Drip,dri-drip...drip.

The incessant and completely unrhythmic dripping sound was beginning to drive Pigglebottom Broadsword insane. 

The damp, dark, isolated cave he now found himself in was a world away from his previous Adventuring office. 

Gone were the countless cups of tea made for him by the work experience troll, and gone were the streams of sunlight that peeked through the windows and shone onto his face during his afternoon naps. 

All these comforts had now been replaced by a sound that was impossible to locate, damp air that was wreaking havoc with his asthma, and insects, so many insects, one of which seemed to have the same face as Pigglebottom’s mother, a fact that made him question his sanity on a near-hourly basis.

Pigglebottom had assured his mother (the actual one, not the insect) countless times that the reason for relocating his Adventuring company from the city to this more remote region was for their benefit.

If he set up his company in a less inhabited area, his overheads would be reduced drastically, helping keep the company afloat in the financially difficult times they were facing. As a result of the move, Pigglebottom hadn’t received any requests for Adventures, which greatly infuriated his greedy mother. 

This was in stark contrast to the company’s previous years, which had been prosperous and financially rewarding for the family. The former success was a direct result of Pigglebottom’s father, Baron Broadsword. 

Baron was the most famous Adventurer of his age, and simply hearing his name would make a dragon’s eggs go cold, and a Cyclops cover his one eye in fear. He was a legendarily brave man who would never turn down a request for help. If a monster needed slaying or a curse lifted, Baron was the man. 

His legend had spread across all 4 continents since he had no set fee, which led to him being crowned a man of the people, a working-class hero of sorts who was always willing to lend a hand to anyone in need. His name was so widely known that (with the help of his wife), he was able to open the world’s first legitimate Adventuring company. 

Unfortunately, Baron was tragically murdered during a run-in with a succubus, and the responsibility of the company fell to Baron’s sole heir, Pigglebottom. 

Aside from his father’s business, Pigglebottom inherited nothing else from his father, especially not Baron’s world-famous good looks. He instead inhabited a short and fairly rotund frame, with overly long curly brown hair (which frequently went unwashed for weeks on end) and a face that had once been described, rather nastily, like that of an “ogre’s smacked arse”. This was a comparison that Pigglebottom pleaded with his mother for years to stop repeating.

Pigglebottom’s brand-new office was indeed significantly cheaper than his previous dwelling, but it was not the price that had attracted him. 

You see, every moment that Pigglebottom spent in the previous office, he lived in fear. The thought that someone might appear and request his services frightened him to no end. 

This was the real reason he had decided to relocate to such an inhospitable environment, no one will come to seek my help if I am in the middle of nowhere, he decided when the idea first came to him as he hid under his desk while someone outside banged loudly on his office door.

It was a tactic that Pigglebottom frequently used to avoid having to take on any dangerous assignments, in addition to leaving the door to the office locked and the telephone unplugged. If he couldn’t be reached, he couldn’t be employed. 

His crippling fears stopped him from pursuing his dreams (becoming a singer-songwriter/dancer) but the presence of his overbearing mother made him feel obliged to keep the family business running. 

On the rare occasion he accepted a job it was usually because 1. The person had forced their way into his office and possessed a threatening nature, or 2. His mother was in the room when a person in need (with money in their wallet, of course) knocked on the door. 

It wasn’t that Pigglebottom was lazy or didn’t want to help anyone, he just couldn’t. But what was he afraid of I hear you ask? 

Well, just about anything, really. This was a man who would leap out of his skin every time an Armoured Horse and Cart honked its horn in the street. 

He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when he turned into a blubbering coward of a man and therefore considered that perhaps he’d just always been that way. 

One thing he was sure of, though, was that his mother played a big part in creating the shivering mess that was Pigglebottom. His fear of her was so great that he locked himself in the refrigerator to avoid a beating. He was later discovered inside, completely unconscious, by his mother. 

Upon awakening in an oxygen-deprived haze, the sight of her angry face was enough to make him dart back towards the refrigerator for another round of nerve-numbing asphyxiation.

The cave in which Pigglebottom’s office now resided was approximately 1 mile into a rocky and desolate mountain. As no natural light reached this part of the cave, Pigglebottom was forced to illuminate the area with several scented candles placed somewhat awkwardly on a candelabra, all of which had been given to him as a leaving gift by one of his former customers. 

Unfortunately for Pigglebottom, the scent was lavender, the only flower which Pigglebottom hated the smell of. He sat behind the desk that his father had bought before him, munching on some sour grapes and a particularly flavorless loaf of bread. 

Still etched into the wood of the desk was a tally of ConQuests, 457 to be precise. Pigglebottom had no idea what these conquests related to as many a time he’d checked through his father's Adventuring records but found that the numbers just didn’t tally up.

Although the cave was a cold and generally dreary place to be in, Pigglebottom hadn’t felt so comfortable in years. 

The constant fear of new customers requesting he fought some sort of beast or fetched an item that was located in a far-off and dangerous region had been replaced with a newfound sense of calm. 

Pigglebottom could never understand why they couldn’t just do these tasks themselves. as most of the requests came from people who looked much more able-bodied than him. Thus, despite his constant wheezing, Pigglebottom was totally at ease. 

Not even the strange squelching sound that had been echoing throughout the cave for the previous few hours phased him. 

He had lived in fear for so much of his life that his escape to the cave felt like a victory for him, albeit a soggy one. The thing he was most thankful for was being able to escape from his mother. 

He’d informed her of the move, but held back the details of the new location from her, citing the address had not yet been finalized. Who could possibly know that they were moving but didn’t know exactly where to? The lie itself was a terrible one, but luckily for him, his mother was less than intelligent.

Pigglebottom kept himself busy by constantly cleaning, but, unfortunately, he found that trying to keep a cave tidy was much like fighting a sea serpent with a wooden spoon, an ultimately pointless endeavor. 

He’d scrubbed a spot of mold that was forming on the chair opposite his desk countless times, which strangely kept reforming shortly after each scrub. 

After some time, the smell of the cleaning products combined with the lavender-scented candles was starting to make him feel light-headed. Thus, he decided he would have a break and get some fresh air. 

Grabbing a shawl which he used to keep his shoulders warm, he began the walk through the cave back out into the world. 

The rocks underneath Pigglebottom’s feet were slippery, so much so that he fell flat on his bottom a total of 4 times while journeying to the entrance. 

Pigglebottom tried to use his fingers to guide himself, placing them on the wall to the side of him to steady himself and avoid any more rump bumps. 

However, the wall was covered with many things that Pigglebottom’s fingers were not accustomed to touching, and as the dark took away his sight completely, he was forced instead to imagine whatever he was touching was far worse than what it actually was. 

After what seemed like an hour of traveling (he’d done this walk a total of 6 times now, it still hadn’t gotten any easier ), he smelt the sea. This, you would think, would be a relief, but unfortunately, the sea at Brown End smelt even worse than the cave.

You see, the area he had relocated his office to had once been described as “Hell-on-Earth-On-Sea” and “The Turd of the Southern Coastline of Kroydome”. 

Hundreds of years prior, the beach had almost been a battlefield. Word spread across Kroydome that a force had plans to invade via a fleet of ships crossing the sea, which Pigglebottom now lived on the cusp of. 

The inhabitants of the country, in blind panic, collectively decided that the best course of action would be to pollute the water. 

As such, thousands of people descended upon the beach, throwing any rubbish they could out into the already-murky depths. They hoped that the sea would become so vile smelling that no one, be they giga-squid or army of thousands, would want to cross it. 

A ridiculous idea, indeed. However, it did actually work. The invading force was so shocked by the citizens of Kroydome’s stupidity that they decided the country was not worth their time and instead decided to invade other more cultured civilizations. 

Kroydome had been saved but forever doomed to a reduced supply of seafood and fowl southerly winds.

Pigglebottom clambered out of the mouth of the cave and took a deep breath of putrid air. Shards of glass and rubbish crunched and cracked beneath the weight of his heavy black boots as he strolled along the shore. 

The murky water pulsated in and out, much like the vein on his mother’s forehead when she was angry, the thought of which made him shudder. 

The cloudy green sky above him seemed endless as he stared up into it and imagined whether anyone else on the planet was doing the same thing as him. 

He also wondered if any of them were wondering what he was wondering, then he wondered whether he would die alone… Pigglebottom wondered this very often.

As the sun began to descend into the murky depths of the horizon, Pigglebottom decided it was time to go back to the office and began his slow journey back through the winding path of the cave. This time, he fell on his bottom a total of 5 and a half times (upon turning a corner, he fell sideways onto just one of his butt cheeks which, in his humble opinion, just counted as half). 

As Pigglebottom neared his alcove at the end of the cave, he realized the squelching sound he’d heard earlier had thankfully ceased. 

As he lit a match to illuminate his abode with the lavender candles, his eyes spied something curious. The stain he was constantly scrubbing had grown. 

In fact, it had grown into somewhat of a pile. A pile of mold? Pigglebottom wondered as his hands began to shake. To calm himself, he lowered himself onto his barrel chair behind his desk and was about to engage in some comfort eating. 

As he lifted a dry loaf, before he could commence his munching, the pile started to bubble and spit putrid mucus-colored ooze onto his desk, the floor, the walls, and pretty much everywhere else in Pigglebottom’s office. 

The more it spat and spurted the more a horrendous stench in the air began to register, an almost choking smell that reminded Pigglebottom of his mother’s cooking. 

The pile began to slowly elongate upwards, eventually flopping into a dome-like form, constantly dripping itself onto the chair and floor. 

The scene startled Pigglebottom to such an extent that he recoiled in horror, falling backward off his barrel, sending a load of bread to the dirt below. 

As he stared at the slimy creature that sat in his gloomy cave of an office, Pigglebottom wondered whether the move to such a remote region was worth it after all. 

Just as he did, something resembling a face formed on the top of the slime creature, and something resembling speech was uttered from its mouth.

“My sluuuuurnn, f-f-f-fiiindded,” the slime puddle gurgled. At that moment, Pigglebottom decided the move was definitely not worth it after all.