Joel blinks, absorbing what Andrei has just revealed to him. This is one of the first times anyone has spoken to him like this, and well, the only time someone had spoken to him about such an intimate topic. 

Never before had Joel ever talked to anyone about his romantic feelings, which, for the longest time, he had suppressed and tried to convince himself were worthless.

Joel: That’s true…there are many rules and laws here. I don’t really mind, though. We need order to have a thriving society. Can’t have people screaming, yelling, and beating each other all the time. Everyone’s going to be even more bitter than they are already.

*He looks pensively at Andrei and then he looks back at his punching gloves* 

Well, truth be told, Andrei, there’s one thing I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. It’s not anger or indignation, although I try to convince myself that it is just to distract myself. 

*He punches the punching bag a couple of times*

I-I…*he focuses his gaze on Andrei and clears his throat* Well, I’ve been feeling amorous. And as I’ve suggested before, well…*he turns red, not knowing if he should say this, but he pushes himself to say it anyways* I want to, um, I want to make love to Malka. *blurts out the last part very quickly, the syllables slurring together* 

I do…and I think it’s kind of scary how I’ve become so focused on these feelings. I know they’re just some hormonal nonsense, though, so I think I should brush them aside. Yet, I think I shouldn’t. As we just discussed, maybe this is something I should look into…I do want to tell Malka I love her, but I don’t know why I’m so insecure about the fact that I do have physical feelings for her. 

I’ve convinced myself that loving someone spiritually is fine and dandy and admirable, but anything physical is just pointless and strange, at least for me. I’m fine with others having it, but when it comes to myself…I don’t know why, but I want to deny myself. Something inside me is telling me that this isn’t worth it and that I should just keep away from indulging myself in something like that.

*Joel sighs. He looks exhausted. He’s never verbalized these feelings before and he’s not even sure what he’s just said. He looks expectantly at Andrei*

(Andrei pauses for several moments. His dark eyes widened in astonishment. He blinks many times, quickly, like the dots and dashes of a telegraph message. Andrei ruminates through his thoughts, his response to Joel’s open and frank confession. While the colonel considers himself an expert on all things romantic, and the right way to woo a woman, Andrei, in the brief time he’s spent with Joel, feels an affinity for the young man. As such, he desires to take the greatest care of handling this situation. He reflects heavily on his answer, wanting it to be the right one for Joel. A love like this, Andrei reasons, cannot be taken lightly.)

Andrei: Ah… Yolenka… what do I tell you? You’ve said everything that needs to be said. You are a real flesh and blood human, in love! Ah, that sounds silly, “in love”, no? A man’s not in love- he LOVES! That’s as simple as it is! 

So you fear it’s just… how do you say it? Just…as the French say, pulsions charnelles, eh? (Hormonal urges.) 

So what do you think is this doubt that keeps you from confessing this to your woman? What’s the point of doubting? Is it a way to protect yourself? Like a soldier abandoning his first instinct and go the other way around the enemy, eh?  I think the little devushka loves you- her eyes sparkle like two little gems when she sees you, I saw that clear as crystal! 

Sex! Come out and say it, man! Sex. That’s what it is. The very best of happiness two people can share. Ah, see if your science and schools can explain what that is! There’s nothing more… how do I describe it! It makes a soul complete. An empty soul feels full when a soul can make love to another soul! Sure, it has consequences. But we’re smart in this day and age. We can make love and avoid the troubles that follow after. I say… make love to your beloved woman! And don’t wait either- either of you could die and zip off to heaven before you can do it! 

And you should marry your lovely little dove, too. It’s only fitting that two people in such love, shouldn’t they marry? Ah, consider yourself lucky! Your woman wants you! I want a woman who doesn’t want me! 

Go for it, Yolenka! 

Joel: *turns red from Andrei’s frankness and bows his head* I-I-I-I keep on vacillating between self-denial and just embracing chaos, I guess. *laughs* I was thinking about just telling her how much I loved her, but I would always tell myself, “Only as a friend! Only as a friend!”

I guess part of the fear comes from fear of hurting her. You know, I don’t want to come off as some lecherous, selfish prick who just wants to use her. I also don’t know what I’m capable of, since you saw how I lashed out at Ben just a while ago. This is the kind of emotional response I’m capable of, so I don’t want to do something I regret…

*bows his head even further*

I sound really disturbed, I really do. I-I-I guess, to get to the point, I’m scared of scaring Malka away. I’m also scared that she won’t like me that way, and that I have nothing to give her. What do I have to offer her, Andrei? 

*he shoots Andrei a searing look* 

I don’t know. If I can’t answer that question, I feel like I have no right to tell her I love her in a carnal way. It’s all pointless, anyways. Better to just remain a friend so I can support her from the sidelines. She’s got enough to handle as is.

Andrei: *grows thoughtful. Like Joel, he too knows the extent (or rather, doesn’t know the full extent of his own power with his fury and strength. At times, Andrei too worries if he himself is a real beast and not fit for loving another person in a gentle way. He too feels like a dark, angry beast among softer, sweeter, lighter people. Understanding Joel’s doubt, Andrei chomps on his lower lip in deep thought. There’s no simple answer for this. He takes a deep breath, snorting a terse exhalation, frustrated with his own lack of advice and discretion.)

Andrei: Ah, Yolenka. There’s no easy answer for this. We’re quite alike, you and I. I mean, we’re both formed, if you can imagine, from the same dark, angry storm. I saw how strong your anger can be- I thought you were going to toss Benya out the window, you fiery devil!

Devils… devils… devils, eh! I guess we’re both devils, real demons perched on our mountain-tops, gazing at far at our fair womenfolk we want but know we should not have.

It’s not wrong to feel about your little Malushenka like that, Yolenka! No, it’s only natural. As for love-making, maybe there’s a time for it. Ah, maybe fate has its funny little way of warning us, warning us the time’s not right. Funny, fate can be a real bitch, too- it might kill us any moment now before we have any say in the matter. 

Maybe you need to make sure you are the best man you can be for her. Maybe before you can love her like this, you have to prove to yourself you are the best man for her. 

Ah! That’s my problem, maybe? Maybe fate is telling me I need to better before my Tatushenka will even look at me, proud little goddess! 

Perhaps you and I have some work to do on ourselves before we can propose to our women, eh? 

If they’re God’s gift on earth, I think we should be something of a proper gift, ourselves, right?

Joel: *ponders on Andrei’s words and nods slowly at the end* T-t-t-that’s true. I didn’t think about it that way, but you’re right. I think we’re all works in progress and we have to continually improve ourselves. 

Maybe that’s the whole point. I can’t do anything, at least not on a clean conscience, until I’ve convinced myself that I am worthy of this. 

*clears his throat and assumes a more serious countenance*

I’m going to think about this a bit more. For the time being…are you going to train? *he gives the punching bag a light punch*

Andrei: *grins, heartened by Joel’s determination and hope, but also his prudent caution.* Ah, I like the way you think, Yolenka! The human being is always improving, as they say! And if we’re going to reach the level of our beloved women, we have some work to do! 

Nu tagda davai! (Rus. Well, then, let’s do it!)