Three weeks before...

Anxiety is a cruel thing. It makes everywhere feel unsafe and makes everything you do feel wrong. It pulls you down, drags you under and suffocates your lungs. It makes you think it is a friend, but you know deep down that it is your worst enemy.

It was a typical Monday, the day that sucks for everyone else. For me, it simply blends into every other day. They all suck for me.

I lay in bed and listened to the sound of life in the other rooms of the house. My mother was always up first, getting everything ready for my sister Josie and I before Josie drove us both to school. My father followed, ten minutes later to head to his job downtown. He knocked on my door and said goodbye through the wood before he stomped down the stairs with his big feet. I didn't reply to him.

Next up was Josie, one year older than me at eighteen. Her knock at my door was more forceful and annoying. "Your ass in the car in fifteen minutes or I'm leaving you behind!" she shouted before she rushed down the stairs.

She always seemed to be in a hurry.

I groaned into my pillow, wishing for more sleep. Another night of struggling with insomnia wasn't a great way to start the day. I got up anyway, though, believing Josie's threat. Mum would have to drive me to school if Josie left me behind, and that would be too embarrassing to live through. 

Sitting up, I slipped off of the mattress and onto my feet. My bones felt like they were made of lead. My head swam like I was underwater. I sat back down and looked over to my nightstand, knowing what I would see there.

Anti-anxiety pills. The ammunition I needed for the day.

I took two and headed downstairs, praying silently that I would make it through today.

Josie and mum were talking about me. I heard my name as I descended the stairs and deliberately slowed down to listen.

"... worried about her when I leave for my classes," Josie was saying quietly. "I wonder what the other kids will say to her, what she'll do if something goes wrong during the lesson... The list is endless."

My heart clenched at how sad Josie sounded. She was scared for me?

"I know, Jose, but she has her medication," mum replied as she sizzled away at the stovetop. "All you can do is check up on her when you can and let her know your there for her."

Josie sighed. "I know, but my friends, they... they don't get it. They don't like it when I go over to her at lunchtime, let alone sit with her the entire time."

Mum was silent for a moment, then asked, "Your friends have a problem, or does Nick have a problem?"

Silence fell over the kitchen. Josie's boyfriend Nick was a jerk. 'Nick the Prick' is what I called him behind their backs. He hated it when Josie checked up on me. He didn't understand my anxiety issues and didn't try to.

I was out of steps on the stairway, so I stepped out into the kitchen. My mind was foggy from the pills and I was desperately tired, but my heart still hurt as I saw the guilt on the faces of my mother and sister. I smiled weakly at them in greeting.

Josie swallowed hard and turned to her plate as mum loaded it with eggs. Josie was a tough nut to crack. She acted like she hated taking care of me most of the time, but I always knew she cared when she looked for me in the hallways at school and asked the silent question with her eyes during lunch as she passed. She always had my back, even if she never admit it openly.

Mum kissed me in the cheek as she dished up my own breakfast. She didn't ask how I had slept or how I felt that morning. She already knew. She always did. Instead she sat down with the both of us and talked about the mundane. Weather, politics, girl stuff... whatever didn't involve my anxiety disorder.

As always, I was more than happy to ignore the elephant in the room. After all, none of us knew how to sate it's hungry apatite for my happiness. Therapy didn't help, distractions never worked. The medication I took handled the worst of it.

The ride to school was quiet. Josie played her punk music, but kept it quiet. She knew it bothered me when it was too loud. Every now and then she would point something out on the way to school, but there was little to talk about on a Monday.

Nick the Prick was waiting for Josie already in the carpark. As she parked and turned off the ignition, she turned in her chair to face me. I readied myself for the usual morning talk.

"Okay, you know the drill, Kaye. Keep your pills..."

"In my pocket at all times," I answered her.

She nodded. "If things get tough..."

"Take one."

"If they get out of control..."

"Take another."

She nodded again, her eyes flicking to her boyfriend. He had his arms crossed impatiently. "In an emergency..."

"Message you and go down to the office to call mum."

She gave me a small smile and touched my shoulder. "Good girl. I'll check in at lunchtime, okay?"

I nodded, my nerves starting to grate together as the sounds of the school parking lot grew louder. More people were arriving. The cacophony of their voices had me on edge already. The pills were burning a hole in the pocket of my jacket.

As always, Josie waited for me to leave the car first. It took me a moment, but I always did in the end. I climbed out slowly, pulled my hood over my face as soon as I was outside of the vehicle. Nick was already on his way over to Josie. She kissed him on the mouth and took his hand as she locked up the car, then walked with me up to the entrance of the school. Once inside, she gave me a quick hug goodbye before Nick all but pulled her from me. Then she was gone, and I was alone.

My heart hammered in my chest and my lungs were tight, but I repeated a trusted mantra in my head. 

'Twenty four hours. Breathe. Twenty four hours. Breathe.'

All I had to do was get through today. I would battle Tuesday when it came.

With my hood pulled over my face, I plunged into the crowd.