The first thing they did with the money they made from selling off the warehouse loot—because they had, by some miracle, made it out with loot—was have a pizza party. It probably said a lot about the type of villainous group they were. 

It also probably said a lot about why their finances were as bad as they were.

Still, Tim figured they deserved to have a little celebration after managing to survive an encounter with Sparrow. They were all still in a state of semi-disbelief about that too. If it weren't for the news reporting on the whole ordeal, complete with a short interview with Sparrow, they would have thought it was all some stress induced dream. Penny nearly cried from sheer happiness when Sparrow vowed to catch them next time. 

“I have an archenemy!” she practically shrieked, nearly dropping her half eaten pizza as she jumped up from the couch. Her party hat was askew as she did a little dance in front of the television. 

While it wasn’t the type of behavior one would expect from a villain, in Penny’s case it was arguably justifiable. Especially because she’d always had a crush on Sparrow—which was supposed to be secret though everyone knew of Penny’s closet shrine of crushes—so Tim could only imagine the overjoyed screaming currently taking place in Penny’s mind. 

As much as Tim was enjoying it all, he couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen to him now. Or, more specifically, to his heroic alter-ego. With Sparrow’s vow to defeat Penny and the heroine’s own defeat at the hands of Penny, Tim didn’t really need to keep up the whole superhero farce. At least, that was what Tim though. 

Lina, it seemed, had a different idea. 

“Are you crazy? You have to keep acting like one of Penny’s enemies. Especially now that Sparrow is after us.” Clearly, Lina had a strong opinion about what the next step in the plan should be. 

“Why? If Sparrow is Penny’s new enemy then I don’t have anything else to do,” Tim said, still confused about why he should keep up the charade. 

“You can keep an eye on Sparrow. Make sure she doesn’t get too close to actually catching us. Maybe sabotage her. That kinda stuff,” Lina pointed out, as if she were just asking Tim to go to the store for some milk instead of asking him to sabotage someone who could toss him into the next state. 

That was probably why Tim laughed. It wasn’t so much that the situation was in any way funny. It was just that the plan was so ridiculous and possibly suicidal that Tim was feeling a bit hysterical. But just a bit. 

Maybe that was why Lina had waited until after their improvised celebration to talk to Tim in his room. At least if Tim freaked out he could do so in the privacy of his own room. Plus it’d be easier to get him to his bed if he passed out from sheer panic.

“You know, it’s funny that you think I can do anything to keep Sparrow from catching you all,” Tim said once he’d calmed down enough to be able to speak. “I can hardly deal with some shitty muggers, what makes you think I can stop a superpowered lady that can crush me like a soda can?” 

“I don’t know, you did pretty good at the warehouse,” Lina pointed out.

“I freaked out, froze, and only managed to toss an adhesive pellet,” Tim said dryly, because really, he’d done practically next to nothing. “As much as I appreciate your newfound faith in me, I really wish you’d come up with a plan that won’t get us all killed.”

Lina let out an irritated sigh and leaned back on the lone chair next to Tim’s small desk. There was a thoughtful look on her face, but Tim doubted she was thinking of a new plan. Most likely, Lina was just trying to come up with a way to get Tim to do what she wanted. 

Well too damn bad ‘cause I ain’t changing my mind on this, Tim thought rather resolutely, vowing to himself to not step out as a hero again.

Tim could have cried as he watched Alejandro and Lina drive away, while he stood on the cold streets in his superhero costume. If he listened closely, he swore he could hear Lina’s faint cackling. Not for the first time—and probably not the last—Tim wondered if Lina might not have made a better villain than Penny. 

Still, Tim had little choice than to keep playing the part of the hero in the hopes that Sparrow would show up. Apparently, part of Lina’s brilliant plan involved Tim bonding with the hero. How Tim would manage that he had no clue. Unfortunately for him, that hadn’t stopped Lina from dropping him off in the middle of the area Sparrow normally patrolled. 

Maybe this won’t be so bad. Maybe I won’t even run into her, Tim told himself, his own inner voice trying to sound cheerful. Tim should have known better. 

It took approximately an hour for Tim to run into Sparrow, even with him doing his best to avoid her. Much like the first time he met her, Tim nearly screamed. He seriously wished she wouldn’t be so damn stealthy because she’d end up giving Tim a heart attack at that rate. 

“Oh hey,” was all Sparrow had to say to get Tim’s heart to make an attempt at leaving his scrawny body. “Didn’t think I’d see you around here.” 

“Haha, yeah, I kinda just help out where I can,” Tim said, trying to play it cool while he held a hand to his chest like a scandalized old lady. At least Sparrow had the decency to not mention that. 

“Right,” Sparrow said, sounding very uncertain. The way she was looking at Tim made it clear she thought he was a weirdo. Again. Tim was already resigned to people having that opinion of him. “Well, if you ever need anything, I’m usually around. Maybe we can patrol together or something,” she offered, because clearly she was a better person than Tim would ever be. 

Sparrow left after that, and Tim was both glad to see her go and regretful that he hadn’t tried harder to bond or whatever the fuck else Lina had wanted him to do. He figured he could try again next time. Maybe he’d even take her up on her offer to patrol together because that sounded like something that would definitely help him survive.

Your confidence is admirable, Tim thought to himself. Apparently even he didn’t believe in himself. Maybe Tim wasn’t as stupid as he’d always thought. 

He still was starting to regret agreeing to the stupid plan.

Surprisingly, it only took about a week for them to get an invitation to the Annual Villain Jamboree. Penny was over the fucking moon when the invitation arrived. She actually pinned the thing to the bulletin board. Honestly, for a moment, Tim was afraid he’d lose his prized Employee of the Month spot to a flimsy piece of paper. 

Luckily for him, that didn’t happen, and so he still reigned supreme over the others. Something he only bragged about once in a while because he really was a humble person at heart. Tim ignored the small part of his mind that laughed at that. 

“Okay everyone, we might be invited to the jamboree, but the competition isn’t gonna be easy. We’re going to have to do our best if we want to win,” Penny was saying in what was clearly meant to be a motivational speech. All of the henchmen were gathered in the lounge while Penny did all that she could to hype them up. Tim held back a yawn and was pretty sure he could hear someone snoring. 

It was probably Susan. Goddamnit Susan.

“I’m not going to lie, it’ll be tough to beat the others,” Tim almost laughed at that because of-fucking-course it would be tough. “But I really think we have a good chance to win the whole thing and prove to my moth—uh, I mean, to prove to all of the other villains and their henchmen that we’re just as good as them!”

They really weren’t. 

“But to do that we’re going to have to train really hard,” Everyone perked up at that, mostly because no one had signed up for any training. Of course, no one had thought they’d even get invited, but that was beside the point. “Now, I don’t know what kind of challenges the contest will be made up of, but I do know some of the challenges that they’ve had in past years. So, with that information in mind I, along with some help from Eddie, have come up with a plan to get you all in shape!” 

Penny looked downright chipper as she told them all they’d be training while everyone just stared apprehensively as Eddie hurried over to Penny’s side. He started setting up some charts that looked about as fun as their supposed training would probably be. At least, Tim thought, it was still fun to see Eddie fumble with the oversized poster boards and eventually drop them. 

Tim did his best not to laugh, but then again he was evil, so it was really no surprise that he ended up snickering. 

“Er, anyway,” Penny said as she watched Eddie awkwardly continue his attempts to set up the visual aids of their little presentation. “I know you guys aren’t really into training. Or exercising. Or physical activity in general. . . .” 

There were many nods and mutterings of general assent at that. 

“But I’m sure we can make this all fun if we all work together! Besides, we’ll cut back on the heists since we managed to pull off the warehouse job, as long as you all cooperate with the training program,” she added the last part hastily, obviously trying to make it clear they had to at least try. 

Of course, in the end they all agreed because they didn’t really have another choice. Also, they kinda felt bad about always failing Penny. Besides, Tim doubted any training program Penny had come up with would be that bad. 

Tim definitely reconsidered that the next morning when he was awoken just before sunrise by Penny’s voice cheerfully telling everyone it was time to get up. The walls were shaking with how loud it was and it really was no surprise that several of them—including Tim, of course—ended up falling from the bed. All in all, it was not a good way to be woken up.

It also did nothing to build up morale. 

“This wasn’t in the brochure when I signed up for villainy,” Tim complained to Lina, Sam, and Alejandro as they all trudged outside. “Nowhere did it say I’d have to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to do group exercises for some jamboree.”

“I’m more concerned over what Penny’s making us wear. I mean, gray tracksuits? We look like middle schoolers,” Lina said with a scowl, pulling at the gray sweatshirt she was wearing. 

“Really? We’re out in the freezing morning to exercise and you’re worried about poor fashion choices?” Tim pointed out incredulously.

“Hey, fashion is very important in our profession. Remember that one villain from a few years back with the neon suit? No one took him seriously and he ended up having to retire, all because of his poor fashion choices.” 

“I can’t believe this is what my life has become,” Sam said with a tired tone leaking into her words as she blatantly ignored Tim and Lina. “I should have listened to my mom when she recommended hairdressing.”

Apparently, early morning exercises were all that was needed to make people reconsider their life choices. Tim could see how that might be the case.

“Good morning everyone!” Penny greeted them from a platform, dressed in her own black track suit, complete with hot pink sneakers. Her long, dark hair was tied into a ponytail to give the illusion she would be working out with them instead of simply shouting orders through the megaphone she was holding. “Today we’re going to start with some warm up exercises, so spread out. Make sure you all have enough room. Susan, you’re facing the wrong way, honey. There we go.”

Everyone lined up like a bunch of kids in P.E. class and Tim was having some seriously horrible flashbacks. He’d never been very good with athletics. That seemed to be the case for many of his fellow henchmen as a couple attempted to escape. 

“Seo-yun, I see you!” Lina said, directing Benny—who was spared from the whole thing thanks to his still healing leg—to shine a spotlight on the rebellious henchwoman who had almost made it back inside. Everyone watched as she trudged back to their ranks and Tim honestly felt for her. 

So close and yet so far.   

Many an attempt to escape were made that day. All of them failed because apparently Penny was better at keeping her lackeys in check than at actually being a villain. Tim wished that weren’t the case. Especially as he found himself running laps around the large warehouse that was their hideout. 

“This is seriously reinforcing my decision to leave,” he said, struggling to not pass out. Each breath hurt and his legs were already aching. Tim didn’t want to think about how he would feel the next day. 

“Not the time Tim!” Lina was struggling too. Honestly, they all were. 

It was kind of sad really. One would think a bunch of henchmen would be in better shape, but one would be wrong. Tim blamed all their pizza parties. 

The only joy to be had that day was the brief satisfaction they got when they flipped Benny off every time they passed by. Sure, Benny hadn’t asked to have his leg broken. But he sure was enjoying telling them to run faster or, “pump them arms!” 

If Tim’s shoe happened to slip off his foot and hit Benny on the head, it was purely by accident.

By the time their training was done, they were all ready to quit and lead normal lives as morally upstanding citizens if it meant never having to exercise again. Tim was glad that was already his plan. Even if, at the moment, all the other insanity taking place in his life was distracting him from that particular goal. 

“You all did great today!” Penny said as she stood before them, pretending her lackeys weren’t all on the verge of passing out from a simple morning run. “Now why don’t you all go freshen up before a healthy, balanced breakfast.”

The promise of food was enough to get them all to move. Even if it took a while. They were exhausted, thirsty, and absolutely starving. Maybe that was why their actual meal was such a let down. 

Penny’s balanced breakfast proved to be an egg-white and mushroom omelet, veggie sausage, whole wheat toast and a smoothie with spinach, green apple, and cucumber. Tim nearly cried. 

“Remind me why we don’t kill Penny,” Lina said, poking at the veggie sausage as if it were some dangerous beast.

“Because we love her and she loves us and only wants us all to be healthy?” Tim said, not really believing his own words. Lina didn’t seem very convinced either. “Because she’s the one who pays us?” 

“There we go,” Lina agreed. 

“I don’t think I can live like this,” Alex said from across the table. 

Eddie—poor, brave, stupid Eddie—actually took a sip of the smoothie. He turned about the same shade of green as the drink and almost flipped over the table in his hurry to make it to the bathroom before he threw up. Understandably, that did nothing to inspire confidence in the others.

“Come on guys, it’s not that bad,” Penny said once Eddie was gone. In a show of bravery, she took a bite of the omelet. There was a moment of silence as everyone watched expectantly. To her credit, Penny didn’t make a face of disgust. Neither did she puke or weep. She just swallowed the bite of food, stood, and promptly dumped the food.

They ended up ordering breakfast sandwiches that day.