As it turned out, finding Penny a mortal enemy was difficult. Tim couldn’t say he was shocked.

His lack of shock, however, didn’t save him from having to try to find someone Penny could challenge and have a chance in defeating. It also didn’t keep Penny from changing her mind about miraculously achieving in one month what she hadn’t been able to do in years. No one had the heart to tell her it was impossible though. 

Penny was, after all, a good person despite her dreams of world domination, and they all loved her as much as a bunch of goons could love their deranged boss. It turned out that was a lot. 

And so, everyone in the lair went along with the plan despite having no clue on how they’d manage to succeed. Still, an attempt was being made and that was all that mattered.

“How about that one guy from upstate? The one that looks like a cheap ninja. Penny could probably take him.”

“No way, plus we’d have to move.” 

“There’s that lady with the magic medallion or whatever.”

“She’d crush us.”

They’d all been sitting around, throwing out suggestions on who would be a good match for Penny. So far, they had accomplished nothing. 

“Let’s face it, we’re doomed. There’s not a single hero we can use,” Alex said from where he was laying on the floor. He claimed it helped him think. 

“There has to be someone,” said Lina, doodling on the piece of paper that was meant to be used to list all the candidates they came up with. From his seat next to her on the couch, Tim could see Lina’s rather violent stick figures were the only things on the page.

“There really isn’t,” Benny said from where he was sitting on a hideous pea green armchair—and honestly, just because they were evil didn’t mean they had to have bad taste. His leg was still in the process of healing and he was being of no help at all but no one felt like kicking him out. “Literally, the only way we’ll find someone with a good enough reputation to make a good nemesis while still being weak enough that we could take them is if we custom made one for Penny.”

Silence reigned for a moment and Tim could almost see the gears whirring inside the heads of the others. Benny, blissfully unaware of what he’d just unleashed, continued to flip through the worn paperback he’d been reading during their impromptu meeting. The kind with a salacious cover of a ridiculously good looking man, hair flowing magnificently in the wind, and chiseled chest exposed thanks to a poorly buttoned shirt. Tim would have mocked Benny in any other occasion. This time, he just saved it for later.

“Maybe we should,” Lina said, a grin slowly spreading across her face. 

If Tim were smart, he would have made a run for it. Tim was an idiot.

“Why does this have to be spandex?” Tim said with blatant disgust as he pulled at the poorly made clothes he’d been forced to wear. Honestly, he looked like a cheap cosplayer with shitty sewing skills and the only thing Tim was grateful was the fact he’d have one of Penny’s old black cloaks. Anything to help him cover up was a plus. "And what the hell's up with these weird accents? They look stupid." The whole thing looked stupid, to be honest.

“It’s what superheroes wear,” Alex, who’d been in charge of finding said clothing, chimed in. He seemed determined to defend the shitty costume he'd scrounged up from the discarded things piled in the basement. That probably explained why the thing was so out of style.

“It is not. The only ones who wear that are the crappy ones who’ve read one too many comics, and they usually end up quitting after a week.”

“Well it’s not like you’re gonna last long. Now stop complaining. Fashion should be the least of your problems.” 

Tim had to admit that Lina was right. He had much larger issues at the moment, the greatest of which was figuring out how the hell he’d pass himself off as a hero. 

“Alright Tim, you’re all set!” Lina said, taking a step back to admire their handiwork. It wasn’t all that great, to be honest. 

“Uh huh. Set for what, exactly?” Tim had to ask because he still had no idea what the actual plan was.

In theory, passing himself off as a hero and confronting Penny and her lackeys sounded simple enough. Of course, in theory time travel was possible and if someone could figure that out then Tim would gladly go back and make different life choices. 

“Penny’s planning to hit up a warehouse on the other side of town this weekend. Apparently they might have something good we can sell or something. What you have to do is show up, put on a show, and then let Penny kick your ass. Simple right?” 

There were many parts of the plan Tim had an issue with, but mainly he didn’t want to get his ass kicked by anyone. Instead of that, however, he decided to go with another approach in his attempt to get out of the whole ridiculous plan.

“That still wouldn’t help much since, you know, Penny would just be beating some unknown idiot. I don’t think the Villain Association would count that as a big win.” Definitely not enough to invite them to their jamboree. 

“Which is why you’ll be doing some good deeds until it’s time for the big showdown between you and Penny! Think about it Tim, a brand new hero shows up, winning over the hearts of the people only to be tragically defeated by the villainous Penny Dreadful.” The way Lina said it, Tim wondered if maybe she hadn’t put a little too much thought into the whole thing. 

“You do realize I’m a villain right? As in, a total dick with no idea on what constitutes a good deed." If moral compasses were a thing, Tim's would be completely shattered. "How exactly am I supposed to win everyone over in a week?”

“I don’t know, just think of something. Help an old lady cross the road or something.”

“I’m trying to be a hero, not a girl scout,” Tim said, because honestly, he didn’t think that would do much to build up his reputation.

“You’ll think of something, I believe in you.” She totally didn’t. Tim could tell. 

Not that knowing that helped Tim in any way. He still found himself standing on his own in the middle of the city, looking like an idiot, and wondering why he hadn’t tried to cling onto the van currently speeding away from him instead of just letting his supposed friends dump him there to fight crime. 

With a sigh, Tim turned and headed into the nearest alley because he figured he might as well try to look for some lowlifes to beat up. Besides, tasing people was always fun and he was armed with three different tasers and a collapsible baton. It was enough to put a smile on Tim’s face. 

Maybe it was Tim’s lucky night because it didn’t take him all that long to run into a group of idiots loitering by the entrance to a narrow side street. Their laughter echoed off the buildings around them, loud and obnoxious as they hassled people passing by. An older couple tried to hurry past them, but one of the guys stepped in front of them while the others jeered. Tim figured at least he’d get some enjoyment out of it.

“Hey, assholes, why don’t you leave those people alone and head back to the sewer you climbed out of.” Tim was aware that he was supposed to act like a hero, but no one told him he had to also sound heroic. He’d be dead before he said something stupid like Halt, you fiends, or some shit like that. 

“Who the fuck are you supposed to be?” one of the goons asked, his brightly dyed hair and leather, studded jacket almost made Tim want to laugh because how cliched could someone get? Still, at least he’d distracted the idiots enough to let the pair of innocent citizens he was defending get away. 

Hopefully to spread news of his heroic deeds because Tim really had to speed things up.

“You know, no one’s given me a heroic name yet,” Tim said, honestly wondering what people would come up with. He just hoped it was good. “What do they call you, Edgelord?” 

Apparently that offended the newly christened Edgelord because he lunged at Tim. That was fine because Tim had been expecting that and just dodged and tased the crap out of the guy. He tried not to look like he enjoyed it too much. Still, it was the simple things in life that Tim could really appreciate.

Maybe this won’t be so bad, he thought with a vaguely evil glint in his dark eyes. 

When Alejandro picked him up later that night, Tim had a chilli dog in one hand and a brand new leather jacket. Not really his style, but the night was cold and spandex wasn’t very good at keeping one warm—not to mention Penny’s old cloak being too worn to be of much help. Besides, it’s previous owner was an asshole.

“So how’d your pursuit of justice go?” Alejandro asked as Tim climbed into the van and pulled back the hood of his new jacket, freeing his now messy brown hair. 

“Pretty good. I saved some old people and a nice lady bought me a chilli dog.” He took a bite of said chili dog while Alejandro just snorted and shook his head. “How are things back at the lair? Did Penny wonder where I’d gone?” 

“Not really, but she’s been obsessing over finding a mortal enemy to defeat. Then Lina and Eddie managed to convince her to turn in for the night. Probably for the best since she kept pacing in her office and muttering to herself.”

“Huh, so same old, same old.”

“Yep.”

They drove in silence for a while, Tim finishing up his food and Alejandro focusing on the road. 

“Do you think we have a chance at actually pulling off this plan?” Alejandro asked after a while.

“Not a chance in hell,” Tim answered without hesitation. “But hey, at least our financial situation is improving.” Tim pulled out a wad of cash and a couple of watches from the pockets of his jacket—all courtesy of that night’s crop of scumbags.

Alejandro laughed and Tim couldn’t help but grin. If he’d known being a hero could be that much fun he would have tried it ages ago.