Days off. The best thing for any student. Weekends: brilliant. Days full of frees, where everyone but you has to go in: even more brilliant. That’s what today was for me. My last ever free day or day off. It still hasn’t quite registered with me that I’m doing a lot of lasts this week. I don’t know if it ever will. I sort of hope it doesn’t because I know I’ll cry if it does.

I had one goal for today: figure out whether or not to tell Olivia how I feel. This was going to be a terrific journey into my own mind and reasoning… is what I thought. I tried that. I did. It was alright. I realised that I swing neither way and am firmly sat on the fence about this. If left up to me, and only me, this whole thing would most likely come down to a coin toss and that doesn’t feel quite right. This whole thing feels like it should be a little bigger and more important that just a simple coin toss and heads or tails. Actually, thinking about it, I’d struggle a lot with choosing which belonged to heads and which went to tails. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea?

Okay, no. It definitely is. I’ll figure something else out.

It only took me 5 hours but I finally got all the help I needed. See, I don’t know if you know this but I’m kind of a writer. I write short stories and screenplays… that I very rarely put out for people to read and kinda just hoard in my desk and on my desktop. But still, the point is, all my friends know I write. I’m actually currently writing a TV series of web series (I haven’t decided yet) based around my college life from start to end. Anyway, I had an idea earlier. I’ll ask some of my friends what they think a character in the show would do if he was in love with his best friend and then use their advice for myself. It’s a genius idea, if you ask me.

“Hey, could I get your help with something for the show I’m writing? I just need to see what you think this character, Danny, should do. He’s in love with his best friend, Sarah, and doesn’t know whether to tell her and then get on with his life or just move on anyway because it’s hopeless. What’d you think?” That was the message I sent. Pretty good, right? I mean, my friends certainly thought so. I sent it to Eddy, Alex, Emma (different from Patrick’s ex, Emily) and Hannah. Each of them gave some pretty interesting advice for both sides of the argument.

“I’d say he should probably tell her. It’ll hurt when she rejects him but it’ll be worth it to get rid of the feelings so they can continue as friends.” Emma was on the same wavelength I was. That was my original plan with Olivia, until I realised I didn’t want to face the hurt of rejection. “Thank you, that’s kinda what I was thinking too.”

Next up was Alex. I wouldn’t have asked him a year or two ago because he was just the worst with girls and women and love. But now he’s been in a relationship for close to a year and, I’ve got to admit, he’s pretty good at it. “He should probably tell her. Something might happen, something might not. Either way it gets it off his mind.” Same as what Emma said. Great.

Eddy was the first person to say that my character shouldn’t tell anyone and should just try to forget and move on. “If he never tells her, then there’s no risk to their friendship – which is what he cares about most, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then, yeah, he shouldn’t tell her and just get over it.” I mean, he had a good point but it’s so much easier said than done. So, so much easier. Still, this was sort of what I was leaning towards. I still am, to be honest.

Then, finally, came my ex-girlfriend, ex-best friend, Hannah. “Is this based off of us?” Was her first question. She wasn’t far off. It was initially based off of me and her, but now it was me and Olivia. It was only as I thought about that, that I realised how crazy it is this has happened to me twice. Who does this? Why can’t I just fancy someone I don’t know and I’m not friends with but is just as attractive as Olivia? That’d be so much easier for everyone. I’d still get rejected, no doubt, but I wouldn’t be losing anywhere near as much in the process.

“The scenario is – yes – but the people aren’t me and you.” Hannah took a second to respond. “Okay. So it doesn’t have to play out historically accurate?” I chuckled. I miss speaking to Hannah regularly. She’s really nice. “No, it doesn’t have to be historically accurate. Just should be tell her or not?”

“Not if he wants to keep her as his friend.” Seems obvious, right? No kidding. If he wants to keep her as his friend then he shouldn’t tell her about his feelings because then she might not be his friend but his girlfriend. And that definitely is one way to look at it. But, I knew, that is what Hannah meant. “Look, even if they get together. They’re in college. It’s a hectic time. It probably won’t last. If it doesn’t then it’ll go the same way ours did.” I don’t know why that hit me so hard but it did. “They’ll try to stay friends but whoever gets dumped won’t lose their feelings quick enough and they’ll slowly leave each other’s lives. They won’t be friends anymore. And that’s if she goes along with it. If she doesn’t feel the same and he tells her, sure, she might be polite and stick around but then there’s a mutual awkwardness from knowing that’s how he feels about her. Eventually, it’ll probably be a little too weird and she’ll slowly leave. Or he’ll slowly force her out. I’m sure you’ve seen that happen before.” I had, and she knew it. It happened with Patrick and Emily. Once they broke up, we tried to keep Emily around. She was a part of our group but we made nee group chats without her. At first it was to talk about her and give Patrick advice during their relationship, without her knowing, but after the breakup it just became the go to. Then the next thing I knew she wasn’t sitting with us anymore. That’s what Hannah meant, and she was dead right. 

There’s maybe a 10% chance of it going well if I tell Olivia how I feel. 10%. I don’t know if I want to gamble my best… my favourite friendship on such small numbers.