I almost cried in English today. Luckily I held it in and was able to make it through the day, but homework was another story. As soon as I pulled out my math textbook to get started, the waterworks began. There was just so muchhhhhh that I had to do. Missing quizzes, math, chem I couldn't wrap my head around in class, 6 page paper due Sunday, practice, practice, practice, and oh yea.. work out, but it didn't seem to work out that way. 

This is how it actually panned out: 

Math, cry, calm down, shower, cry in shower, start chem, read a text message, cry, finish half of it, lay in bed, cry, get up to blow nose, cry, fall asleep. Wake up, panic, get dressed, don't cry. Meeting, finish more chem, class, class, class, finish chem, don't cry, chem, don't cry, go home, repeat. 

I wasn't crying because no one believed in me, or even the fact that I couldn't finish my homework in time. I most certainly could, that was evident. No, I was crying because I thought so little of myself. How could I take a nap and allow this to happen? How could I have wasted time on the phone with a boy when I had all of this shit to do? How could I let all of my quizzes back up, and now risk failing my class?? It wasn't that I thought little of my capabilities in doing what I needed to do; I thought little of my capability to make decisions that would allow me to thrive.

You'd think with the knowledge that I'm capable of accomplishing wondrous things my brain would encourage me. Nope. My inner voice was shouting out at me all of the reasonable constructive critiques on how to fix my life in an unreasonable nonconstructive way. I knew it wasn't true, at least not in the way my mind was making things out to be, but it was impossible to block. I couldn't stop the barrage of bullets. I just couldn't. The words were shooting down every mental barrier I was too weak to put up.

Everything's a trigger when all you know is guns.

Imagine your own brain is shouting out at you just how awful and horrible you are. How are you supposed to fight the world, when you're too busy fighting yourself? How can you overcome your insecurities when your bully is your own mind? How can you be a good friend, when you aren't good to yourself? 

You can't. At least not in those moments, but with a little push we now enter shovel mode. A mode where I push the anxiety aside to do what I need to do. There's no time to be anxious, when you've got a 9-to-5, a 5-to-9 and a social life. Nope, absolutely no time for anxiety. There's just enough time for shoveling though, and that's how I end every day shoveling through all my responsibilities and social obligations. They should really believe me when I tell them that I'm not a good person. I mean would a good person bully them self? I think not.