Genesis

Part Five

I was sitting on one of the benches that lined up against a part of Tanner's small ship, staring into the inky blackness when a memory flooded my mind, making me shudder and feel suddenly, violently sick. I didn't want to remember anything, but as the cold brutal memory clawed at my brain I couldn't do anything to block it out but let my mind tell and retell the events of that day that seemed like a bad dream, yet had bottomed out my resolve. My mind had turned to putty. I really hated remembering. 

They had not been vindictive or accusing for once. I was surprised by that. Even more surprising, they'd been sympathetic and restrained. Finally, I thought, they were finally realising I'm not bad, that I need to be understood rather that tortured and tortured again and again. But it was just a mask they wore. A mask that convincingly tugged at my naivety persistently. I was weak in times when I shouldn't have been and strong in times when I should have been weak. It was all too much, all too consuming. I hated me, I hated them for making me hate me for something I'm not… and that's Evil. I'm not Evil. 

   "We thought you'd like it better if we put you in a situation where you can choose one's fate," She said, Dr. Lassus. She always acted a little differently from the rest of them, like she knew a little more than they did and understood I didn't need to be tasered or whipped and hurt the way they all seemed to take pleasure in. "Just do this, for your sake and mine. Close those eyes and think of a blade, the sharpest point," She said, soft enough it had me closing my eyes, picturing the silver glint of a blade in my mind until it became a solid object in my mind's eye. "Now think of that blade against the warm supple skin on your neck, pushing harder and harder until it tears the skin, but only slightly," I didn't want to think of that. Although it was just a picture in my mind, I knew it would hurt if it was real. How much I'd be sobbing and begging them to please stop it. I grimaced, I felt my face screw up, but I didn't dare open my eyes, only because I knew the pain was on the other side. "... It's pushing harder against your skin, the sting is there, followed by fear and rejection. Don't hold back my pet, see it, see it clearly. Feel it. It's real. That's what they'll do to you. They want to hurt you. Bind you. Break you. See those monsters, my pet, stop them all. Do it so we can all be free." 

   I suddenly saw them. Hiddus, that's what they're called. A race of creatures that will stop at nothing to get what they want. Children. Women. Men, It didn't matter to them. They could have them. Beat them. Starve them. Rape them. All of them until there's nothing left and they'd move on to their next victims. I hated it, all of it. They'd show me awful pictures of those creatures and things they've done. I'd cry so much. My heart would break into millions of tiny pieces. I'd reach out my hand, wishing I could save those poor innocent souls and lead them to a better place. Then my chest would get real tight, a burning after thought that would move and twist itself around my internal organs as if my organs themselves were moving inside my body. My teeth would clench shut with so much force I thought my Jaws would smash. Then the burning continued. Up through my body, scolding my insides, up further until my arms stretched out, then cold replaced the burning until it reached my fingertips. "I'll save you," I whispered. "I swear… I'll save you all…" I'd hear the innocent cries, hear them begging for their lives. Then I saw them, as clear as crystal. Those monster's smirking. A pointed sharp finger nail to a small one's innocent throat. He's silently begging me with hot tears to please save them. "I'll save you…" I whispered. My anger grew and grew. ".... I'll save you! I'll save you now…!!!" The monster's face morphed into one of disgust and ripped out that innocent child's throat like it was nothing and threw him away like a piece of trash. My rage grew. I threw out my arm, my fingers outstretched towards the filthy creature and then bright searing light erupted from the end of my fingers and engulfed the creature. I held him up and moved towards it. My senses overload with the smell of rotting putrid flesh. I wanted to vomit at not only the wicked stench but the form he was now taking. Flesh bubbled and boiled around bone, dripping into a bright nothingness. Eyeballs popped from their sockets with a disgusting squelch, followed by a piercing squeal that had my ears ringing, but I held on until it was nothing more than a puddle of bodily fluids. I'd smile, pull my hand back and cackle out a loud laugh. I didn't get to save the small innocent child, but I got to kill the creature who took that child's innocence, I got to kill in a brutal and most satisfying way. "Gone, your gone…" I d say. 

   "You did good," It was Dr. Lassus. Her voice filtered through me. "Open your eyes my pet, you did so good." 

   I'd relax and take a deep breath. I'd slump down back in my comfy chair. The room would slowly come back into view. But I wasn't in my chair. She wasn't in the room anymore. I cast around me, blood, blood everywhere. Not… not my blood. Not any blood belonging to such a creature, but human's blood. In the corner. A pile of fleshed out corpses slowly melting into a puddle of nothing. "I… I killed… people… I hurt…" I screamed into my hands. They did it again, tricked my mind into believing something that wasn't there. I killed innocent people, again. I did it again. 

   "You did wonderfully, my pet!" I could hear her clapping over the speakers. I could hear the whispers of others. "Wonderful. So wonderful. You shall be rewarded for your efforts, my beautiful pet."

  "I… I…. Please… I didn't want this," I sobbed. "Please! I didn't want this! Any of it! Why! Why!" 

  "Because it's who you are!" 

 I hitched on a sob, I hated it when they said that to me. Who I am? I thought. This is really me? I didn't want to believe it, any of it. "No," I quietly said. "Not this… please…" 

 "Sela? Sela?" 

   "What?" I opened my eyes. I panicked briefly and grabbed Tanner by the arms. He looked mortified. Did I hurt him? "Are you okay?" I asked. 

   "Sela I'm fine," He answered, and then gently grabbed my wrists. "But you're not. What's wrong?" 

  I shied away from him. I felt myself shrink before this man. I slumped back down onto the bench and put my face in my hands. Hands that have killed hundreds of innocent people. "I can't do this Tanner," I started to sob. All I ever do is sob. Usually quietly on my own, but I wasn't on my own now, I had Tanner. "I don't want to kill innocent people, please don't ever ask of it me." 

  "Sela," he spoke quietly. I felt him near me, I felt his warm hands either sides of my head. "Look at me Sela." 

   "I can't…" 

   "Yes you can. Please look at me." 

  I finally pulled my hands away from my face, let them drop between my legs and lifted my face to his worried expression. Don't look at me like that. I thought. Please don't pity me. Then I said, "Don't pity me." 

   "Never. There's no pity here Sela, but I am worried about you."

  "That's close to pity." 

  "It's not pity Sela, it's not even close at all. I can see clearly that you're not a cruel person. You're beautiful and not just on the outside," gently he cupped my face, moving closer until his warmth breath touched my cold cheek. "You are so lovely. I'm here for you." 

   Why? Why would he say something like that? I'm none of those things. All I've ever known is cruelty and not just upon myself, but from my own hands. "Please don't say things that will give me hope where there is none." 

   "There is always hope, Sela. In many forms," He pulled me into his arms. Tanner's warmth. Tanner's sweet metallic scent filled my nostrils and my wish for hope. "I promise I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. We'll do this together." 

  "Together." I repeated. I had never felt a feeling like this before. The intensity was blinding and I was almost sure that it had to be coming from Tanner. No… no, this feeling was coming from me. A feeling I wanted to really hold onto. A feeling I've never had before, but somehow missed, regardless. I was having a hard time bringing myself back to reality now. 

  "Together." He said again. Our minds as people are made up of the sum of our experiences. Our lives are a compilation of moments that we remember, and moments that we try to forget. I'm always trying to forget the things I've seen, the things I've felt, the things I've done to others, innocent others. But with Tanner, something deep inside me, something so foreign and bizarre stirred through me. I want to always remember this. Remember him and what he's done for me in these long hours drifting through space. It was everything to me… he's… he's… no, I can't think that. One day he'll be gone and I'll be left alone. If I think anymore about Tanner and what he means to me I'll just be setting myself up for disappointment, because he will be gone. Gone from my life, but never… never my memories, no matter what.