He didn’t expect to see Bastian at the pub that Sunday. It had been… how many? Two days?

Behind the counter, Bastian was cleaning some glasses, keeping his eyes down.His eyes weren’t filled with the desperate sadness of the night he’d attempted suicide, but Revie could tell just how badly he didn't want to be there. 

Do you feel watched?, he wanted to ask him. Because Bastian was being watched and not just by him.

Since stepping into the pub, Revie had overheard people whispering about the guy who’d tried to kill himself. In a small town like Rainhill, rumors traveled fast. It was depressing and frustrating, Revie went through the gossip phase when he attempted, too.

He was sure that Bastian could hear some of them talking about it. A few times someone even walked to the counter to talk to him. A few times, customers even approached the bar to talk to him. Revie hoped they weren’t offering clumsy comfort that would only end up awkward and humiliating. 

“I want to ask him out”, he said, staring at Bastian from his table. Then he turned his head to Tania, his best friend, sitting across from him. She stopped sipping on her mojito and raised an eyebrow.

“The blond guy? Isn’t he that guy who… you know?”

“Yep”, he replied, pronouncing the word with an almost inappropriate softness. 

The guy who tried to kill himself, you can say that aloud.

Tania looked at him perplexed for a few seconds, swirling the straw in her glass. “Are you sure it's the best time? What if he’s straight?”

“He doesn’t look straight.”

“I don’t think you can tell that from his face”, she smiled.

“Wanna bet?”, he smirked.

“What do you even like about him?”, Tania asked, as she couldn’t see what attracted him - even though Bastian wasn’t bad looking.

He glanced at Tania, then back at Bastian. He finished his drink, thinking about an answer. He could have said he liked a lot about him, but it sounded too serious. How could he express that he got aroused after he imagined him covered in blood and fantasized about having sex with him, without sounding mentally unstable?

“I don’t know, he’s tall as fuck and has nice hair. Plus I bet his dick is huge.” Tania burst out laughing. The penis card always worked.

Actually, it was more than sexual attraction, at that point. Since Revie found out about Bastian’s attempt, something shifted inside him. Revie had only one serious relationship, with a guy, when he was in high school. But it ended quickly, after his father walked on them making out half naked in bed. 

He hadn't pursued anything serious since. He could barely remember what it felt like to actually want to get to know someone, to date them, without blocking them on social media after a few nights of fucking once he had enough of them.

Revie could brag about being an expert of casual hookups and avoiding emotional attachment. But the truth was that he had a sexual trauma and a consequent sex addiction.

There were periods in his life in which it was usual for him to have sex with one - or more - new people every day. It was exhausting dealing with a voice in his head insisting he had to fuck someone within two hours, or something really bad would have happened. 

Which made no sense, but he wasn’t always lucid enough to deal with the terror. 

Other times he just needed to prove himself he was desired and that people actually wanted him only for his body - his best quality.

Most of his sexual meetings weren’t even great. Most men complained when he refused to take off his shirt. He wasn’t surely going to let John XXL;) from Grindr see the cuts on his arms. 

Most of the time, he settled for whatever he could find online or in local gay bars. He lost count of how many times he found himself giving a hand job to a man old enough to be his father. 

And they always had something to say, ranging from creepy compliments like "You have gorgeous eyes" to annoying questions like "Why do you have so many piercings?"

Half of the time he didn’t even have an orgasm. The only constant was going home crying afterward, knowing he was going to do it all over again the day after. No matter how much it damaged him, sex was never enough. 

But he didn’t want that from Bastian. He didn’t want to give him a few hand jobs and disappear. He wanted to know him. He wanted to show Bastian how deeply their broken pieces matched, and he wanted Bastian to actually want him back. 

He wanted to take off his shirt to have sex with Bastian.