’re never gonna realize what you like if you don’t experience some shit.” I tried my best to sound comforting. Sam wasn’t a bad dude. I might even consider him something like a friend, just not one that would be in my social circle.

“I know.” Tears were actually starting to fall. “I want to try new things. I always have. I just don’t know where to start. No one really likes me so I don’t have a lot of friends here. The ones I do have are in Bible study with me so they wouldn’t try new things. I just don’t wanna disappoint my family and make them think I’m going to hell.”

“I get it.” I really did. I remember after my first time really crushing hard on a guy I was afraid to tell my mother. I didn’t want to disappoint her. It was bad enough that I felt disappointed in myself. Of course Dr. Robert caught onto all of that.

I took a deep breath. If I talked to him about all that he might get afraid, but maybe he does just need someone to talk to. “I’m bi. So I know how it feels to think that you’ll be a disappointment to your family. I was so afraid to come out that it actually made me sick to my stomach. I was only able to get over it by talking to my therapist. If you need someone to talk to then I can listen.”

I looked up at Sam to see him looking at me in shock. Shit. He’s gonna run away now. It surprised me when he sat down on his bed nodding his head.

“Thanks for saying that.”

Wow he actually thanked me. Maybe he’s not a total stick in the mud. But then he actually started to break down crying right there. I’m so not equipped to handle this.

“What’s wrong?” Sounds so dumb but what else can I say?

“I’m a coward. That’s what’s wrong. I can’t stand up for myself. I can’t be who I want to be. I can’t be like you.”

“Sam look at me.” He slowly looked up. I held his attention as I said, “You can be who you want to be. You just gotta learn to stick up for yourself.”

“How?”

I leaned back in my bed and thought about it until probably a stupid idea came to mind. I stood up and told him to follow me. I led him outside and out to a parking lot. “Scream out at the top of your lungs.”

“Here?”

I nodded. He looked around before he made a very pitiful squeak. I sighed before I lifted my head up to the sky and just bellowed out. I don’t know what I said. It might have just been screaming. But I did it as loud as I could. I looked over at him and told him to do it again, like I did. Sam was trembling. He looked around him again before he took a deep breath and screamed. I couldn’t help but to laugh at this poor little kid screaming.

“What was that about?”

“Feel better? Felt good to just do something crazy?”

“It felt crazy yeah.” He couldn’t help but to laugh.

“That’s your first step. Something crazy that you wouldn’t normally do.”

“Thanks.” And then he smiled at me. Like a real warm smile that made even me feel good. I couldn’t help but return his smile.

“Let’s get back inside. I’m freezing my balls off.”

He laughed as we ran back to the dorms. Once we were in the elevator he looked up at me and smiled again.

“What’s up?” I had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. He had made me sit through too many of his Hallmark movies to not know where his mind was going.

“Just no one has actually shown me they’re my friend like that. Really. Thank you.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.” Okay maybe I was wrong. I watched him as he stared at the doors with his big smile on his face. Once we got to our floor he walked out with me behind him. I could see that there was now a bounce in his step. I shook my head as I followed after him.

When I got into the room I saw him sitting at his desk and pulling out his laptop and start typing. I looked over his shoulder to see him writing a list.

“What’s that?”

“What I want to try but too afraid to do.”

I read over his list to see basic things like watch anime, play video games, skip a Bible study, cuss. But then I noticed other things like drink a beer, watch porn, have sex. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What’s wrong?”

“You can’t just make a list and go through it checking it off. You gotta just go with what you want to do.”

“How?”

“Well what is that you want to do right now?”

He went completely red. Shit I didn’t mean to embarrass him. Before I could say anything though he asked, “What’s it like to jerk off?”

I don’t know what came over me but I started laughing. I collapsed in my bed just laughing while he was growing even redder.

“Sorry.” I managed to say pushing the tears out of my eyes.

“I’m being serious here.”

“I know. Just I don’t really know how to explain it. Like Have you ever felt anything just so built up in you and then once it comes out you feel all relaxed?”

“Like after a big poop after Thanksgiving?”

“Not how I would have put it. Try something for me though. Say shit.” I swear it was like asking a little kid to cuss. He turned pale before he looked around, like who’s gonna be in our dorm room to catch him cussing the first time. He then quietly said it. “I couldn’t hear that.”

“Shit.” Barely more than a whisper but progress.