I had learned a few things so far: margaritas didn’t go well with beer, and Nya PonPons surely didn’t mix with Brenton Bandits. Paul's classmate Lin had left as soon as she realized how crowded Mina’s apartment had gotten. The other one, Elenore, stayed for about an hour, glued to the edge of the scruffy sofa.

“I don’t like it here,” she whispered the first time I approached her.

“I’m leaving,” she said when I was about to offer her a beer. She also whispered something about the finals which was way too silent for Paul to hear.

Now, the only pioneers left were Paul, Sam and I. To my surprise, the two of them did quite well. Sam, with his pretty privilege, has already befriended most of the Brenton Bandits; meanwhile, Paul found a beat-up Zbox (that was enough to keep him entertained for an entire night).

I was doing Okay. I hadn’t become one of the Brenton Bandits yet, but I was on the right track. More time was needed to come up with a plan. At first, I just took over Elenore’s spot, catching bits and pieces of the chaotic chatter:

Mina’s roommate was this blue-haired girl whose name I didn't quite get. Actually, I didn't manage to get any of the partygoers' names but one. Dan, probably short for Daniel, I didn't have the guts to ask. He was the same guy I'd been eyeing at the bar. Bold tattoos spiraled his left arm; a snake, a skull and a bunch of other odd creatures. Dan's husky voice dominated the conversation, as he and the blue-haired girl were discussing the German city Ramstein and someone called Till Lindemann.

I said hi a few times, but neither of them heard me; it was a poor strategy. To hell with my rumbling stomach - I was one drink away from getting to know the Brenton Bandits. And Dan.

As I was strolling to get another beer, I realized how eerily similar this place was to Paul’s. The layout was nearly identical; two bedrooms at the end of the hallway, and a tiny kitchen that barely fit a regular-sized table. Perhaps, most of the commie-blocks looked the same?

There were a few differences, however. Paul lived alone, and Mina had three roommates, two of them being cockroaches I saw sprinting towards the kitchen cabinets; Paul’s walls were all covered with a 50-year-old wallpaper, and most of Mina’s walls stood bare, scribbled with creepy human-like figures. 

My belly released a louder rumble, probably confused by the beer I was chugging. My mind has been satisfied though, as I finally felt ready to befriend Brenton Bandits.

“Hi,” I exclaimed as soon as Mina entered the kitchen.

She glanced at me, reaching for the fridge, “Cute sweater.”

“Thanks. I got it from a thrift store. Cost me, like, three Euros.”

“Cute, cute, cute…”

I was doing great, “Where can I smoke?”

Mina stopped in the doorway, hand clenching an unopened can, “Balcony.”

At first, I thought it was the balcony adjacent to the living room, but the doors wouldn’t budge. Supposing I knew the layout, I marched through the hall and stopped by the door.  There had to be a balcony in there, but was it okay to invade someone's room? What if they were... busy? I knocked, but no one answered. I got closer to the door, listening for any human sounds. Nothing. Carefully, I pushed the door just to be greeted by a tiny empty room, its walls covered with posters. I didn't dare to peek at any of them, I just rushed to the balcony and quickly shut the door behind me. It had to be it—there were flower pots blooming with cigarette butts, and a collection of empty smoke packs stacked into an uneven pyramid.

I flung the window open. Even though it was the end of the summer, the breeze was still pleasant; not cool enough to fog my glasses, yet chilly enough to rejuvenate my heated skin. It whooshed somewhere from the dark forest, passing lines of commie-blocks, right into my smiling face. It was a good night.

I couldn’t have asked the Universe for more, I had to do better. If only Dan knew my name. One-on-one conversations were my thing, but he was constantly surrounded by people. If there were just the two of us, we would have been friends already.

All of a sudden, the balcony doors let out a sorrowful squeak. Soft steps; one, then another, and a tattooed hand reaching for my shoulder. It was Dan.

“Lighter?” he asked.

I handed it in an instant, wiping my sweaty palms before he could notice.

Dan leaned on the window frame and lighted a cigarette, “Who let you in here?”

“M-Mina”

“I’m just messing,” Dan laughed.

“It’s a c-cool place.”

“You’re a pal of Sam's?”

“Yeah, I’m-”

A loud beep interrupted our conversation. My mom was calling me. Again.

“A worried girlfriend?” Dan asked.

“Yes,” I quickly turned off my phone.

“You won’t even answer it?”

“She lives in Canada. Canadians are okay with that.”

Dan grinned, “Sure, pal. Those girlfriends, am I right?”

“Do you have a girlf-?” I was interrupted by the blue-haired girl's and Sam's chatter as they were trying to squeeze into the balcony.

“Danny, Danny,” the blue-haired girl said, “where is your girlfriend, huh?”

 my heart sank. She must have overheard us.

“You're the one who dumped me,” Dan giggled and wrapped his arm around the blue-haired girl's waist. I averted my gaze.

“You two guys?” Sam lighted a cig, “There’s no way you could have scored Rex.”

Blue haired-girl, apparently named after a dinosaur, giggled.  “Yeah, yeah, it was ages ago. We're good now, aren't we?”

“We were basically babies,” added Dan, now completely turning his back on me. 

“Yeah, we were like 17 back then?” Rex took a short puff, “I didn’t freak out when we broke up. But when he started dating a guy right after me? Can you believe it, Sam? This guy...” 

“I’m bisexual too,” I yelled out of the blue. I have no idea why I said that. 

WHAT

 A

STUPID

FUCK

I

AM

I didn't have to see their faces to know their judging eyes were all on me. The obnoxious silence spoke for itself, the only sound being Sam choking on his cigarette. At least I'm not the only failure here. After what felt like an eternity Dan finally spoke “Oh, good for you bisexual boy," and everybody laughed. Laughed at me. I took a few steps back, hoping the corner of the balcony would swallow me whole but the conversation went on and I was still there.

“The hookah's ready,” Mina's head peeped into the balcony.

“We're coming,” Dan put out his cigarette followed by Rex. 

"I'll have another one and see you in a min" noted Sam as Dan and Rex exited the balcony.

Confused, I lighted another cigarette. I hadn’t smoked a hookah before, but I knew what it was. Hookahs originated in India and soon became popular among noblemen. Nowadays, it is a social thing of sorts; everyone uses the same mouthpiece. It meant my lips would touch the same spot as Dan’s... There's a risk of me coughing, I cannot make a fool out of myself again, they're all already thinking I'm weird. 

“You sure you want that? We could leave now. Crash at Paul’s,” Sam interrupted.

What was his deal? Sam thought he could keep his cool friends for himself. Was he trying to sabotage me?

“I’m good.”

“You sure?” he insisted.

“Yes, Sam. I’m sure.”

He nodded and, to my surprise, kept his mouth shut until our cigarettes turned into ashes.

-

A disk-shaped coal flickered in the dim living room, as Dan was trying to ignite it. I plopped down on the floor next to Paul, who was glancing at Mina's knee-high socks.

“Man, I thought you have left with Elenore,” Paul whispered.

Dan was the first one to take a puff. As he exhaled a cloud of smoke I finally dared to peek at his face. Foggy, his eyes indeed were brown, black even. No piercings, just a cheeky grin framed by a medium sized beard. Surrounded by smoke, he resembled a Norse god.

“Your turn, Nick,” said Paul.

I must have dozed off, I didn’t even examine how a hookah had to be smoked. Lips reached for the mouthpiece; I inhaled. My throat was a bit tingly, but I refused to cough. I could't cough. Surprisingly, I did well and so I took two more puffs.

When the hookah’s hose made a few circles, everyone leaned back; Dan, accompanied by the two guys whose names I didn't even bother to learn, Rex and Mina lay on the floor, heads resting on round decorative pillows. Paul and Sam leaned by the wall right beside me, eyes shut. A weird ritual it was.

It began as a tingling sensation in my legs; and as soon as I closed my eyes, a familiar feeling hit me. Any thought that pierced my mind, would now turn into genuine matter. I thought of a cloud, and I could touch its fluffy silhouette. I pictured a river and it encircled me, tickling my bare feet with its torrent.

Then, I tried to recreate what I’ve just witnessed; Dan’s face. Two almond shaped eyes. Long nose, slightly crooked to the right. Prominent cheekbones; and soft lips, getting closer and closer until I could feel them colliding with my skin.

Dan kissed me?! I opened my eyes in panic, margarita-beer mix slowly creeping up my stomach. No one has moved, Dan still on the sofa, eyes closed. I tried to stand up, but my limbs wouldn’t agree. Conquered by terror, I tried to collect my thoughts, but they

wouldn’t

stop

melting.

“Fuck” was my last cohesive thought before I blacked out.