The rest of the day, to Alex’s surprise, went just fine. The classes weren’t too hard or annoying, and they even ended the last one 10 minutes early.

After their teacher left the classroom, Alex let out a long breath. He was another step closer to home.

He packed up his things, stood up, and waited for Noah to finish as well.

“Let’s go.” Noah said after a minute or so and put his backpack on his shoulder. Together, they left the classroom and walked outside the school building, heading to the cafeteria located in a separate building.

About half on the way there, Noah suddenly slapped his forehead. “Oh, no! I forgot my mom didn’t order my lunches for this month.” he sighed and his shoulders dropped. “She accidentally clicked May instead of April on the server.”

Ah…

“…won’t you be hungry? Your house is far away, no?” Alex said quietly.

Noah smiled a little at his question. “....well, don’t worry, I think I’ll buy something on the way.” He checked his phone for a brief moment. “Ah, I can catch an earlier bus if I leave now!” He immediately turned around and speed-walked back. “Sorry about that! I’ll see you tomorrow, Lex!”

“...y-yeah, bye.”

“…Lex?” It felt strange being referred to with….a nickname. It was the first time someone had done so. Alex, for a short moment, kept looking at the doors behind which Noah disappeared.

…weirdo.

Alex, now alone, took the headphones out of his pocket and put them in his ears. Even if he didn’t play any music through them, they felt comforting.

He slowly approached the cafeteria building and saw the open doors leading inside. He knew he had a head start from all the other students, but still, seemingly out of habit, approaching them made his heartbeat quicken.

He didn’t like sitting with other students at a table. He hated having to ask someone for permission to sit alongside them in case no tables were free. It was all another mental border he had to get over, the final boss standing between him and sweet freedom.

Alex gritted his teeth and entered.

To no one’s surprise, except Alex’s morbid brain's, only about 10 people were standing in line, and even less sat. He let out a sigh of relief.

Alex only had to wait less than 2 minutes before he got his serving of food. His legs automatically headed toward his usual table, located not too close to the back of the room and not too far from the food disposal area. The right end of the table was next to a large window. He sat down right next to it; it was his favorite spot.

It was always really nice to see the sun shining through and feel it warming his skin. Sometimes he’d see a bird, a chaffinch, or a blackbird, flying by. Hearing their cheerful chirping always made him smile.

He started eating the meal, grilled fish and potatoes.

Alex always recognizes that school isn’t such a hellhole. The problem is, he does so only after the day’s over. Before that, he can’t help but imagine the worst possible scenarios happening, utterly humiliating him, in front of everybody.

I fucking hate this.

He knew that if he wasn’t this anxious, pathetic little-

“Hey, can we sit with you?”

Alex looked up. He saw a couple of people from his class. The popular ones.

Oh, no…

The one who asked, a girl with long red hair, smiled at him. She did seem like an okay person in class, but….what do they all want?

What are they planning? Are they going to make fun of me? Fuck….I, I want to disappear.

“…..s-sure, whatever.” he answered, trying to sound unbothered. He briefly looked around. Most of the other tables around were empty. His heart dropped.

She enthusiastically sat down in the opposite chair of him. Her other friends followed her. The group was composed of 3 girls and 2 guys including the leader girl.

Alex remembered those guys. They were always trying really hard to seem cool. They wore chains and rings for sure from, like, H&M, and had their skateboards with them all the time. Alex was yet to see them actually ride them.

The girls were fine, although a bit mean. He’d sometimes overhear them making fun of other classmates.

They all began chatting as soon as they all sat down. About school. Their crushes or partners. Homework. Studying. Alex listened to them for a moment. These people were so normal. They could hold a conversation, no problem, and were laughing at each other’s jokes….

Alex never felt more out of place. He hated his lack of social skills.

“What about you, Alex?” one of the girls, Bea, asked. She leaned on the table, staring at him intently.

“..h-huh? Sorry, I was spaced out...” Alex was too busy drowning in self-pity to pay attention.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” The enthusiasm in her voice was a little too uncomfortable for him.

“Ah….no. I don’t.”

“And have you ever been in a relationship?!” It felt like she was trying to figure something out about him. What could it be?

“No." She looked suspiciously. “I haven’t had that much interest in those things…I guess.”

One of the guys suddenly interrupted them. “What does that even mean, bro?”

“Uh..” What am I even supposed to say to that?

“Ugh, what are we even doing here?” He pointed at the girl with red hair. “You said you wanted to talk to this guy. What, do you have a crush on him? This fucking weirdo f*g?”

“That’s enough!! No, I just-”

I’ve had enough. Alex didn’t bother finishing his food; he had lost his appetite. He stood up and looked at them all, stone cold expression on his face. “Don’t talk to me again.” he simply turned around and left. He didn’t listen to any of their ‘where do you think you’re going’’s and sped out of the cafeteria. He was afraid his facade would crumble if he had stayed there any longer.

Alex needed to find a place where he’d be alone. He walked into an empty storage room and sat down on the nasty floor.

That guy clocked him. He was questioning his sexuality lately.

......not long ago, he started feeling...strange about his attraction to girls. He didn't know if he was just momentarily confused about himself or if it really meant something more. He just didn't know. He didn't know. He was swimming in the dark. In a scary dark sea of unexplained thoughts and feelings.

"Ugh....fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...." he buried his face in his hands. It hurt so much.

Alex had to wait a long while before he properly calmed down. After that, he walked out of school, dragging his feet.

He exited the main doors and looked up. The shining sun's never felt so cold before.