This loop was different.

Call it a feeling but something felt off. Throughout the beginning of the year, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different and it was a difference I wasn’t used to. I only found out what was different when school started.

Amy my high school sweetheart brought me aside during lunch time with an uncharacteristic smug look on her face and said something I didn’t expect her to say.

“I’m breaking up with you, asshole!” she said, grinning.

I stared at her blankly.

There was a clear look of excitement on her face. “Oh god, can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner. The misery you caused me.”

I blinked. I was wondering what I did. The beginning of the year played out the same with the usual texts. I did the rounds, went on the trips and parties I usually attended on New Year’s. What was different this time…

“Oh, that’s it,” I said. “I didn’t text you.”

Amy scoffed. “Oh my god. How self-centred can you be? You think I’m making this decision because you didn’t text me. No, I’m doing it because of what you… or rather what you will do.”

I was confused. “Huh?”

“Can’t believe I was worked up over a loser like you,” Amy said with a grin before stomping off into the snow.

“What the hell was that?” I muttered to myself.

…

It didn’t take me long to figure out what was up.

You see, Amy wasn’t the smartest when it came to school things not because she didn’t try. Just because of the stress. Her marks were average, especially so after I decide to break up with her. However, now she was acing exams left and right, slowly becoming a teacher’s pet. It was almost as if she knew what was going to happen during the papers and how to answer them (without even knowing that the more an average student improves, the harder the papers get.)

But that wasn’t what gave it away to me. No. It was the fact that she was cutting out people in her life left and right, people in previous loops she was so desperate to please. Oh, but not only that. For some reason she was starting to take art classes and talking to a bunch of cute guys that…

“When are you going to stop stalking me?”

I stumbled down the tree as the branches cracked around me.

“How long have you known?” I said, dusting myself off and ignoring the pain in my body.

“Been a few months now,” Amy said shrugging. “At first I really enjoyed it, gave me something to gloat about but now it’s getting kinda…”

“You’re in a time loop,” I said.

“What?” Amy said.

“You’re in a time loop.”

“Did you hit your head?” Amy said. “What’s up with you?”

“Do you think about your High school life a lot?”

“Where are these questions coming from?” Amy said. “You’re really starting to creep me out.”

“You didn’t really do well in your finals did you?” I said. “Buncha C’s, one B and an F. I really don’t know what happened to you but I do know Stephanie is a toxic ass bitch and one of your closest friends. Maybe something happened with you after high school and… I dated her in one of the loops. Dated her while dating you in another and…”

“Dear god I get it,” Amy said, her face was red and flustered. “You’re from the future too aren’t you? Can you just… I don’t know shut up and stop bringing up things up?”

“God, you’re such an asshole,” she whispered underneath her breath.

“You know,” I said. “I didn’t know you were an artist. I really liked that drawing of yours with the farmer.”

“You didn’t know I was an artist because you didn’t ask,” Amy said. “You were such a self-involved jerk I’m surprised you’re talking to me right now.”

I shrugged and walked towards her even though my bruises from falling off a 3-meter-long tree started to act flare up.

“Ouch,” I said. “Yeah, I guess I was. My girlfriend would beg to differ but I still have to meet her 3 years from now.”

“That explains it,” Amy said.

“Explains what?”

“You’ve been missing for what, 4 years now?” Amy said. “I saw it in a newspaper or something.”

Hearing that felt like a gut punch. “What? Four years… damn.”

Amy had a brief look of concern on her face. “Hey what’s up?”

I chuckled. “Four years huh? I… I had a job lined up for me. I…”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Did… did Sarah find the ring? Dad was starting to get a little sick, is… is he okay?”

 There was an emptiness in my heart, an emptiness that threatened to overwhelm me. Which was funny because it had been a very, very long time since I had felt any sort of sadness. Four years of my life had passed by while I was stuck in these… these time loops with frozen statues in the shape of the people I knew. 

“Look, I wasn’t stalking you so I don’t know anything about your personal life,” Amy said. “And quite frankly I don’t care. Sort yourself out. It’s your problem, not mine.”

Amy chuckled. “That’s exactly what you said to me after I begged you to come back. Funny how karma works.”

She started to walk away. Swirling thoughts started spinning in my brain, about Sarah, about dad and mum, the friends I left behind. How are they? How are they coping? And whether it was the fact that I was angry and hurt or just grieving a life I’d never had to live, the words that came out of my mouth I said to Amy were harsher than they had any right to me.

“Your shitty life isn’t going to get fixed,” I said. “You’re not going back with a magical lease on your life. You’re stuck here. Forever.”

Amy was hesitant but she stared at me with smug satisfaction. “Maybe you wouldn’t be stuck here if you weren’t such an asshole.”

“Oh, and you think being a saint will get you out?” I said with a laugh. “It wasn’t because you weren’t nice enough to everyone else that your life turned to shit. It was because of you.”

Amy’s face burned an angry red. She clenched her fist. “You really are a fucking asshole, aren’t you?”

“At least I’m not fucking delusional.”

She ignored me and headed on. “I’m glad I broke up with you.”

I smiled. “In most of the loops I was the one who broke up with you first.”

Amy walked away, leaving me behind to fester in my anger and the grief of the life that I had left behind.

…

It was the end of the year. School was just ending and everyone was anxious, they had just finished finals and would now have to wait a whole month before they could get their results. There was an air of dread and excitement hanging in the air. The only people who were relatively unfazed were me and Amy. Me with my usual indifference and Amy with a huge grin on her face, she knew what was coming in the exams and with that knowledge in mind, she knew she aced her exams.

I walked over to her, giving her a light wave. We were both unnecessarily harsh to each other and if I was going to be stuck here for another 4000 loops I might as well be stuck with a friend than someone who wants to strangle me. Amy smiled at her group of friends and walked over to me.

“What?” Amy asked. “Here to gloat again.”

“No, I’m here to apologise,” I said. “We were both harsh to each other and if I’m going to be stuck here with someone…”

Amy groaned. “Here you go again.”

I sighed. “Look I’ve been here 4000 times and I know for a fact that…”

“You never stopped being stubborn huh?” Amy said. “Look I’m sure you’re just exaggerating but if you’re not lying, maybe you were doing something wrong those 4000 times.”

I stared at her dumbfounded, my eyebrows twitched.

“Maybe if you stop being a stubborn, selfish jackass,” Amy said. “Maybe you’ll get out of here.”

I smiled at her. “Yeah, maybe you’re right Amy. I’ll be sure to change my approach and suck everybody’s dick from now on.”

“See, you’re being an asshole again,” Amy said. “You really need to work on yourself.”

I smiled and nodded. “You’re right Amy. See you next year.”

“Yep, see you next year.”

That night I decided to go to the same New Year’s Party Amy was attending, I drank, got wasted out of my mind and drunkenly mumbled the New Year countdown with everybody else.

“5,” everybody exclaimed.

“4”

“3”

“2”