Kayla sat in her room, though it looked like it had when she was six.  There was the familiar sound of angry voices in the hallway.  Her parents.  Fighting again.  A stifled cry reached her, and she knew that one of them had struck the other.  Nothing new, but it made tears slip from her eyes.  Why couldn’t they just love each other?  Or why couldn’t they get a divorce?  What made them stay together when they made each other so unhappy? 

Suddenly, her room aged and she was fifteen.  Her first boyfriend was there smiling at her despite the fighting in the background.  Leaning down, he kissed her and fear skittered through her stomach.  She didn’t want to drive him away.  She didn’t want to be alone listening to the fighting.  He had to save her.

The boy leaned her on the bed and kept kissing her.  He wanted more than she was ready for, but Kayla was too scared of being alone to say no.  So they did what he wanted and she held back tears as she kept her pain to herself.  Then the boy dressed and patted her on the head.

“Aren’t you staying?” she asked.

Inside, she hoped he wouldn’t see her neediness. Her first boy laughed and shook his head before disappearing.  Kayla sat there, barely dressed, crying silently as the fighting outside continued.  Boys flashed in and out, but none stayed long.  No matter how she acted, they never stayed. And no matter how they treated her, she felt nothing for them.  It was like she was empty on the inside. So, Kayla wept and gave up even trying to appear strong or independent. 

DJ appeared with his puppy dog eyes, begging for a chance as she sat on her bed.  Yet she ignored him.  When he tried to touch her, Kayla pulled away.  She was bad for him. DJ was too kind, too sweet.  And she felt nothing for him.  She would only hurt him.

“No!” she finally shouted causing him to flinch. “What is wrong with you?  Why don’t you get that I don’t want you?”

“Why?” he whispered, his heart obviously breaking. “Am I not good enough, Kay?  I can be better…anything for you…”

Kayla turned her back to him, holding back the tears of her own disdain.

“It’s not you,” Kayla finally confessed, her back still to him, “I’m not good enough for you…”

A sob escaped her lips as she swiveled to face him, yet she had lost her chance. DJ had left just like the others. Then Danny appeared, and Kayla felt her spirits lighten.  He was a good guy.  He could accept and love her. Maybe with him, she could finally feel something.

She stood on the bed and pulled him to her.  Kayla brushed his hair back and looked deep into his eyes.  They were strong.  They could carry her. They could make her feel.

“Don’t you want me?” she purred.

Holding his hands, Kay recalled how Aless always looked at him. How Aless only seemed to see him when they were together.  Maybe he could make her that way too. Danny just stared blankly at her, his face cold and unfeeling.  She put his hands on her waist and kissed his neck.  Yet still, he was motionless and emotionless.  Kayla needed him. She needed that look that Aless gave him. Why wasn’t he responding?

“Love me,” she begged.

The tears never stopped their constant flow down her face. 

“Please love me.”

Kissing him, she felt her heart lighten for the briefest of moments as something minuscule twinged inside her. Then she felt his hands tense on her waist and push her away. 

“No,” he said stoically.  “I will never love you.”

Danny swiveled around and walked away.  Kayla reached for him but never left the bed.  He didn’t even look back as he faded from the room.  Screaming out his name, Kayla felt her body shake.  She felt used and alone as the shouting outside became louder.  Nothing stopped it.  Her head felt as if it was going to explode. Reaching under her pillow, Kay found a large bottle of ice whiskey and took the top off.  She took a large swig, but it didn’t help.  The screaming just became louder to a point that she thought her ears were going to burst. 

The bottle was half gone, and Kay felt cold as she took another swig.  Nothing else was working so this had to.  The bed felt hard and icy like her family’s kitchen floor as her fingers and toes ached with the frigid liquor.  With only a quarter of the bottle left, Kayla went to take a big drag when a hand pulled the bottle away. 

Bleary-eyed, Kayla looked up into Alessandra’s face.  Her friend looked down at her in pity as she tugged the bottle free from Kay’s grip.  Anger and bitterness boiled in Kayla as she looked at her friend’s visage.  How dare Aless pity her!  Aless’s life was much more pathetic than hers. Aless had no mother and a father who was never around.  She was a freaking virgin and only dated one guy seriously, who was a total jerk even if he hid it well.  How dare she always smile at Kay like she was okay!  How dare she not let Kay in! How dare she make Kay need her!  How dare she…how dare she….

“Stop looking at me!” Kayla screamed.

Taking a violent swing at Aless’s face, Kay found that her fist just passed through Aless as if she was a ghost.  Kayla kept swinging at her friend as if it would hurt Aless as much as Kayla was hurting but Aless just stared sadly at her friend.  Finally, Kay almost collapsed from exhaustion.  Alessandra sat down next to her on the bed, wrapping an arm around Kayla.  Resisting, Kayla didn’t want Aless’s comfort, but she didn’t fight long.  The only person who ever made Kay feel safe, loved, and wanted was Aless.  Why did Aless make her feel this way?  Why did Kay want nothing more and nothing less than for Aless to hold her? Shushing her tenderly, Alessandra coddled her friend.  

Eventually, they lay back on the bed and held each other, not talking.  A bubble seemed to form around them and the yelling became muffled background noise. Yes, that was Aless.  She could make the whole world disappear just for you. Tiredness washed over Kayla as she fell into a mind-numbing comfort.  Anger and thankfulness conflicted in Kayla as she felt Aless’s heart beat under her head.

“It’s okay,” Alessandra whispered.

She sweetly kissed the top of Kay’s head. 

“It’s okay.  I understand.”

“I’m a bad person, Aless,” Kayla confessed.  “I’ll betray you.”

“It’s okay,” Aless responded.

Moving her gaze upwards, Kay looked up into her eyes. They were so bright and clear and strong.  Moon eyes. 

“It’s okay, Kay,” Alessandra repeated.

Slipping a warm hand to Kay’s cheek, Aless held Kayla’s face tenderly. 

“I understand and it’s okay. I’ll forgive you.”

Kayla buried in her face Aless’s chest as she felt the steady heartbeat of her friend.  It confused Kay how she could love and hate someone so much as she did with Alessandra.  How could she live without her?