Five o’clock was decades away. Well, there were just thirty minutes left before I could get going, but after spending the entire day waiting for the right time to leave for the gym, it might as well been an eternity. My focus was gone the second I woke up in the morning, so I never had a chance to do anything else but wait. Wait as the minutes went by as slowly as possible…

Wait and battle against myself.

Being left all alone in my silent apartment was slowly eating away at me. My erratic thoughts took pieces of my sanity, and more than once… no… more than a hundred times, I found myself deciding not to go to the gym at five. Or ever. I even considered moving far away from that place.

And him.

But I wanted to see him.

Seeing him scared me, but at the same time, I was strong enough to keep fighting that fear and my father’s words. It had been a long, long day, but it was almost five. Only thirty minutes… No, actually, fifteen minutes. I didn’t have to wait until five. I could just leave already.

But I stayed on the couch, staring at my watch. My feet didn’t obey me for some reason. I couldn’t get up. My strength was gone, stolen by the thought of seeing Cole.

“What the fuck are you doing…?” I whispered, hiding my face behind my hand.

I couldn’t go. Why did I ever think I could go, knowing what he wanted from me…? Knowing he was… he was one of them. My father’s words grew stronger, gaining space, and stealing my energy.

“Dirty fags!”

N-no… They weren’t… They weren’t like… like that…

Cole…

“I completely understand if you don’t feel like it, so no pressure.”

I stood up before I even noticed it. Suddenly, it was easy to go grab my bag and walk to the door. I only stopped to put on my jacket and shoes, then headed out of the apartment. I was early, but I didn’t care. I knew if I stopped now, that would be it. I’d lose.

So I couldn’t stop.

The closer I got to the gym, the better I felt. It wasn’t a major improvement, but an improvement, nonetheless. And then I was already standing at the door. I stared at my own reflection in the glass, trying to see myself as the person I was supposed to be, not as the one my father created. I tried to see someone in the image that was staring back at me, but there was only the empty shell. There was no one looking back at me. The lights were on, but no one was home.

What was I doing?

What was I doing…? Why did I even try? I was nothing. There was nothing under my skin. I wasn’t a person. I was air. Just like my father always said. Meaningless. Waste of space. Not worthy of having a life.

Why would anyone want to have anything to do with me?

“Hi.”

In the glass door, I saw Cole standing behind me. I wanted to leave so badly… I didn’t want to be there. Why did I come? Why did I bother?

Where was that strength now that I desperately needed it?

“It’s a great day for a workout, don’t you think?” he asked with a smile, looking up at the dark-gray sky.

Slowly, I turned to face him. Part of me still wanted to run away, but his voice was gaining my attention.

“I guess,” I muttered.

He slowly made his way to me, his eyes now on me.

“Ready to get sweaty?”

He smelled great…

“Sure,” I said, taking a better hold on my bag while opening the door for us.

I was surprisingly nervous by the time we stepped into the locker room. I tried not to stare at him too much, but it wasn’t easy. It was even harder to believe I wasn’t running away, that I was actually there with him.

And… I was… excited about it?

“How are you doing?” Cole asked quietly after we’d changed our clothes in silence.

I stared at the locker in front of me for a moment. I… didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, or if I even wanted to say anything at all.

“I… it’s the same…” I ended up muttering. For some reason, my father was silent this time. I didn’t know why I was admitting stuff like that to Cole, a guy I barely knew… “I shouldn’t bother you about this…”

“I think you should,” he said softly, and I glanced at him. He gave me a crooked smile. “I am a bartender. We’re basically psychiatrists without a license.”

I snorted in amusement and turned to sit down on the bench to change my shoes.

“Trust me, you don’t want to shrink me,” I told him quietly

“Let me be the judge of that,” he said gently while sitting down opposite of me. “So! What are we doing today? Legs?”

“Legs sounds fine,” I muttered with a shrug. “I don’t have a schedule right now…”

“We should take it easy then,” he said.

I looked at him closely – more closely than I probably should have – and felt odd. He had a gray tank top and matching shorts on him, and his tanned, muscular body looked great in them. The second that thought passed through my mind, I turned to look away, feeling flustered.

And my father’s voice started whispering in my ear…

“You must want to get raped…”

Cole stood up, but I couldn’t. He took a few steps away and realized I wasn’t following. From the corner of my eye, I saw him looking at me before taking a step back.

“Not ready yet?” he asked quietly.

I shook my head, and he sat back down.

“Aight.”

I was disgusted by my own thoughts, just like my father had taught me. All those positive thoughts, that positive mood I’d been in, were long gone. I just wanted to go home… I was fooling myself… I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be around him. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal.

“You should go,” I murmured. “I don’t think I…”

He waited for me to continue, but I didn’t. I felt so defeated…

“Is it this place that makes you feel bad?” he asked.

I took a short look at him, then shook my head.

“Is it… me?” he continued carefully.

Yes. I didn’t say it out loud, but my silence was a clear answer.

“Shit…” he breathed out, leaning against the lockers. “Do you want me to stay away?”

“No,” I said so fast I surprised even myself. “I’ve got… issues… but staying away doesn’t help.”

“I see,” he said, giving me a tentative smile. “How about we take it easy, hmm? I’d like to get to know you better… There are not many guys my age I know around here, so… I’d like us to be friends.”

“Why me?” I asked. “I’m a mess…”

“Because I was a mess too,” he said, and I could see shadows flickering in his eyes for a moment. “Spent a fortune on therapy to become this semi-balanced guy you’re looking at right now.”

“Only semi-balanced?” I asked.

“Some things never go away,” he said quietly. “But I’m taking it one day at a time.”

I nodded slowly, somehow feeling better again. He watched me for a long time, and I didn’t even feel uncomfortable. Then he leaned back.

“I don’t know if I should show you this, but…” he muttered, pulling his shirt up to show me his side. He had a nasty scar just above his waist. “Being a gay guy in a place where people wish to see us dead will leave some marks… That’s why I moved here. It’s so much better for us here…”

“Is that a… stab wound?” I asked in horror, and he nodded, letting the shirt fall back down.

“The neighbor didn’t like me,” he said. “Still having nightmares about it…”

I leaned back in my seat as well. “I’m sorry… That’s so fucked up…”

“I survived,” he said, his eyes never leaving mine.

We were silent for a moment, just staring at each other, but then he turned to look at the door that led into the gym. “Do you want to go grab a beer instead?” he asked.

“Nah… leg day. I shouldn’t let myself get out of shape,” I said, finally getting up from the bench.

He smirked and followed my example. Once we were almost at the door, I stopped him and touched my temple.

“This is the first one,” I said quietly, knowing he could barely see the faded scar next to my hairline. “My… old man… he threw a laptop at me.”

“First one, huh?” he repeated in a sad voice.

“First of many,” I muttered before opening the door.

We dropped that topic after that, and just focused on working out. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed having company, someone to talk to. As long as we kept talking about weights and routines, I was feeling quite comfortable.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about his scar… Such an ugly thing on the otherwise perfect body… I saw him in a completely different light. Hell, I think I saw myself in a completely different light.

I wasn’t the only one who had suffered.