Chapter 9

Hiding in the back of Scilla’s mind, I think through that sense of dread I had earlier. I tune Lucinda and Scilla out as they speak about something, instead just focusing on my soul. Maybe if I’m able to get better control over that black smoke, then…could I fight back? I’d have to risk being found by the Grim Reapers, but honestly I’d rather be vanquished than destroyed by another spirit.

Can they even do that?

Could I be killed again? Not just by Grim Reapers, but by some spirit who wants to destroy Scilla and me?

It just isn’t fair. What did I ever do wrong to be tortured throughout my life, and now be on the run after I’ve died too?

Just because I supposedly killed my own parents?

Not supposedly. I know I did. I just…I can’t believe it, but I know that Lucinda wasn’t lying.

I really did that to another person. To two people.

Was it an accident? Or self defence? But no - surely then I wouldn’t be an evil spirit. I mean, if I had accidentally killed my parents then I wouldn’t be a phantom of all things.

So…did I want to kill them?

Maybe a little, but I’m certain that the feeling was never strong enough to act on it in any kind of way. Unless…unless I did want to kill them, but I didn’t mean to. Would that count as such an evil deed? 

I didn’t mean to hurt them. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I’m sure of that. But they’d just killed Milly right in front of me, I still had her blood covering me, her body in my arms…

“Jess?” Scilla asks gently, wrapping her arms around herself in a hug. Letting out a long sigh, I shake my head. “I’m just getting stuck in my thoughts. Maybe I’ll listen in on you and Lucinda talking instead, if you don’t mind?” I suggest, needing something to take my mind of all this.

Scilla nods instantly, and goes back to cuddling into Lucinda’s side. 

Wait…did I miss something here?

But the feel of being held by someone else is so nice. I love the hugs Scilla gives me, but it’s basically just hugging myself. Whereas being in Lucinda’s arms is so…relaxing. She’s quite strong, with an athletic build. Now that her overshirt is off, I can clearly see the numerous scars covering her arms, which look distinctly like self defence wounds.

A little gift from my parents, it seems.

I had the exact same scars, I’m sure. But it’s not like I have any of them anymore. A good thing, I think. It means that I can try to just…forget about it all, in some way. About it, and about them.

That part of my life - of my death too…it’s over.

Now I can just focus on myself, Scilla, Lucinda and Myrtle.

—————

For the first time, my soul managed to doze off while Scilla was still awake. When I begin to stir in Scilla’s mind, a few softly spoken words trickle into my awareness.

“-so no matter what, no matter what they throw at us. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right by your side Scilla. And right by Jess’s too. I’m here for you both and I won’t ever leave you; either of you,” Lucinda whispers gently but firmly, her fingers ghosting across Scilla’s cheek. The two women are still on the sofa, with Scilla’s head resting in Lucinda’s lap whilst the latter strokes through Scilla’s hair.

It feels nice. Affectionate and grounding.

“Thank you so much,” Scilla whispers back, her voice sounding rich with emotion. “You understand me in a way that I thought only Jess would ever be able to - I’m so used to people hearing what I experienced and finding some way to blame me for it, but you- you just understand,” Scilla continues, reaching up to touch Lucinda’s cheek softly, smoothing her thumb across the woman’s cheekbone.

“My dear, you have never done a single thing wrong in your life, and even if you had - you still wouldn’t be to blame. I don’t have to have known you long to understand that much,” Lucinda replies, leaning down a little towards Scilla.

Retreating further into the back of Scilla’s mind, I try my best to give the two women a little privacy as their lips meet.

And then I retreat even further into our souls when Scilla and Lucinda leave the sofa in favour of the bedroom instead, and I try my best to not spy on them.

But I’m happy for Scilla. I know that she won’t be able to trust Lucinda straight away with a relationship, but whatever happened between them today…they clearly see something in each other’s eyes.

They understand each other, and the kind of pain that they went through.

So maybe…whilst Scilla has been helping to heal me, Lucinda can do the same for Scilla.

And both Scilla and I can do that back for Lucinda. Not from a ‘learning to love again after an abusive relationship or the murder of a previous girlfriend’ perspective that they have with each other, but I do already love them both. Not the way they feel for each other, but I understand them both on a different level, even from each other.

Because I was there, I felt what they felt. For both of them.

So maybe we can heal each other.

—————

Snapping my eyes- Scilla’s eyes- open, I take control of her body and shake Lucinda awake, trying not to stare at her in the dark too much. I’ve seen Scilla naked plenty of times - we do share a body after all - but I don’t particularly want to stare at Lucinda’s bare chest. Grabbing Scilla’s shirt from the floor, I slip it on, shoving Lucinda’s in her direction.

“It’s Jess, not Scilla,” I quickly explain when Lucinda presses a kiss to my shoulder. “Hmm, everything ok?” She asks, still embracing me but stopping her kisses.

It’s so…nice.

And unfamiliar.

“No, nothing is ok. That feeling- the one from earlier- it’s back. We’re not safe here, I can just- I can just feel it,” I say quickly, trying to shake Scilla’s soul awake mentally as well. After all, if we have to run somewhere, or even just walk more than a few steps, then I’ll be useless.

And then I feel it.

All-consuming, monumental dread. Overpowering my soul and casting a black smoky haze onto everything.

Scrabbling out of the bed, I let Lucinda grab my hand and pull me out of the room. She doesn’t know what’s happening - not that I do either - but she just knows we have to go.

But there’s no time. Black smoke, much blacker than mine, seeps through the crack beneath the front door, filling up the room and choking me. Lucinda seems unaffected, but I have to stop walking as I fall to the floor, gasping for air and clutching at my throat. I try to scream, but white smoke leaves my throat instead.

And the moment I see it, I understand what that white smoke is.

It’s a soul. 

It’s Scilla’s soul.

I won’t let anyone take away the person I love the most, not now and not ever. Squeezing my eyes shut, I let out all of my own smoke in one powerful burst, but this time, it’s grey. Not quite as bright as Scilla’s soul, but still a lighter smoke than my usual kind.

And for the first time, I feel it, and I understand it. This is why fused souls are more powerful. The white smoke of the Grim Reapers is powerful, and the black smoke of the evil spirits is powerful. But this grey smoke - it has both of those powers.

Together, Scilla and I are twice as powerful.

For the first time in my existence, I have the power to protect what is most important to me.