Five Months Ago

Jackie had just broken up with Jose, and I had just gotten promoted. Jackie was ready to drink her problems away, and I was ready to celebrate. Jackie insisted that we go to the club, but I declined because I wanted more of a chill celebration with wine and tacos. Then she brought out the tequila. After pregaming for an hour, we finally made it to the club. It was so crowded you would have thought it was a holiday.

The dance floor was filled with bodies rubbing against each other and moshing throughout the floor. Strobe lights danced all over the club, touching everyone one at a time. There were some VIP tables receiving bottle service. Girls dressed in skimpy clothing were popping bottles, letting it rain on the people sitting down. That was cool and all, but my eyes were on the main entertainment. A girl at the bar in jeans and a t-shirt looked at another girl in a very tiny dress. The tiny-dress girl was with her friends, flipping their hair, taking sips of their vodka cranberries, and dancing near the bar. Suddenly t-shirt girl mouths, “Fuck it,” chugs her beer, and walks over to the group of girls. I wish I could have heard what she said because only a moment later, the t-shirt girl was wearing all the other girls’ drinks. I love people-watching. It’s so rewarding—you never know what you’re going to see.

Taking more shots of tequila, I started to move around the club. I flirted with a ton of girls, danced on a bunch of tables, and I even felt like I could drink anyone under the table. Then I had my fourth shot, and the rest was a blur.

The following day, I woke up lying on a couch. Sitting up, I realized I was in Jackie’s apartment. I started to smell a foul odor. Looking down, my shirt and pants were covered in dried puke. I attempted to stand, but my shaky legs brought me back to the couch. That was when I noticed there was a sleeping man across from me. Who was this strange man?

“You hungry, Autumn?” Jackie yelled from the kitchen.

Climbing out of the couch, I stumbled into the kitchen. “What happened last night? Why can I barely walk, and more importantly, who’s the dude in your living room?”

“Oh, that’s just Glenn. He helped me carry you home after you ran a mile from the club. Hey, Glenn, I’m brewing a fresh pot of coffee for you.” This news jolted him awake, almost as if the word “coffee” was his start button.

“Wow, color me impressed. Is this now Jackie’s bed and breakfast?” I said. “Did you turn a new leaf or something?”

“No, he worked for it last night,” Jackie said, winking at me.

“Can you like not be so vulgar so early in the morning?” I said, walking to the fridge to grab some orange juice.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re lucky I don’t charge because we had to pay extra for the taxi you puked in. Plus, it was hard work getting you on that couch,” Jackie said, grabbing a plate from me and placing eggs and pancakes on it, then giving it back to me.

“Oh, good. It was just in the cab. I thought I threw up on a beautiful girl that smelled like sunshine and meadows,” I said, grabbing a plate and walking to the table.

Jackie started to snicker as she took the pan off the stove and started to make another plate. Glenn joined me at the table and put a hand on my shoulder. “Oh, honey boo boo, it’s a good thing you’re sitting down because we have catastrophic news for you,” he said, sitting back and drinking his coffee. Originally, I thought Jackie smelled vaguely of cherry blossoms on a mid-spring day. Then I realized the smell was coming from Glenn.

After Glenn told me where he got his perfume, he explained everything to me. I might have blacked out after the fourth shot, but my partying didn’t stop there. Turns out I went a little crazy on the dance floor. During my drunken frenzy, Jackie had been talking to Glenn.

“I lost track of where you were, but then I saw you dancing with some random people, so I thought you were fine and just having fun,” Jackie said, joining us at the table.

“Well, did you see if I got her number?” I said, looking through my contacts.

“I doubt it, sweetie. Out of nowhere, we heard a scream and someone vomiting,” Glenn said, eating some pancakes. “Although it was quite funny, when we looked over, we just heard you shouting, ‘With me, Watson!’ Then you ran out the club like a coyote chasing a rabbit on the prairie. We didn’t even have time to make sure she was okay because of how fast you were running.”

I could feel my face starting to turn red like a traffic light. Putting my face in my palms, I sat there for a moment. “Well, at least that girl doesn’t know my name, so it will never get back to me,” I said, raising my head.

“Glenn forgot to mention, you ran out of the club screaming, ‘My name is Autumn Kühn, and I am so sorry, pretty sunshine lady!’ So yeah, she knows your name.” Taking a sip from her glass, Jackie continued, “I didn’t realize you were calling me Watson until we found you sitting on the sidewalk. You were waving your phone at people, showing them a picture of me complaining your legs hurt from running and you needed help finding your dear Watson.”

“But darling, it’s so much worse,” Glenn chimed in, “you ruined that cute shirt. Do you know what it’s going to take to get those stains out? Even then, it won’t be restored to its prime.” He frowned, resting his chin in his palms.