Five o’clock was decades away. Actually, it was just thirty minutes, but after spending that entire day waiting for the right time to arrive, it did feel like an eternity. I had no focus, so I couldn’t do anything. Just wait. Wait as the minutes went by as slowly as possible…

I wanted to see him. Being left all alone in my silent apartment was slowly eating me away, piece by piece, and more than once… no… more than a hundred times I found myself telling myself I shouldn’t go to the gym at five. Or ever. I even considered moving far away from that place.

And him.

But I wanted to see him.

It was scary, yes, but I was in a place where I was able to fight off the fear, and my father’s words. It was a long-ass day, but it was almost five. Only thirty minutes… No, actually, fifteen minutes. I didn’t have to wait until five. I could just go now.

But I stayed on the couch, staring at my watch. My feet didn’t obey me for some reason. I couldn’t get up. My strength was gone.

“What the fuck are you doing…?” I whispered, hiding my face behind my hand.

Cole…

“I completely understand if you don’t feel like it, so no pressure.”

I stood up before I even noticed it. Suddenly, it was easy to go grab my bag and walk to the door. I only stopped to put on my shoes and jacket before heading out of the apartment. I was early, but I didn’t care. I knew that if I stopped now, I wouldn’t be able to go.

The closer I got to the gym, the better I felt. It wasn’t a major improvement, but an improvement, nonetheless. And then I was standing at the door. I stared at my own reflection in the glass, trying to see myself as the person I was supposed to be, not as the one my father wanted. I tried to see someone in the image staring back at me, but all I could see was the empty shell. There was no one looking back at me. The lights were on, but no one was home.

What was I doing?

What was I doing…? Why did I even try? I was nothing. There was nothing under my skin. I wasn’t a person. I was air. Just like my father always said. Meaningless. Waste of space. Not worthy of having a life.

Why would anyone want to have anything to do with me?

“Hi.”

In the glass door, I saw Cole standing behind me. I wanted to leave so badly… I didn’t want to be there. Why did I come? Why did I bother?

Where was that strength when I desperately needed it?

“It’s a great day for a workout, don’t you think?” he asked with a smile, looking up at the dark-gray sky.

Slowly, I turned to face him. Part of me still wanted to run away, but his voice had gained the attention of the rest of me.

“I guess,” I muttered.

He walked to the door, laying his eyes on me. “Ready to get sweaty?”

He smelled great…

“Sure,” I said, taking a better hold on my bag while opening the door for us.

I was surprisingly nervous by the time we stepped into the locker room. I tried not to stare at him too much, but it wasn’t easy. It was difficult to believe I didn’t run away; that I was actually there with him…

And… I was… excited about it?

“How are you doing?” Cole asked quietly.

I stared at the locker in front of me for a moment. I… didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, or if I even wanted to say anything.

“I… it’s the same…” I ended up muttering. For some reason, my father was silent this time. I didn’t know why I was admitting stuff like that to Cole, a guy I barely knew… “I shouldn’t bother you about this…”

“To be honest, I think you should,” he said, and I glanced at him. He gave me a crooked smile. “I am a bartender – we’re basically psychiatrists without a license.”

I snorted in amusement and turned to sit down on the bench to change my shoes. “Trust me, you don’t want to shrink me.”

“Let me be the judge of that,” he smirked, sitting down opposite of me. “So! What are we doing today? Legs?”

“Legs sounds fine,” I shrugged. “I don’t have a schedule right now…”

“We should take it easy then,” he said.

I looked at him closely – more closely than I probably should have – and felt odd. He had a gray tank top and matching shorts on him, and his tanned, muscular body looked great in them. The second that thought passed through my mind, I turned to look away, feeling flustered, and my father’s voice started whispering in my ear.

“You must want to get raped…”

Cole stood up, but I couldn’t. He took a few steps away and realized I wasn’t following. From the corner of my eye, I saw him looking at me before taking a step back.

“Not ready yet?” he asked quietly.

I shook my head, and he sat back down.

“Aight.”

I was disgusted by my own thoughts, just like my father had taught me. All those positive thoughts, that positive mood I had been in was long gone by now. I just wanted to go home… I was fooling myself… I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be around him. I wasn’t normal.

“You should go,” I murmured. “I don’t think I…”

He waited for me to continue, but I didn’t. I felt so defeated…

“Is it this place that makes you feel bad?” he asked.

I took a short look at him and shook my head.

“Is it… me?” he continued carefully.

Yes. I didn’t say it out loud, but my silence was a clear answer.

“Shit…” he breathed out, leaning against the lockers. “Do you want me to stay away?”

“No,” I said so fast I surprised even myself. “I’ve got… issues… but staying away doesn’t help.”

“I see,” he said, giving me a tentative smile. “How about we take it easy, hmm? I’d like to get to know you better… There aren’t many guys my age I know around here, so… I’d like us to be friends.”

“Why me?” I asked. “I’m a mess…”

“Because I was a mess too,” he said, and I could almost see a shadow flickering in his eyes for a moment. “Spent a fortune on therapy to become this semi-balanced guy you’re looking at right now.”

“Only semi-balanced?” I asked.

“Some things never go away,” he said quietly. “But I’m taking it one day at a time.”

I nodded slowly, somehow feeling better again. He watched me for a long time, and I didn’t even start to feel uncomfortable. Then he leaned back.

“I don’t know if I should show you this, but…” he muttered, pulling his shirt up to show me his side. He had a nasty scar just above his waist. “Being a gay guy in a place where people wish to see us dead will leave some marks… That’s why I moved here. It’s so much better for us here…”

“Is that a… stab wound?” I asked in horror, and he nodded, letting the shirt fall back down.

“The neighbor didn’t like me,” he said. “Still having nightmares about it…”

I leaned back in my seat as well. “I’m sorry… That’s so fucked up…”

“I survived,” he said, his eyes never leaving mine.

We were silent for a moment, just staring at each other, but then he turned to look at the door leading to the gym. “Do you want to go grab a beer instead?” he asked.

“Nah… leg day. I shouldn’t let myself get out of shape,” I said, finally getting up from the bench.

He smirked and followed my example. Once we were almost at the door, I stopped him and touched my temple.

“This is the first one,” I said quietly, knowing he could barely see the faded scar next to my hairline. “My… old man… he threw a laptop at me.”

“First one, huh?” he repeated in a sad voice.

“First of many,” I said, nodding as I opened the door.

We dropped that topic after that, and just focused on working out. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed having company, someone to talk to. As long as we kept talking about weights and routines, I was feeling quite comfortable.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about his scar… Such an ugly thing on the otherwise perfect body… I saw him in a completely different light. Hell, I think I saw myself in a completely different light.

I wasn’t the only one who had suffered.