I think this is the place. I looked up from my phone to the huge sign on the building 

'Big Savings Big Discounts. Mins grocery store'. Weird name but I'm digging the vibe I guess. 

Mindlessly walking the isles. I stopped to grab milk, eggs, bread. What should I eat for dinner? Some kimbap? I stared at the seaweed on the counter. No, I'm not in the mood for that. I glanced around the isle thinking of what I could make. My eyes seat on some discounted fish cakes. Tteokbokki! My mouth watered. I could already taste it... cheesy goodness. With that in mind I rushed to the cold produce area. I picked up the tofu, and other proteins. I wanted to be set for more than a week. Zooming along I ran into a set of pudding cups. Its okay if I buy them right? I can indulge myself every now an then. Convincing myself it was a good idea I reached for them when another grubby hand swiped in and grabbed the 4 pack of chocolate pudding.

"Oh!"

"Hey, its you again! We have two classes together and now this? I'd say its fate." he smiled. 

Will? I practically cringed at this encounter.

I immediately turned around and head for the cash register.

I really wanted to forget he was in my last class. What a scene that idiot caused.

I was early in class taking my desired seat at the back. Classroom empty with the exception of the teacher, whom I had given a small greeting. I was waiting for the lesson when suddenly the doors burst open and a group of boys and girls come in with their ruckus. Almost immediately I made eye contact with the same brunette from before. He looked back at me beaming.

"Hey! You!!" he seemed to sparkle across the desks. He worked his way around the room to me in less than a second. "I never  introduced myself I'm Will Lead, what's your name? And where did you learn to play tennis so well?" he leaned over the table eagerly. I ignored his presence and turned away from him. "I'm talking to you" he touched my shoulder. Instantly I whipped around. "Don't touch me I have no interest in socializing with you" I glared.

"You're the guy that beat Will huh? That was so amazing. I'm Grace Montgomery." A girl with light brown hair and hazel eyes voiced popping up behind Will. "Thanks. I'm Mosen." I disinclined slightly.

"What? You tell her but not me?!" Will seemed to pout. "Well she didn't attack me" I let out a slight hiss in my voice. 

"I apologized!!" 

"Oh my that looks bad. Its still pretty swollen" grace said a hand over her mouth.

I lightly touched the square patch feeling the swelling and heat radiating through. Before any more words could be spoken the bell had rung. Signaling the start of class.

"Mosen wait!" a voice spoke snapping me out of my thoughts. It was Will. He had caught up to me. "Let's start over and be friends" he smiled. Not this again. Not a chance. "No" was all I could say without snapping. I kept rolling the cart in the same direction. "Don't follow me" I said never turning back.

Once the cashier rung me up I walked with my bags hand in hand. Rounding the corner the paper bag handle tore. You must be joking.

"Let me help you" an all too familiar voice inquired behind me. I began to scowl at him. "I wasn't following you or anything. I walk this way too. I swear" arms raised in defense. I knew this wasn't the time for being petty. I did need some help...I groaned internally.

"I wouldn't mind if you carried some things for me" I mumbled. With that he grinned and we continued the walk. 

 "Have you always played tennis?"

"I have for a while."

"Where are you from"

"Not here that's for sure"

"Why did you move here?"

"Why not"

"You're an open book huh"

"Mhm" I mocked.

He chuckled lightly. "You're pretty funny"

"This is far enough" I said as we walked inside the building. I don't want him to know which apartment was mine. "I can carry the things up. Thanks for the help" I dismissed him. "hold on" He pulled a basic cloth bag and dumped my groceries in. "I like using these instead of paper or plastic. They last longer too" he smiled softly "Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow" he said waving me off and walking out.

"t-thanks" I said mostly to myself at that point. 

____

I sat the bowl of spicy rice cakes on the table. Maybe I made the portion too large. Either way left overs weren't bad. It just meant I wouldn't have to cook for the next two days. I sat at the table, munching away. I looked across from me. 

The room just felt quiet, empty.

Only I am here in this uncomfortable silence. Now that I think about it this is the first time I've actually been completely alone. I wonder how mom is doing. 

Does she miss me?

Of course not Mo. Don't be an idiot. I wouldn't have left if that were the case.

How'd I end up here? How was I born, just to be alone. 

Why'd this have to happen to me? What about me is so defective and unlovable? Just a waste of space.

I chuckled lightly, at nothing really. My life is just a funny joke. I think I'm trying to make myself feel better in some morbid way.

I vaguely visualized sitting down with my family. But I couldn't exactly remember a moment like that either. None of us were ever that close. Family, maybe my only family was Sammie. But even now, he's not here. 

To have a meal with someone...I really wanted that. My heart began to feel heavy. 

I'm so lonely

I tried to fight my lips into a smile, but I felt my mouth tremble downward. I shouldn't let this get to me. But theres nothing really to be happy about. I put my hands over my face. I don't only want this. But I don't know how I could keep going on. It's all so meaningless. Father hates me. Mother hates me. And Sammie...hates me too.

I never belonged there. I was kicked out for being useless. Worthless. I was something to be cast aside. I stood up from the table and began to pace. I felt an itch. On my skin, on my being. Everything was starting to feel cloudy and I know, what would happen next.

I looked in the mirror. Not even I liked what I saw. Dull, stupid grey eyes. Dark hair muddled my face running over my eyes. I noticed the bruise was forming. All purple on my left cheek bone. I sighed for about the millionth time today. I'm ugly. I really do hate myself. I don't have any purpose to be here. And I don't even want to be here. I couldn't be what anyone wanted me to be. Just a failure, a loser. That's all I am. It's all I ever was. It's all I ever could be.

I fucking hate myself. I'm not good at anything.

Tears streamed down my face. I was stuck. Hopeless. Slightly panting losing my breath it felt like my skin was vibrating, I can't feel my hands either. There isn't enough air in here, my head hurts, I-I looked down to the scars, shaking my head. Mosen you know better than to keep doing useless things like that.

I gripped my hands together. You can't be that person anymore Mo. It's not good for you. I've been clean for about 4 months. I used to be terribly depressed. More than I am now if that was even believable. Cutting didn't help so much. But it sure did bring a nice feeling of satisfaction. If nothing felt right in the world, I knew the soft sweet sharp pain...e-even so, I know better than that. I let out a deep breathe.

It didn't mean dying didn't cross his mind anymore. But was unwilling to commit the act. 

Stuff like that isn't worth it, I think. I mean I'll die eventually, with enough time. Naturally.

But it was the only thing I knew. It was the only thing holding me together. That way I could release these emotions in a void. Where did they go? Still here probably.

Licking my own wounds never healed them. Yet I was too weak to do any more. 

I laid on the couch forgetting dinner completely. I silently stared ahead of me, letting the tears stream down. 

___________

My eyes stung as they opened. A dreamless night. It was like rising from the dead; empty, a void of nothing. Almost as terrible as having nightmares. 

I sat up my neck and back aching. I still felt the looming despair. I couldn't push it away. I groggily walked to the bathroom. I looked up and saw the horrendous bruise. It was maybe the sizing of, well, a tennis ball. My eyes were puffy from the crying too.

I walked to the shower never taking my eyes off the ground and felt tears whelm up again.

"You're disgusting"

"I hate you. You're so stupid! Useless!!" It yelled louder in my head. 

They all consume me.

I hugged my body weeping harder.

 I don't know when but Ieventually stopped. I don't think I have any more tears.

 It felt empty. At this point it was numbing.

I knew. I'd never amount to anything.

I washed and rinsed. To the beginning of the day.