Toby was waiting with snacks when I got back.

“I snuck out,” he admitted. “But I know how you get after…”

He held out a candy bar. Even though Nico hadn’t fed on me, I welcomed the sugar after the difficult conversation I’d just had.

I sank directly onto my bed, and Toby brought me a blanket.

“What did you learn?” he asked, as I bit into my chocolate bar.

“Not much,” I admitted. “He didn’t remember a lot of specifics. Just had the same old warnings about self-control.”

Toby sat on the bed next to me.

“You…” I had to think carefully about how to word this question. “How have you been feeling? Impulse-wise?”

He frowned, thoughtful.

“I’ve definitely noticed a difference,” he replied finally. “Almost like I’m a teenager again. Nothing I can’t manage,” he assured me. “But…”

“But?”

“Let’s just say I’m grateful you’re here with me,” he said, looking into my eyes. His eyes had been chocolate brown before the transition, but I was getting to know the tones of his newly red irises.

When he was wrestling with his emotions, the redness started to swirl like the inside of the sun.

“You shouldn’t have to do this alone,” I said, but he shook his head.

“Something about you… just levels everything for me,” he said. “I feel those impulses--to feed, to… any of it. But all I have to do is look at you, and I feel… safe.”

He looked away, as though embarrassed to have revealed so much.

“Me too,” I said, studying my chocolate bar. I felt his eyes shift back towards me.

“Really?”

“I never worried about you hurting me,” I said. “Well, I worried--but… I don’t know. I knew you wouldn’t.”

“I won’t,” he promised. “I swear.”

I blushed.

“All I wanted that night was to protect you,” Toby said. “And you ended up protecting me. You’re still protecting me.” He bowed his head. “Even if I don’t deserve it…”

“Of course you do,” I said. I reached for his hand, almost without thinking. “Toby…”

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Paige,” he said, lifting his eyes to meet mine.

“Not just now,” he clarified, as I started to speak. “Even before--I went back to grad school because I graduated undergrad and… it was like stepping off a cliff. I kept thinking something was going to happen. That I was going to get this great editing job, or finally get something published, or... “

He trailed off, and dropped his gaze again.

“But now I’m a TA. Back in school. Because I don’t know where else to go. And now… With this?” He didn’t have to specify for me to know he was referring to his vampirism. “What if I can never go back?”

“We’re going to figure it out,” I said, but he sighed.

“I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life in hiding,” he said. “Even if I find a way to look human, I’ll never be able to leave the house without hiding some part of myself.”

“I’m not going to let that happen,” I said. Not that I knew how. But I didn’t want to look down that road. “You--you have a purpose. You know what you want to be. That’s--” I let out a long breath. “That’s more than I have. You can’t let go of that.”

“You’re just starting,” Toby said. I rolled my eyes.

“It feels like everyone in my class has already declared their major,” I said. “When we were applying, all my friends wrote their essays about what they wanted to do with their lives. They’d spent their whole high school careers in Model UN or jazz club or underwater basket weaving or whatever…”

“Oh, man. It’s impossible to get into the intro underwater basket weaving courses,” Toby said, cracking a grin. I giggled.

“I keep telling myself I have time, but…” I shrugged. “It’s just getting harder and harder even to talk to anyone. And everyone’s making friends in their classes, and I…”

“What about your EMT friend?” Toby asked.

“She’s going to be an anesthesiologist,” I said. “How does anyone even know? That one thing is the right thing?”

“You just know,” Toby said. “But then… I thought I knew. And now I’m watching all of my friends move on to the next level without me.”

“There should be a club for people who don’t have a club,” I joked, but it didn’t make me feel better.

We sat in silence for a while.

“I haven’t admitted that to anyone,” Toby said. “That I went to grad school because I… couldn’t cut it in the real world.”

“I haven’t told anyone I’m not good at anything,” I said.

“You’re good at plenty of things,” Toby said.

“I’m okay at a lot of things,” I corrected, but he squeezed my hand.

“You’re good at making me feel better,” he said, and kissed my knuckles. “You’re good at doing things that scare you.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re good at keeping your cool under pressure.” He kissed my neck, and I shivered.

Not that good at keeping my cool, Toby.

“Oh!” He pulled back, surprised at my exclamation. “I almost forgot,” I said. “Nico said… there was a way to make your transition easier. Like… a ritual, that would make you feel like--like your mortal self again, he said.”

“Like my mortal self?” Toby echoed.

“Not turn you human. But it’s supposed to… help you. Maybe disguise you? He didn’t give a lot of specifics.” I racked my brain for anything else Nico had said. When he started telling me about it, I’d been so grateful I hadn’t thought to ask a lot of questions.

“It has to be done at midnight,” I said, glancing at the clock. We’d passed midnight long ago. “Tomorrow night?”

“You’re amazing,” Toby said, and kissed me. He pulled back, and reached up to touch my cheek as he looked into my eyes. “Thank you.”

Something about his kiss always made me forget that anything in the world could possibly go wrong.