BEAU WAS NOT GLAD he did it at all. He woke up Saturday morning with a very bad feeling in his stomach. It’s been two weeks of constant writing notes and sneaking them in unnoticed. Anxiety was starting to get him no matter how much he tried to keep his calm. He had a very restless sleep at night with him tossing and turning. Beau wanted to stop but every time he sees Mylo he felt a burst of sudden courage and once he put the notes the regret come crashing down on him.

It was when he got to work that the bad feeling got worse. The last time he sneaked a note was on his last shift on and whenever he could he would sneak some cute drawing or note with a message on in Mylo’s bag.  This week he had three days off which was unusual but he needed it to catch up with his classes. He worked the Wednesday and Friday afternoon shift. Tommy called him to asked if he could work the Saturday morning shift this time.

He had the morning shift after a while which was a nice change. Morning shift are just as busy since it’s the time everyone want caffeine to take on the day.

The shift itself was normal, nothing to noticeably wrong or weird, beside the groggy and grumpy buyers. He worked with Tommy and Tania, a pretty Mexican woman that usually takes the morning shifts and Tommy hired someone new, finally. A high school student from another school, his name’s Daniel and he had worked in another coffee shop before. Tommy was glad he didn’t need to train him much besides teaching him the menu and where everything was.

Daniel was friendly and open so many regular costumers liked him and he’s fast learner. Beau had no problem with the guy. He wasn’t the problem.

Beau was doing his task of making the many orders and packing cakes to muffins as well as the drinks, giving them to their waiting buyers. It was when he was making a very familiar drink; an iced cinnamon coffee with extra cinnamon that the bad feeling got worse. When he saw the name on the cup, he wanted to run far away as he can. He glanced around the coffee shop for the male that loved cinnamon. He saw him standing there, his eyes scrutinizing every one of the workers. It was startling seeing that expression on the male’s face.

His eyes met his and he flinched slightly, quickly looking away guilty. He made the drink faster than ever. He called the name waiting for Mylo to get his drink, he watched as the long haired male walked over. Mylo had a complicated expression he could read and it made the feeling in his gut twist.

“Hi.” He awkwardly greeted him, handing the cup. Mylo took the drink, his eyes watching him like a hawk. “Hi.” Mylo glanced down at his hand still holding the cup; he took it from him and waved leaving. Beau watched him go, his eyes following until he completely left his sight. Maybe he shouldn’t have started the whole note thing again Mylo had been acting slightly different not bad or suspicious but there had been a change. It made his stomach twist around.

Maybe if he had confessed like a normal person and rip off the bandage and get rejected then maybe he wouldn’t have this bad feeling and nerve all the time. He’ll cry for a few days’ maybe months but at least he would get his feelings across in a better way.

He went back to work crestfallen and barely focusing on his work but this time he kept his focus not to mess up at work as well. Throughout his shift he had to force lips to smile. Tommy had asked him if he was okay and honestly he wasn’t but he lied to his manager. The thought of Mylo hating him or be disgusted with him hurt him more than he expected. The rejection he was expecting might happen faster than he thought.

On his way home, he took a detour to the park. It had been a while since he went there to people watch and sketch. So he decided to do so today. He found a nice bench with a great view of the park and pulled out his sketchbook. Going through it till he found an empty page, he took out his pencil and drew anything and anyone he saw. He drew an elderly couple walking by with their pet dog, a running woman that passed him by three times, a cute group of children and so on.

It relaxed him quite a bit, he was still on edge like something would creep on him and he’ll go back to overthinking. Yet he kept his focus solely on the page in front of him and his pencil in his hand. The feeling of his pencil scratching the paper creating a nice picture made him feel better but the feeling didn’t leave him and kept creeping out every time he stopped sketching. At the back of his mind it was still there, slowly brewing.

On his last drawing before packing up he felt someone sit next to him. Beau didn’t look up to the person as it was a usual occurrence that someone would sit down. He focused more on his current drawing. At first he wanted to draw another couple in the park but after seeing them he thought of what he wished would happen between him and Mylo, a dream he had since his eyes first landed on the male.

Back then it was during his first time working in the coffee shop and was still learning the ropes of the place. It was a mess back then especially since it was also the first time he had to deal with a lot of costumers at the same time but when he first laid his eyes on the long haired man waiting in line with a pout on his pursed lips, it was like time had stopped and it was just him and the male he didn’t even know. Maybe he fell hard too fast for a total stranger but it was the first time he felt so strongly about someone.

Beau decided to draw that moment. Mylo stood in the coffee shop alone, with his long black hair in a high ponytail and his glasses on looking up at the menu. He had a pondering expression and his pursed lips and he would sometimes bite his bottom lips in frustration, he tiredly stood in the line waiting for his turn, and his clothes were a bit messy from a long day.

Beau remembered it like it was yesterday.

He created the sketch of Mylo just like he remembered, not one detailed missing. It was like Mylo was living and breathing on the paper. His pencil never left the paper until he was satisfied with the sketch.

“I knew it.”

Beau eyes snapped up, his eyes focusing back to the world around him. The voice that spoke startled him.

His eyes widened, the person next him was staring straight at him. He didn’t notice the pencil slipping from his fingers or the fact that his hands had started to shake. No, his eyes stayed glued on the guy in front of him, the same on he sketched.

Mylo was sitting next him with his eyes on him, watching him with an unreadable expression.

The gut wrenching feeling from this morning returned making him want to throw up. Mylo was sitting next to him the whole time and he didn’t realize it until Mylo spoke up. Mylo had seen him sketch him, watching him without saying anything. Beau whole face paled in fear, his mind blanking out.

He stood up abruptly grabbing his bag, he couldn’t look at Mylo. He didn’t want to see the disgust in his eyes and the scorn on his face. He started running, not caring if he left anything else behind. He had to escape from whatever words would be spitted at him.

“Wait!” Mylo called out to him. “B!”

Beau glanced behind him, seeing Mylo standing by the bench with his hand stretched out. He couldn’t see his expression clearly but he guessed Mylo probably felt disgusted with him.

He ran for a long time with tears in his eyes and an aching heart.

Beau didn’t remember how he got home. When he stopped running he was in front of his front door panting out of breath. The house was empty as always and Toto was sleeping in the living room. He made his way to his bedroom and collapse on his bed. He cried on his pillow, silently sobbing.

Jaslene recital was the following day and all the excitement he had before had stayed with the male he ran away from.  The morning he woke up, his face had tear marks and he barely mustered any energy to get out of bed.  Aunt May was home for once and she was watching TV and playing with Toto. She was in a good mood and that brought a smile on his face, slightly.

“Morning, B. I made breakfast!” Aunt May turned away from the TV to look at him her smile on her face faltered once she noticed his red puffy eyes. “Beau what’s wrong?”

Beau looked at the now worried aunt of his, her soft warm voice made and with the memory of yesterday returning made his tears come back. So there he stood sobbing in the living room in front of his guardian. The now startled woman quickly got up from the couch making her way to him. She hovered around him wanting to comfort him but knowing he didn’t like to be touched.

“Beau, tell me what’s wrong…” The last time she saw him cry like this was when he first appeared on her front porch with a suitcase and wet from the rain. It broke her heart to have seen her only nephew like this.

Beau opened his mouth to tell her but all that came out was sobs. He knew he probably was overreacting and he didn’t really know Mylo long enough to be sobbing like this but last night while he was sobbing he had a deep realization that had made him sob even more. He finally realize that he didn’t just have a crush on Mylo for a year he has been in love with Mylo for a year and would take him very long to get over said male. Perhaps he didn’t get rejected but even so who knew if Mylo liked him or will like him. All he knew was from what his mind keep telling him every day.

I don’t deserve to be loved.