Lost

Aiden

I couldn’t believe he’d hit me. I mean sure, I’d hurt him by outing him like that but I was hopeful that he would let me explain. I guess not. I tried to walk as slow as possible to Mr Jones office but Dylan kept glaring at me so I picked up speed and caught up to him and Mr Farrow. I was not looking forward to this meeting at all.

After what seemed like hours Mr Jones finally let us both go with just a warning. The relief on Dylans face when he realised that our parents wouldn’t be called was almost comical. He had the best relationship with his mother, to the point that all of us were envious of how close they were. His mother was awesome and welcomed all of us whenever we saw her. My parents were pretty good but I was worried about what they would think if they found out I was gay. Or Bi. Or whatever I was. Dad had some old fashioned ideas about men and women but Mum was more open minded. I really wished I could talk to Dylan about all this. The months that we were together was the happiest I’d ever been. But now I was lost. I had no-one to talk to about this. I had no idea how my mates would react even though they all seemed to take Dylan being gay okay. I needed to try again to get him to talk to me.

I tried to catch up to him as he walked away but as I turned the corner I heard some guys talking and it sounded like they said his name.

“Fuck that fag. He thinks he can just get all his friends to stop me from surfing? Fuck that. If I can’t surf I may as well make him pay for it anyway.”  It was Josh and his little group of dickhead friends.

“What should we do?” Matthew asked.

“He walks home after school so I think we’ll get him at the park just down the road from his place, yeah?” Josh laughed. “I can’t wait to smash his stupid fucking face. We just have to make sure we don’t get caught because I think Carlos and his brothers would come after us.” Even knowing that he was risking getting beat himself, Josh was determined to make Dylan pay for being gay.

I backed away from the group a quietly as possible and ran to find Dylan to warn him. I saw him sitting with a group of our friends and quickly made my way over.

“Dylan, I know you’re pissed at me but I just heard Josh talking about attacking you on your way home today. They are going to be waiting at the park near your home.’ I said it in a rush hoping he’d take me seriously.

“What? No way.” Alex scoffed. “He’s way too scared of what will happen if he touches Dyl.”

“No, he’s not. He figures he’s got nothing to lose now so he wants Dylan to pay.” I explained more of what I had heard watching Dylan the whole time. He wasn’t looking at me just staring off into space.

“I’ll take care of it. Thanks, mate.” Alex nodded at me.

Dylan finally looked over at me. “Yeah, thanks. Mate.”

Damn that hurt. He was putting me back into the friend zone in the only way he could in public. It didn’t matter that I brought this on myself. It hurt. I missed him so much and it had only been a few days. But it had been months of being together, of sharing our lives even though it was in secret. I wanted it back. I wanted him back.

“So, Aiden, why’d you do it? Why would you say what you did? I thought you and Dyl were friends?” Alex questioned. Everyone else in the group fell silent and waited to hear what my response would be. I didn’t know what to say. Could I say I was jealous? Could I out myself and come clean? I didn’t know.

“Just leave it, Alex. It doesn’t matter why.” Dylans voice was quiet and he sounded tired. “In the end it’s kind of a relief to get it out there so you all know. I mean, I could do without Josh and his stupidity.” He grinned at Alex and turned to me. “Don’t worry about it anymore. It’s done. We’re all good, yeah?”

No, no we weren’t all good. I’d fucked up the best thing in my life but I couldn’t say all that.

“Yeah sure. It was a dick move though.” I looked away as I spoke.

There was a small silence and then Dylan snort laughed.

“Literally a dick move.” He completely lost it then and laughed until he had tears in his eyes. Everyone else finally got why he was laughing and joined him. But I didn’t. Because it wasn’t funny to me. All I could do was half heartedly smile and stand up to go to class. This had been the longest lunch ever.

Over the next few weeks it seemed that Dylan had found a way to move on and he didn’t seem to care about me at all. Oh, he would talk if we were all in a big group but other than he pretty much ignored me. I didn’t feel like I fit in with our group anymore. I know they all looked at me differently since what they all now called my big dick move. I’m sure they didn’t trust me and knowing I’d done it to myself just made it harder to cope. I could feel my world unravelling more and more every day and no-one seemed to notice. I wasn’t sleeping and my grades were slipping to the point that my parents had been notified. All that did was get me grounded from going surfing. But I didn’t even surf anymore. Every time I had ventured to the beach all I could see was Dylan out in the water. He was always surrounded by a group of people and he was always laughing. I just sat on the beach and looked my fill of his sun bleached hair and watched as he owned every wave he caught. I had heard that he had been scouted by a big name surf clothing company to go on tour and he was thinking of dropping out of school to do it. I wanted that for him. He deserved to succeed at surfing because he was amazing. He lived for the time he spent here.

Luckily nothing ever came from Josh and his friends. Once Alex put the word out about their plans Josh was quickly encouraged to find a new school and a new beach to surf at. The crew that Alex was a part of didn’t mess around when it came to one of their own. It was good that he had that kind of support.

Today I was torturing myself by watching as Dylan competed in a surf comp at our local beach and wishing I could be by his side to cheer him on. Instead, I sat by myself and just watched as he shred wave after wave. As he came in from his final wave of the day I knew he’d won. That kind of talent was rare and it was about time he was noticed.

I stood up ready to leave when all of a sudden Dylan turned and looked straight at me. All I could do was stare back at him. He set his board down on the sand and said something to Alex before starting to walk towards me. My heart was racing and part of me wanted to run away as fast as I could, but, I stood there and watched, as the boy I loved, confidently strode up to me.

“Aiden.”

It was only one word but the sound of his voice saying my name broke something inside me.  I reached out and pulled him towards me and kissed him. I kissed him with all the love, all the sorrow, all the fear I felt. I kissed him as hard as I could and put my goodbye into that kiss. I knew it was time to let him go and to find my new normal.

I stepped back, wiped the tears from my face and smiled at him.

“I’m so sorry for what I did. I was jealous and didn’t want anyone else to have you. I was selfish and what I did was cruel. I miss you.” I couldn’t look at him as I spoke.

“I miss you too.” He whispered back.

“Congrats on the win today. I’ve gotta go.” Turning away I walked away from the boy who owned my heart. I walked away from the life I wanted.

I got to the top of the dune and looked back one final time. Dylan was still in the same spot watching me. It seemed that was all we did lately. Watch each other from a distance. But I was finally finding out that only I could change my life. Only I could stop myself from being lost. I waved goodbye and savoured the sight of him.