Chapter 12 

“Shit man, I had no idea,” Jeremiah breathes out, flopping back down on the bed. Shrugging, I pick at my nails. “I don’t have a reason to talk about it, really,” well, other than in therapy anyway. Chester places his hand on my knee, giving me a small squeeze before retracting his hand. 

“Dinner!” Mrs Kennedy calls up the stairs and Jeremiah is out the door in record time. Chester and I both laugh, taking our time to get up from the floor and stretching out, our legs sore from sitting for so long. Chester offers me one of his signature smiles, and I return it for once, before following him down the stairs.

“Ah, it’s Avi isn’t it?” Mrs Kennedy says brightly when Chester and I make it down the stairs, and I nod a little awkwardly. “Yeah. Sorry, I never caught your name?” I say, trying to be casual and not sound overly formal. 

“It’s Alison! You’ve told your parents you won’t be home for dinner, right?” Alison checks, and I nod. I’ve been deliberately telling them where I am, so that they don’t assume I’ve had a panic attack in a field somewhere and run off. Chester briefly touches my arm as he leads me over to a seat, and I can’t tell if he just likes physical contact or if that’s his way of offering me comfort, but it’s sweet regardless.

Jeremiah talks Alison’s ear off all night about a practice game he had the other day, which apparently his girlfriend Mandy, from the cheer team, was supporting him at. And then Jeremiah turns his attention back to me, a big smile on his face. “You should totally try out for the basketball team! You’re good at it plus you have the height! You’d fit right in - you’re already friends with all the guys, so I don’t see any reason to not try out!” 

Shrugging, I pick at my food. I’ve managed to eat some of it at least - it’d be rude if I didn’t, and I don’t want Alison to think I don’t like her cooking or anything. Not that I’m that aware of the taste, but since I’ve started feeling a bit better I have noticed some strong tastes again. And since Alison made macaroni cheese, I can kind of taste the strong cheese. Small victories.

“I’m not really motivated enough. I’d probably just end up letting the team down, if I missed a game because I couldn’t be bothered or something,” I say honestly. I did really enjoy playing with Jeremiah and the guys before, and I do consider some of them as nearly-friends, now that I’m sitting with them for lunch every day.

But I’m still trying to have the motivation to do…well, anything, so trying out for a highly motivated  team sport sounds kind of dumb.

Jeremiah frowns, looking a little sad, like he doesn’t quite understand my reasoning. “But team sports help motivation! It’s the reason for my motivation anyway, so obviously if you just don’t want to that’s fine, but I think it’d be nice if you at least tried out. Maybe you’d be so shit you wouldn’t even make it on the team, you never know,” Jeremiah winks and Chester snorts next to me.

“That definitely wouldn’t be the case - Avi’s nearly as good as you- no offence,” he quickly says to me, but I don’t mind. I would hope that Jeremiah is better than me, based on how passionate he is about the sport.

“Fine, I’ll consider the try outs. But I’m barely passionate about it, so I don’t exactly have the same amount of motivation as you or the other guys…” I trail off, shaking my head slightly. 

“Then what are you passionate about?”

Jeremiah’s question takes me off guard, but I answer automatically before I’m able to stop myself or even think about what I’m saying.

“Making my parents proud.”

I instantly regret it, shaking my head and trying to clear the thoughts that threaten to bubble over in the form of another panic attack. “Not anymore. I’m trying to do stuff for myself - think about what I want and whatever. Or at least that’s what my therapist has been saying,” I mumble the last part, but the ghost of Chester’s hand on my leg indicates that he both heard it and is here for me.

“That’s a good idea. Doing things for other people is nice, but ultimately something like a passion should be for yourself - what you like doing, and what makes you happy,” Alison says meaningfully, for some reason looking at me, and then at Chester, fixing him with a look which must mean something between the two of them.

Apparently Jeremiah is as confused as me, at least. He raises an eyebrow, leaning forwards in his seat to stare at first his mother, and then his brother. “Did I miss something? Did something happen?” He asks, his tone turning a little worried towards the end. Chester just smiles gently at him, shaking his head.

“No, everything’s fine. Just something Mom and I talked about a while ago,” he explains. Cryptic, but Jeremiah seems instantly pacified by that response, so it must not be that big of a deal.

It’s strangely nice, eating dinner with Chester, Jeremiah and Alison. I’m not exactly 100% comfortable, and I don’t manage to eat everything on my plate, but it’s ok. I make it through the meal and even manage to join in with the conversations, so that’s a good sign. And I was able to eat a decent amount of food, so at least I won’t have to get my nutrients fix from one of those weird fake milkshakes tonight.

Sam offers to come pick me up, but I just decide to get the bus back to their place. I could use the time to think, plus the walk in the cool evening air for a few minutes. Chester is determined to not let me walk to the bus stop alone because I haven’t been there before - and then Jeremiah won’t let Chester walk back on his own, so the three of us walk to the bus stop in silence, and I enjoy the feel of the light breeze tickling against me.

“Thanks for helping me study, I definitely learned a lot today. And thank you for the notes,” Chester says quietly when Jeremiah runs off to inspect the bus stop ahead of us. Smiling slightly at him, I nod. “Thanks too. I had a nice time. It’s nice to study again…I’m still kind of finding my feet, but it’s fun with you.”

Oh shit, that was way too keen wasn’t it?!

But Chester just smiles, looking like he’s about to place his hand on my arm gently before changing his mind at the last second and punching my shoulder. “You too, bro.”

Um. What. Did I just get bro-zoned?

Not like we were flirting or anything before, but Chester has always been kind of touchy-feely with me, but never in a particularly ‘bro’ way, so now I’m just…confused. And I end up spending the whole bus journey home thinking about what he meant, instead of having my quiet and calm journey back.

I don’t want to be a ‘bro’ to Chester. It’s not like I have a crush on him - I do think he’s attractive and easy to get on with, and I like spending time with him, but I don’t have any real feelings for him. Just yet, anyway- but no, I’m not going to let myself catch feelings. That’s just stupid, and a waste of time and energy that I don’t really have.

I’m good at shoving my feelings down and not thinking about them, and this will be no different. I’m not going to avoid Chester or anything dramatic - I’ll just make sure that I don’t catch feelings for him.

I can do that.

I’m sure.