"You think... You think I'm beautiful?" I muttered at him, not breaking eye contact.
I couldn't remember a single time that someone had called me beautiful. The best I got was cute or hot.
Lucas looked at me and nodded quickly, "Yes, I think that you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen and I am so not in your league."
He's wrong though.
I'm not the most beautiful person.
He is.
"That's not true, Lucas. I'm not beautiful. But can I ask you a favor? It's a weird one... but can you take me to your place? It's too much here," I rambled out quickly.
What the fuck am I doing?
Why... Why would I ask this?
My thoughts were throwing me into a spiral, broken by the sound of him clearing his throat.
"I... uh yeah. Yeah okay. I have my own place. No promises on cleanliness but I do have food, a shower, and TV," he nodded, a gentle smile on his face.
Oh.
He... agreed... why?
I don't understand.
People aren't this nice, without wanting something... but... okay I'll go along with this.
"That sounds good. Don't worry about cleaning. I literally just told you I'm a squatter and you're still interested in talking to me. I wasn't completely honest before but that doesn't matter right now," jumping off the hood, I walked over to the passenger door.
I placed my hand on the handle and looked over at him. My heart was racing, I could feel it in my throat.
"Eventually, I am going to need you, to be honest with me. No matter what it is, it'll be okay unless you're a serial killer. Then we will have to work that out because I'm frankly not in the market to help but I am good at keeping secrets," Lucas joked sliding off the hood and walking to the driver's door. He leaned over and unlocked the door and I hesitated.
What am I doing?
With a soft sigh, I opened the door. Taking a deep breath, I climbed in and looked over at Lucas. He was gripping the steering wheel and I could hear him sigh.
He must be nervous.
I don't think I've ever made anyone this obviously nervous before.
"So how far are we going?" I asked trying to break the silence. I threw my seatbelt on and looked out the passenger window, my hands knotting in my lap to match the feeling in my stomach.
Everything was easy with Lucas and it's terrifying. I met him an hour ago and yet, here I was sitting in his car, getting ready to go home with him.
What's wrong with me?
He has such a calming, laid-back vibe but I had never felt this way in the presence of another person.
I was scared, but at the same time, I'm relaxed.
I'm confused.
I realized that he was staring at me and I nervously bit my lip, "Sorry, what did you say?" I asked him quickly, a blush spreading across my cheeks.
"I'm sorry to interrupt your thoughts. I was just saying it's only a 10-minute drive from here to my place. It's not too far. Are you sure you wanna go there? If you're having second thoughts it's okay. We can just stay here."
Second thoughts?
I can... I can have those?
Do I have a choice?
I've never been allowed choices before.
Steeling my nerves, I nodded my head and looked over at him, "No, no, start up your car let's go."
He nodded at me, fired up the Mustang, and took off down the road, "So you gonna tell me what you're thinking about? Or are you just gonna sit there and look pretty? Because I'm definitely down for you just bein' pretty but I like listening to you talk," he finished his sentence by softly touching my arm.
A small shiver went down my arm, and I looked out the window.
Honesty is the best policy, right?
I guess it's time for some emotional vomit.
I took a deep breath and kept staring out the window, "I was thinking that I have never met someone quite like you. I've known you all of an hour basically and you make me feel so much happier and calmer than anyone I have ever met in my entire life and I'm not sure why. But I think that no matter where you go, that's where I want to be. Wow, I am so sorry.... that just made me sound super crazy and intense," I groaned.
Alright, maybe emotional vomit was not the best idea.
Why did I say any of that? Was it even true?
Why?
Why?
Why?
I was fighting my embarrassment at being unable to handle my own truth.
"No, no. It makes you sound like me. Trust me. I like you just as much Addi. So stop worrying okay? We are either both crazy or fate finally listened to me after all these years," he reached over and laced his fingers through mine, squeezing my hand gently.
It was too warm.
He kept holding my hand, a gentle silence falling over the car. It wasn't awkward, just silence.
Why isn't this awkward? Shouldn't I be? I don't know him.
My thoughts kept racing as we pulled up to a huge house. I was in awe. It was two stories, with a large wrap-around porch, the house had been painted a light blue, accented in white. Large windows faced out into the yard, and there was a beautiful white fence that wrapped around the property.
"Wow, when you said you had your own place I thought you meant an apartment. This is a beautiful house,” my words came out in a whisper as I stared up at the house.
"Yeah, it was my parents before they died. It's just easier to stay here," Lucas answered, his words followed by an annoyed huff.
The grating sound of his voice had me concerned, and I couldn't help but ask, "It's not my place to ask, but if you hate it that much, why don't you just move?"
"Just... look it's personal. If you ever feel like you can open up with me, and explain what you've been going through, I'll be more willing to give you all the details on the house," he shut off the engine and looked at me, "Come on let's head inside. Oh shit, wait! You're not allergic to dogs right?"
We climbed out of the car at the same time, and I shook my head, "Oh no, they tend to love me, but to be honest, I'm just not sure why," I shrugged.
I love dogs and they love me. They're innocent fluffy souls. I was never allowed to own one as a kid, or when I was with my ex. They're distracting and take time away from people, is what I had always been told. I didn't agree with this sentiment. They're the perfect companions.
"Oh good. My godparents, Shana and Dex, got this schnauzer for my god sister Joelle. The dog hates her. But he loves me, so I kept him company," he finished his explanation with a smile and grabbed my hand pulling me gently behind him. The minute our feet hit the first step, I could hear the sound of a dog yapping and claw at the door, "Dammit! Crowley shut up!" Lucas yelled jokingly.
I looked up at him and burst out laughing, "Your dog's name is Crowley?"
"Yeah yeah, shut up. It's a name I read in a book. It's Irish I think. He's a schnauzer. I thought it fit."
"Oh well, you got one thing right. Crowley IS an Irish name. But, Schnauzers are German. But you tried. A for effort. F for accuracy," I gave him a quick thumbs-up, followed by a thumbs down sticking my tongue out.
I don't remember the last time I freely laughed like that. My throat felt rough and hoarse.
When was the last time I actually laughed?
"Adrian, please, shut up," he laughed along with me, opening the door.
A fuzzy bullet came bursting out of the door at full speed and started running circles around us. A small red collar on his neck, he was sniffing me aggressively, and his tail wagged so fast that his entire butt wiggled.
I kneeled down and put the back of my hand out to him, "Hi Crowley," I whispered and started scratching behind his ears.
So soft. So fluffy.
"Crowley! Bed. Now," Lucas commanded. Crowley licked me once, shook his tail a bit, barked, and then trotted off into the house.
"That is the cutest dog I have ever seen. I love him. But I expected him to be... bigger... he doesn't quite fit the image of the man standing in front of me," I joked, getting to my feet.
"You are such a shit," he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house, "You come off as this quiet guy at the party but in reality, you are a snappy, witty, adorable kid aren't you," Lucas smiled, closing the door and pushing me up against it, his arms on either side of my head.
I panicked, staring up at him, but there was one thing he said that pissed me off.
"I'm not a kid Luca," I spat out.
"Now that I think about it.... how old are you?" he pulled back, resting his hands against my hips.
I don't like being touched.
People don't touch me gently like this.
Slaps, punches, and scratches were normal.
This was not.
"Uh... I'm 18," breaking eye contact, I stared at his chest and waited for his reply, assuming he'd throw me out as soon as he heard my age.
His response, however, shocked me when he let out a loud gasp.
"18? You should have lied. You really are still a kid! There is no way I'm letting you live on the streets anymore. I don't really care what you have to say. I would love the company and you look like you could use a shower, food, and someone to actually listen to you for once. I'm not trying to seem crazy or hurt you or anything. You can leave whenever you want but I just want you to be okay. I care about people as I told you earlier, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries" he finished, an awkward smile on his face.
What?
What did you just say?
Why?
What do you want from me?
Why can't I just say my thoughts?
Taking a deep breath, I looked up at him again, "I... I can't impose like that Luca. It'd cause you trouble. I have nothing to offer you."
"I’m not asking for anything from you Addi. Besides, how much trouble can you be?" he finally released me and walked into the living room to take a seat.
Snorting, I followed him, stopping awkwardly in the doorway.
If only he knew, about the baggage I came with, the pain I cause others around me, he would have left me at that party. On the other side of all this, I couldn't turn away from the genuine interest he was showing. He seemed to actually want to help. To want someone to care for. I felt that I owed him an explanation of who I was but I knew it was best to save that conversation for later.
With a sigh, I looked over at him, "In good time Lucas okay? I'll explain when I'm ready."
"Okay Addi sure, I'll trust you," he smiled at me, too brightly like always, and patted the seat next to him.
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