Chandra would later realize that it was the same place they had celebrated their undergrad graduation.

The anthropology undergrads had come to gather one last time before the official ceremony, meeting at the nightly saté stall to share a meal. There weren’t nearly as many tables back then but the nearby park provided plenty of seating on the grass. It was thankfully a clear night without any sign of rain. 

Their easy laughter accompanied the rising smoke from the grill, searing the skewered meat on thin bamboo sticks. The sellers fanned the blazing coal with their square fans, aided by an electric fan that whirred nearby.

The lamb and chicken saté sticks came in bunches of ten, served on top of sweet soy sauce with chopped chili and shallots, or on top of peanut sauce. Elga preferred to eat just the saté while Biru liked his with rice topped with crunchy fried shallots. Chandra herself was more in favor of eating saté with lontong, savory rice cakes.

And there Chandra sat, contentedly among her peers with her glass of tea. The breeze was wafting through the tables and the food was warm in her stomach. She was finally feeling at ease. 

A job in the city was waiting for her and she had finally secured a place to live. Her graduation gown hung in her room, ready to be worn tomorrow. The future that she had so dreamed about on the horizon would soon become her reality.

She dipped one of the saté sticks in sweet soy sauce when Kyra, who had been sitting a couple of tables away, sat in the seat in front of her. “Hi,” she said.

Chandra smiled. “Hey.”

“You seem a little lost in thought,” Kyra teased.

“Do I? Guess I’ve been watching these two for too long.” Chandra pointed her chin towards Elga and Biru who were sitting nearby, playing some kind of hand-slapping game with the others. Chandra took a bite of her saté.

Kyra winced as someone lost. “Wow. They’re really going at it.”

“Yuup. Especially since Elga’s playing.” Chandra let out an oof when Elga slapped the hand of the person who had lost. “How are you doing, by the way? Ready to head back to your hometown?”

“Ah, yes and no.” Kyra sighed. “I'm excited to finally eat home-cooked meals, but I’m not ready for relatives questioning me about my plans. I still haven’t figured out what to do when I come back here.”

“I think the kids at the dance studio will miss you, don’t you?” Chandra grinned.

“They might.” Kyra thanked the server who handed her a glass of iced tea. “But I think I need to find something more stable. Teaching in that studio still isn’t enough to be full-time.”

“Hmm.” Chandra chewed her saté thoughtfully. “What if you taught DIY craft classes in the meantime? You could teach paper-making or paper-weaving to kids in schools.”

“Hmm! That’s actually not a bad idea. I’ll think about it.” Kyra took a sip of her tea. “And what about you? You feeling ready to go to the big city?”

“I am. I’m really ready.” Chandra smiled. “I have almost everything packed except for a few things. And I really can’t wait to go.” 

Kyra smiled before setting her glass of tea down in the rim of water it had left behind. “Any plans to come back and visit town sometime?”

“Not yet… I kinda wanna see what it’s like to live on my own for a while.” Chandra placed the now-empty saté stick on her plate. “I’ve been looking forward to having some peace to myself, though the city will probably be louder than town.”

“It probably will.” Kyra chuckled, looking at the ice cubes floating in her tea. “Can I ask you something then, before you head off to the city?”

“Of course you can.”

Kyra glanced around at their peers before leaning in with a whisper. “Why do you always avoid me whenever I get close?” 

Chandra pulled back to look at her. “Why do I what?” 

“Avoid me. It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with physical touch or anything like that. I was just wondering if I did something wrong.” Kyra tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “Or whether there’s something I could apologize for.”

Chandra was even more confused. “There’s nothing you need to apologize for, Kir.” 

“Then… could I ask why you move away when I do something like this?” Kyra gently placed her hand over Chandra’s.

Chandra flinched and Kyra immediately let go. They looked at each other in an awkward silence as the moment passed by. 

Though Chandra felt still on the surface, she could feel her heartbeat pounding against her ribcage and her hand tingle in the place where Kyra had touched it. Chandra blinked, suddenly feeling bare as if her heart was exposed right there on the table.

“It’s okay if you’re not comfortable with it,” Kyra said again, putting her hand away. “I just thought… well. Anyway, I’m sorry for overstepping any boundaries. I was just worried if it was because you didn’t like me or—”

“No! That’s not it!” Chandra almost drew the attention of the group next to them and she lowered her voice. “That’s not it. I-I’m not sure why I react that way either. I do like you, Kir.”

“Well, I didn’t mean it like that.” Kyra scratched the back of her head. “I meant like… in a non-platonic way. Something other than friends.”

“Oh.”

They were both silent as laughter erupted from the people sitting next to them. Time seemed to slow down as Chandra’s breath lodged inside of her throat. She could feel her sweat running down the edge of her cheeks.

“I–” Chandra quieted. She looked at the table between them and its green linoleum tablecloth.

“I,” she began again, “I think of you as a really intelligent and talented dancer. You’re a great thesis partner. But I… I don’t really know what ‘other-than-friends’ is. Is it like how people do it on campus? If it’s anything like that, I don’t know if I could ever–”

Kyra gently held up a hand to pause Chandra’s statement. She smiled in a fractured sort of way, where there was as much understanding as there was a gentle sort of pain. “I get it.”

“Kir!”

They both turned to see Kyra’s group of friends calling her over. “You coming?” They were all gathering their things, seemingly ready to leave.

“I’m coming.” Kyra nodded at them. She turned back to Chandra, smiling again with that same fractured smile. “Anyway, I hope you have safe travels to the city. Take care, okay?”

“Kyra–”

Kyra quietly shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. Be careful on your way home, Dra.”

Chandra could only watch as Kyra headed off and said her goodbyes to the other undergrads. Chandra kept staring in that same direction, dumbfounded, even as the group had all left on their motorcycles. Her heart ached inside of her chest.

She thought she had spoken her mind in honesty. At least to the best of her ability. She really wasn’t sure what ‘other-than-friends’ were, and whether she could do the things Elga and Biru did with their ‘more-than-friends’.

But does that mean she couldn't ever do those things? With someone as dear to her as Kyra?

The tightening of Chandra’s chest told her that there was something she was missing. Something that she wasn’t understanding but didn’t have the words to name. Something that would be the missing piece to her own puzzle if she could only figure out what it looked like. 

And perhaps she had spoken to Kyra about it in the wrong way.

“Hey, Dra!” Elga scooched closer to her, laughter still warm in her cheeks. “Come play cards with u–huh? What’s wrong?”

Chandra gently shook her head and attempted to smile, gesturing to the group to start playing without her. She spent the rest of the night trying to convince Elga that she was fine and merely watched the others play, gnawing at her food without really tasting its flavor. 

She later realized that she was in mourning—mourning that she may have hurt the feelings and lost the good graces of her most cherished thesis partner.