Chapter 10

-Avi-

I tried putting effort into biology, and it sort of worked. I tried starting slow - just pay attention in class, but then I started getting bored so I just had a nap instead. But I didn’t skip the class at least.

I’ve been thinking about what Amelia said, about doing what I want to do. And I want to go to school, and try and reclaim academia for myself. For a very long time it was my passion, and I got a lot of joy from learning and the satisfaction of doing well on tests.

So I want to do that again, but it’ll take me some time. I need to take things easy. 

I know I freaked out Joyce and Sam with my breakdown, but hey I freaked myself out too, so we’re kind of even. And it seems that Jeremiah will never stop asking me why I took a whole week off, but Chester always eventually gets his brother to stop with all the questions.

I want to be friends with the twins - Jeremiah for his bright enthusiasm and permanent joy, and Chester for his quieter understanding. He’s more relaxed and calm, but sweet and friendly. And determined; he seems to always be studying, trying to do better.

He and Jeremiah both struggle with academics, but I’m pretty sure that’s because the teaching style here just doesn’t work for them. Jeremiah seems to get the more practical subjects far faster, like music and the science lessons in the lab, rather than the class based ones. And then Chester…I think the lessons just go too fast for him. He writes quite slowly, and that means he frequently doesn’t have time to write everything down, causing him to either miss out bits of information or get bits mixed up.

I feel bad about the notes. I forgot about that stupid fucking note, and I definitely didn’t think Chester would be the one to find the books and that note. He seems really worried about that student, and for the next few weeks in biology he always talks to the teacher at the end about it. There’s kind of nothing the teachers can do about it though - I mean I didn’t write my name on the books, other than my initials in the bottom corner of the first page. But ‘AH’ could be anyone.

Maybe I should just tell him. I mean Chester was doing so well from those notes - we had another test and he ended up scoring the best in the class - meanwhile I graduated from writing nothing on the test to putting down wrong answers only. A form of extra effort, I guess, because I had to work out the correct answer and then not choose it. But anyway, Chester doesn’t have the notes anymore, so now that we’ve moved onto a new topic, he doesn’t have an explanation that he understands. I’ve considered suggesting we study together, and then I can explain stuff, but I don’t know if it would be weird to study together. I haven’t done that in a really long time.

“Avi Hendricks. We need to talk about your test score, after class,” the biology teacher informs me, and I shrug. This lady loves to give out tests, and I either leave them entirely blank or I do wrong answers only, which is kind of satisfying. It’s a bit…nice, to use my brain again after letting it rot for so long.

Chester gives me a sympathetic look, glancing at the board and seeing that once again, I scored zero on the test - when everyone else scored at least one point. 

“I don’t know how you keep managing that - are you still leaving your tests blank?” Chester whispers, and I shrug. “Guess I’m not as good as everyone else in this class,” I muse, playing with my pencil.

“Want to study together after school? As the top student in bottom set biology, maybe I can help you?” Chester suggests proudly, and I smile. “Yeah, sure. Thanks.” I didn’t have to suggest it myself, which means that I can also back out more easily if I change my mind.

Once everyone has left the classroom and it’s just Chester and I still very slowly packing up our things, the teacher sighs. “Chester, if you want to wait for Avi that’s fine but can you wait outside? I need to talk to him,” she says firmly. Chester casts me a slightly pitying look, before squeezing my arm gently and walking away.

When the door shuts behind him, I slowly walk up to the teacher’s desk, waiting for her to talk. “Avi. I welcomed you into my class because you failed biology at your previous school, and I really hoped that I would be able to help you at least pass the subject this time. But you’ve made it very clear that the only reason you’re failing is because you want to.”

Well yeah. That’s the whole point.

“Avi, there’s no way you can score a zero on every single test. It’s like you’re deliberately scoring badly,” she continues, and I shrug. “I’m not too good at biology, Miss,” I lie. She sighs, pushing a familiar notebook towards me.

“Have you ever seen this before?” The teacher asks, and I shrug again, pretending that I didn’t spend hours pouring bucket loads of effort into creating those notes and then proceeding to revise from them, time and time again.

“Well, I can’t actually prove that these notes belong to you, however,” she says meaningfully, clasping her hands together, “you are the only student in this school who is two years behind. You’re the only student who uses British English, from the AQA A Level Biology textbook, who was doing A level Biology two years ago.”

“How the fuck did you glean all that from a bunch of notes?” Ok so that came out more threatening than I’d meant it to, but still. Is this lady a bloody detective or what?!

“Language, Avi. And after reading through these notes extensively, there’s one bit where you referenced a diagram, and you added that diagram into your notes. What looks to be a printed out screenshot of the diagram anyway, and it has a watermark on it, so that’s how I realised what exam board it was. And in case you weren’t aware - in the US we don’t do A Levels. They are very much a British thing.”

Fuck me. I even know the diagram she means - it explained the point so well that I had to include it, but I hadn’t even noticed the watermark on the photo.

“So, I would just like to ask why you gave up on biology, when you were clearly a top student in the subject?”

Feeling a little out of breath, I chew on my lips. “I just…didn’t have a reason to do well anymore,” and also it was at this time that I was no longer allowed to go to classes so I literally couldn’t learn anything, and I fully gave up on life until Joyce and Sam appeared out of nowhere and tried to adopt me - I refused, and only let them foster me because my grandparents had died only a year after my parents, and I was sick and tired of those shitty foster carers. And also they were, you know, going to court for child abuse and stuff because of the whole freezer incident(s) and all that shit.

“Is that why you wrote the suicide note?”

Glaring at the teacher, I turn away from her. “Look, you’re not my therapist. I’m not going to kill myself so you don’t need to worry; that was a long time ago.”

“Chester is worried. You should tell him who the notes belong to - and give them back to him while you’re at it. His grades and general understanding benefitted a lot from them,” she says, pushing those damn notebooks back into my hands.

Grabbing them just so I can get out of this room faster, I pull the door open and storm out, almost knocking Chester over in the process.

“Avi! Are you ok? Did she tell you off? It’s ok we can study together and then your grades will improve and she’ll stop giving you such a hard time…” he trails off, his eyes landing on the books in my hands. Pushing them into his arms, I bite my lip hard.

“Have them back. I don’t want them.”

“Why do you have them though?” He asks slowly, glancing up at me. Running my non fractured hand down my face, I turn back to Chester. “Because I’m the idiot who wrote them.”

Chester stays completely stock-still for a long moment, before abruptly pulling me into a hug. “We’re still studying together after school today, right? You can come to mine, Jeremiah will want to see you.”

Letting out a long breath, I try and calm myself down, before gently hugging Chester back. “Yeah, we’re still studying together. You know my grades could do with the help.”

Chester lets out a small snort of laughter, pulling back from the hug and smiling that sweet little smile I’d been beginning to miss. He’s seemed so stressed lately…was it because of that note he found? In which case it’s my fault he’s been so worried…

But for once, instead of feeling shit about something I can’t change, I try to do the one thing I can do. I try to do better next time.