Adrien was not there when I showed up, because the place had cleared out. But Josh was there with a box of hot pizza and a two-liter bottle of coke, wearing a light blue shirt that read Moreau’s Body Shop over the breast and an expression that begged for my pity.

            I walked right past Josh and into the lobby, the door jingling when I opened it. The place was dark, but there was an Employees Only door at the back that was propped open, and beyond it I could see a strip of light coming from an office. That’s where I headed, making myself comfortable on the swivel chair behind Adrien’s desk. Adrien had a few framed pictures of his wife Petunia and son Hayden and one other of him with Josh, their sister Christine, and their parents. They all looked happy and comfortable with one another in their gaudy Christmas sweaters, and I had to knock the picture over because I didn’t like looking at it. Fuck Josh and his stupid perfect family.

            Josh slipped into the office and closed the door behind him. He dropped the pizza box on the desk, then a thin stack of paper plates.

            “This better not be Domino’s or some shit,” I muttered as I opened the box.

            “No, it’s a place called Pizza Palace down the street. If it were Domino’s the box would say so.”

            I grabbed a slice, slapped it down on a paper plate, and took a few bites while glaring at a poster of a muscle car on the wall. I was making a special effort to avoid looking at Josh, hoping to make him sweat in the way Rachel advised.

            “You look Goth,” Josh muttered.

            “What?”

            “Eyeshadow. Black clothes. Goth.”

            “Philistines don’t even know what a proper Goth looks like,” I muttered, swiping away some hair on my forehead. Josh snickered, and I finally faced him. “I’m going for more of a Beatnik look.”

            For a moment there was the usual levity between us, but then I remembered why we were here and I was pissed all over again. So I ripped a large bite out of my pizza slice and dropped it back onto my paper plate before twisting the chair around to face Josh fully.

            “Well?” I asked. “When were you going to tell me you were fucking Duncan?”
            Josh’s face turned a light shade of pink, and he looked down at his lap. “I was kinda hoping I’d never have to.”

            “Lovely.”

            “I was thinking it’d be a casual thing we did three times and then move on. Duncan didn’t strike me as the snitching type and I just… fuck, Justin, I’m sorry.”

            “I don’t believe you.”

            “That Duncan’s not the snitching type?”

            “No, that you’re sorry.”

            Josh ran an aggravated hand through his hair, which was already rucked up. Clearly he’d been frustrated by this before I showed up. “I am. This got totally out of control, and I should have had the balls to end it. I do want to make it clear that nothing happened with him and I while you two were hooking up. I’m not that morally bankrupt.”

            “How did any of this shit even happen? I didn’t realize you two were talking, let alone fucking.”

            Josh took a deep breath, and I prepared myself for his tale of woe. “It started out innocently. He friended me on Facebook, we chatted a little, I told him I really liked kids and he said I should stop by his parents’ house to help him babysit his niece. Apparently his sister has issues—”

            “Opiate addiction.”

            “Right. He told you that?”

            I nodded.

            “Okay, so she’s been in and out of rehab for a while now, and her parents are raising her daughter. They’re pretty rich and gone a lot, so they had a nanny, but that nanny quit and so Duncan and his other siblings were taking turns looking after Asel’s daughter. So anyway, I was at his house and Duncan’s a pretty terrible babysitter, so I pulled most of the weight. We didn’t do anything then, just talked and hung out. He must have told his parents about how good I was with Nuriya—Asel’s daughter—and so they called me and asked if I could come back and babysit her another time. And then it turned into a regular gig.”

            “You never told me this. If it was so innocent, why keep it from me?”

            “Because I didn’t want you to worry and think I was doing… what we eventually ended up doing.”

            I pursed my lips in disapproval. “Go on.”

            “So yeah, that was how Duncan and I hung out at first. I even met his sister Asel, who is nice, even if she’s got issues.”

            “So you’ve met his whole damn family.”

            “Well, not his other sister. Just his parents and Asel and his older brother.”

            “He has two sisters? And a brother?” Duncan had never told me any of this. What the ever-loving fuck.

            “His older siblings are kinda stuck up assholes, so I can see why he doesn’t talk about them much. Honestly, Asel’s been the nicest to me, and her daughter’s super cute.”

            Christ, Josh had moved himself right into the Shalamov household without much effort, all while I struggled to learn more than five things about Duncan beyond what kind of sex he liked. I had no idea how he pulled this kind of shit off, and my ire was reignited.

            “So how did the fucking happen?” I demanded.

            Josh’s bashful timidity returned. “Around… around the time you got together with Thad.”

            “So February.”

            Josh nodded, and he swallowed so loudly I could hear it. “Duncan initiated it.”

            “I believe that.” No way would Josh pull moves on Duncan. He didn’t have the self-confidence. “Why didn’t you tell him to piss off? You knew how much I’d liked him, Josh. Did that mean something to you?”

            “Of course it meant something to me! I knew he was totally off bounds because he was messing around with you, and I never thought I’d have a chance in hell anyway. This isn’t something I asked to happen. It’s just that… Duncan can be… persuasive.”

            Again, no doubt here. “So you were utterly helpless and without free fucking will.”

            “You know how Duncan can be.”

            I rolled my eyes. “He’s hot but he’s not a wizard.”

            “You were thirsting for him constantly for months even though he barely gave you scraps.”

            “Whoa, hey.” I straightened and trained my glare on Josh. “Don’t bring me into this. This whole interrogation is about you.”

            “I’m just—look. Justin, think for a second. You were obsessed with him, and you’re someone who can have whoever he wants. Can’t you possibly understand why it was hard for me to refuse?”

            “I cannot have everyone I want.”

            Josh’s gaze moved toward the ceiling, as if he were praying to God. “For one second can we not turn this into a discussion about how our situations are equal and how you and I are on the same playing field even though you’re skinny and gorgeous and could be a fucking model? I cannot deal with it right now.”

            “Oh, I’m sorry. Are we only allowed to feel sorry for Josh today? Josh, who slept with the guy I had a crush on for months?”

            “I’m—can you—ugh.” Josh pinched his nose a moment, squeezing his eyes shut. “Can you listen to me? Instead of just yelling?”

            “Listen to what? Listen to you make excuses for being a shitty friend?”

            “I’m trying to explain to you why I fucked up! But in order to do that there has to be some basic understanding of how this shit usually goes down for me. You are the utterly gorgeous southern California twink who screams sex appeal to any gay man within a twenty mile radius. And I am his funny, fat, sexless sidekick, according to every gay man within a twenty mile radius. That’s how it is. And you denying that shit constantly makes me feel like I don’t understand my own reality.”

            “Fat funny guys get laid all the fucking time.”

            “Really? Are you speaking from experience?”         

            “Feeling sorry for yourself is a bigger hindrance to your love life than being fat,” I shot back.

            Josh’s previous embarrassment had now morphed into righteous outrage. “Justin, I swear to fucking God—” Josh took a moment to cut himself off, close his eyes, and rethink. When he spoke again, his voice was slightly more controlled. “You also feel sorry for yourself, and I don’t see it stopping you from fucking around LA.”

            “What the hell does this have to do with you betraying me?”

            “Duncan came on to me in a way no one ever has,” Josh blurted. “I felt wanted and desired, and I’m sorry, but it felt really good. So I gave in. I did a shitty thing because for once someone who looked like him was interested in someone who looks like me. And I know you think my experiences are just something I believe in for funsies, but this is LA, the land of the beautiful and fit. Sure, if I still lived in Pittsburgh, people’s standards would be lower and I’d do fine. But this city is different. And even if people are interested in me, I’m not exactly the most confident person. The flirting stuff is your deal, not mine.”

            “Says the man who can make a friend anywhere.”

            “Making friends is easy. It doesn’t require they be sexually attracted to you.”

            “I think you make excuses.”

            “I think you are unwilling to listen to me about this shit.” Josh sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Look, I am sorry about this, but there are some things I don’t regret. I don’t see Duncan as boyfriend material or anything, but it’s been…” Josh paused, glancing at me. “It’s been a snapshot into what it’s like to be you, okay? And that is nice.”

            I pursed my lips with displeasure, then crossed my arms over my chest and glowered at a framed picture of Adrien and his father standing by some classic car located above Josh’s shoulder.

            “That said, Duncan is complicated, and it’s probably good that we won’t be seeing each other anymore. There were things about him I didn’t like, which I’m sure you’re familiar with.”

            “Did you two talk about me?” I couldn’t help but ask.

            “Not really. You’d come up from time to time and obviously I told him how guilty I felt considering you were my friend, but we did not sit around and gossip about you, no.”

            “Sure, I’ll just take your word on that.”

            “I’m serious. Duncan seemed to actively avoid the topic.” Josh plucked at his lower lip a moment. “He, uh, seemed to like you a lot, you know.”

            I wasn’t expecting to hear that, and it must have showed in my face, because Josh continued.

            “I’m pretty good at reading people, even people who don’t make it easy. I think a lot of Duncan’s bullshit is an act he puts on to keep people at a distance. It’s a self-protective measure, to keep from being vulnerable.”

            “What are you, his therapist?”

            “No, but I know from experience.” At this, Josh arched an eyebrow at me.

            “I don’t keep people at a distance,” I protested. “I’d say that’s the opposite of my problem.”

            “You did when we met. Don’t you remember acting all annoyed that first time we hung out, like I was wasting your time?”

            I hated it when Josh brought this shit up, because then I had to remember what I’d been like at eighteen—petty, angry, and petulant. It was a miracle Josh had wanted to spend time with me at all, but it was possible he felt bad for me, especially when he learned that I’d tried to kill myself. Josh had seen something in me no one else had, and I’d always been so grateful to him for sticking with me when I’d been utterly unworthy of his friendship.