TW - brief mention of SH and suicide but it's just in passing
Chapter 16
“You’re sure it’s alright? I’m so sorry for springing this on you so suddenly,” Sam says quietly to Amelia - I shouldn’t even be able to hear what they’re saying, but I have to know the outcome of this conversation.
We decided it wasn’t a good idea for me to stay with Joyce and Sam anymore.
I always knew Joyce struggled with her mental health, but it turns out that that struggle goes way deeper than I’d assumed. She doesn’t hate me, surprisingly. But my very existence upsets her so much that it completely transforms her behaviour. I remind her of my mum and dad, which makes sense. And Joyce was best friends with Mum for as long as I can remember. They were practically sisters, so it seems that being around me makes Joyce so upset that she doesn’t know what to do with all that emotion.
She was hurting herself. She was beginning to consider suicide, and Sam didn’t know what else to do other than take away the root of Joyce’s problems: me.
After my panic attack on Friday evening, and Sam had to come calm me down, Joyce had another freak out of her own. And then Sam had to deal with that too.
I don’t envy him, having to deal with all my shit as well as Joyce’s and his own.
So at least without me there, then that’s one fewer person to have to deal with.
“Hey, Avi! Ben and I are excited to have you! I hope you like dogs because our puppy will be all over you,” Amelia says brightly, reaching her hand out to me. Slowly taking her hand, I stand up off the step, my face a complete mask of indifference. But I know Amelia sees right through it.
“You have everything you need? We’ll be back once everything is finalised anyway, but if there’s anything you’ll want for the next few weeks or so…” she trails off, suddenly pulling me into a hug. My eyes feel hot, but I blink away the tears before they can even think about leaving my eyes.
“I’m right here for you, Avi. Everything will be ok now. We’re going to take good care of you, and nothing like this- nothing like this will ever happen again,” Amelia reassures me, but I don’t even know if I can trust her. Even if I really, really want to.
But every single person who has ever ‘taken care’ of me left in the end. My parents. My grandparents. Those shitty foster carers. And now even Sam and Joyce. Who’s to say it won’t be Amelia and Ben next?
I don’t say a word during the drive across town to their house, and my silence continues once we get inside and Amelia shows me to the room I’ll be staying in. “I used to use this room for consultations, but then I decided against giving therapy at my own house, because some people are weird and not very nice, so I didn’t want to give out my address so freely. Not when it could disrupt the life Ben and I have here. So, we had a completely free room…it gets a nice amount of light though, and it’s pretty warm…” Amelia trails off, suddenly coming over to hug me again.
My eyes are once again hot, so she must have seen the threat of tears again. This time though, I hug her back. “Thanks,” I whisper, letting her hold me tightly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t realise how tough it was for you there,” Amelia says softly, pulling back and brushing away a rogue tear that managed to escape down my cheek. “I knew you weren’t loving it but I thought- I should have known. I mean I’m your therapist and it was clear what caused your panic attack the day we met, and then this one too…are you ok?” She whispers, gently taking my hands in hers and inspecting them for some kind of damage.
“I didn’t hurt myself this time,” I reassure her, taking my hands from hers and wrapping my arms around my torso. “I’m ok. Might have trouble eating again though…” I admit, that familiar feeling of nausea having not retreated since my panic attack three days ago.
“We can work on that. We’ll get you back up and running again, and you can take as many more days off school as you need,” she reassures me, but I shake my head. “One was enough. I want- I want to try and keep going. At least then I’m not just kicking around here,” I explain. I have to keep my mind busy, at the very least.
“Alright. Well…” Amelia trails off, before frowning slightly. “Look Avi there’s something I should tell you. I wasn’t planning to, because you were a client, but now you’re a client and living with us so…” she chews on her lips, sighing. “Remember how I knew Chester likes bowling?”
“Uh…yeah?” I question, letting her continue.
“Well that’s because he’s my brother. He and Jeremiah both, obviously. And Alison is my mom, and they don’t know you’re having therapy with me for obvious confidentiality reasons, but I will have to tell them that Ben and I have a…a you, now.”
Well at least I know she isn’t a transphobe.
“Oh…oh shit,” I breathe out. This means I’m on the verge of a crush on my therapist’s brother. Wait wait wait wait, Amelia and Ben are trying to foster me or something instead of Joyce and Sam, which means Chester would be my- what, foster uncle?
Ew ew ew ew ew what the fuck-
“Whatever you’re thinking, you probably shouldn’t. If you don’t want to, no names have to be mentioned and my family will never know you’re with Ben and me now, and because you’re legally an adult it’s not like you’re here as our foster kid, so this doesn’t have to be weird. It’s more like…” Amelia fishes for the word, “like you’re a family friend who lives with us now? Like another brother to me but not a brother because obviously you like my brother so- wait that came out wrong, I don’t mean to assume you like my brother I just meant-“ I interrupt Amelia with another hug, for lack of anything better to do.
“I uh. Just to clarify, I’m not crushing on Chester. Or Jeremiah. Or any other brothers you have, I don’t know how many of you there are. We just went bowling one time and it wasn’t a date or anything ok it was just a friend hang-out where we flirted a tiny bit-“ shut up, Avi. Amelia does not need to know any of this.
“Well for the record, if you ever did want to date him, then you’d have the big sister stamp of approval,” she winks at me, patting my shoulder before turning to go at the door. “Try not to get too stuck in your own head, tonight. Maybe give Chester a call - you’ve skipped a few study sessions over the weekend and today’s one too, right?”
Nodding, I wave goodbye to her before sitting down on the bed heavily. I’m definitely not calling Chester - I mean I’m shit on the phone anyway because I struggle to hear any of what’s being said, but it’s way too hard to explain over the phone where I vanished to and why I’ve basically been ghosting everyone and everything again.
But I will contact him. I will let him know I’m ok.
Writing a simple message apologising for not being around, I admit to having a kind of…turbulent, home life.
Chester gets back almost immediately.
Chester: Are you ok? I know you don’t really get on with Joyce…?
Me: yeah I sort of don’t live with them anymore. Joyce was saying how she really didn’t want me there and then I kind of had a panic attack, so yeah. A fun weekend.
Chester: Holy shit. Where are you right now? I’ll come to you. And you’re always welcome at my house, Mom and Jeremiah already love you
Me: thanks…it’s ok though, my therapist kind of ended up taking me in. Because I’m legally an adult though she isn’t fostering me I don’t think? I’m kind of confused on how it works but I’ll just let her and Sam deal with it. They have a dog which is nice though
Chester: I’m glad you’re safe, and dog cuddles cure all. My sister has a puppy, so if you ever want to meet another fluffball, just say the word
Me: funny you should say that.
Me: I wasn’t going to say anything and instead just pretend like this isn’t actually the case, but you’ll probably find out eventually so I might as well just tell you
Chester: Tell me what?
Me: I’m living with your sister and her husband. Amelia is my therapist.
Chester stops replying instantly, and I feel my heart sink a little. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him after all…
And then my phone vibrates, a call popping up on the screen. Reluctantly accepting it, I put the phone on loud speaker and hold it close to my ear. “HELLO?” Chester’s voice blares down the phone and I jerk my head away, my ears ringing.
“Um. Hi,” I eventually reply once my brain as recovered.
“I’m literally getting in the car right now, I’m driving to Ames’ house and you can’t stop me. I need to make sure you’re really ok,” Chester says decisively, and strangely enough, I don’t even want to tell him otherwise.
Maybe seeing him…talking to him…maybe it would help.
It certainly has helped before.
Comments (22)
See all