CHAPTER 2: Second Chance • As told by Mathias, a human
A penetrating yellow glow blinded me and I was engulfed by a beam of white light. The floor vanished beneath my feet and I felt like floating. I stopped perceiving my surroundings for what seemed an eternity.
And then, abruptly, the golden light subsided. I shook my head, confused, and looked around me.
I was not on the bridge anymore.
I was in a dark room. No, that’s not accurate. It was not dark, it was pitch black, and it was not a room, it was… well… nothing. An endless chasm of blackness.
I hesitantly took a few steps. The ground below me rippled like a shallow lake. I looked down and I saw my reflection, distorted.
I stood still. After a few moments, the floor became a perfectly clear mirror. I stared at myself. I was not disheveled, swollen from crying, nor covered in snow. My reflection was neat, healthy, nice even. I couldn’t remember the last time I had looked like that.
I raised my head. There was nothing above either.
“Where am I?” I thought, in awe. “What is this place?”
“You’re not here to ask,” echoed a voice, reverberating in my head. “You’re here to answer.”
Before I had time to overcome the impact of that mental message, a thousand more filled my head. Whispers, screams, weepings; the same questions were asked in a million different ways, but in a million different voices.
“Why? Why did you do it? Why did you jump? Why?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but no sound came out. I felt the familiar grief creeping up my throat. I couldn’t use my voice, so I answered in my head. Whoever was in there wanted answers, so I offered all I had. At once.
Nobody cares if I’m gone I want it all to STOP I’m a disappointment I wanna go with mom I’ve accomplished nothing There’s nothing left for me I’m scared all the time No rest No sleep It hurts all the time They don’t want me around I’m empty Mediocre Trash I’m alone I’m sad Useless I’ve got nobody NOBODY Mom’s dead Mia’s gone I’m undesirable Unfuckable A wuss A freak I’m a freak I’m broken I can't be fixed Nothing There’s no place in the world for me Nothing matters Nothing I don’t care I can’t care I’m numb So tired Breathing hurts I’m exhausted So tired Don’t wanna wake up to this anymore I have NO PURPOSE No purpose No purpose No purpose No purpose Meaningless I’m a burden to others To dad and my sister To Mia To Dana and Eli To my clients TO MYSELF My life is a burden It never gets better There’s no way out I can’t cope I don’t deserve anything I’m too weak to cope NUMB weak WEAK weak Please let it end PLEASE LET ME GO Please I need peace please I can’t PLEASE please please PLEASE please LET ME REST
I screamed that last plea in my head and then everything was silent. The weight of my own sorrow overwhelmed me again. I teared up.
Child of sorrow
There is no tomorrow
Your soul has forsaken your way
I heard the chant repeating itself over and over, faintly, all around me. I looked around, but saw no one.
I was alone.
As alone as I had ever been.
I felt I was drifting away. Becoming numb again. I gently abandoned the will of analyzing what the hell was going on right there and then.
I just… existed. I existed, pointlessly, stranded in that dark oblivion.
I felt someone hugging my back. I didn’t react at all. I did not feel their warmth. I only sensed their weight on me, and the pressure of their arms around my waist, light, ethereal almost, and I heard them sigh with a sadness I could not empathize with.
“Mathias, I need you to tell me something.”
I recognized his voice. The stranger from the bridge. The man that had saved me from the freedom I was seeking so desperately.
“What do you want?” I thought, absentmindedly.
“Was there ever a time when you were happy?”
I hesitated. I felt tired. Too tired to focus.
“Think about it,” insisted he, gently. “Try to remember. And give me your answer.”
I closed my eyes and searched for whatever memory could satisfy his request. I had nothing.
No. That was not true.
Oh. Yes. Yes, I had something. How could I forget?
“Yes,” I answered at last. “Yes, there was.”
“Show me.”
I tried to see the memory in my mind. It was a blur at first. For a few terrifying moments, I feared I would not be able to remember. But that was impossible.
How could I ever forget her?
As soon as I pictured her face, her expressions, her smile, she appeared before me in all her wonderful sunshine.
Almost like a movie, the memory played before me. It was flickering and hazy, but there she was, opening the heavy curtains in my apartment, to let the sun in.
“Wow, she’s pretty,” said the voice. I had completely forgotten he was there with me.
“She is,” I muttered, in a daze. She playfully turned to me in the memory and scolded me for keeping the room too dark. I soaked in her smile with a silent urgency I could not repress.
“Your very own little ray of sunshine,” added he.
“Yeah. She hated it when I called her that,” I sighed, choking on my words. God, I missed her. I missed her so much.
“Look how she laughs. That’s somethin’ all right. You must have been happy, uh?” he observed, tightening his grip around my waist.
“Yes. Happier than I ever was in my entire life.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Do you really remember how happy you were then?”
“Yes.”
I closed my eyes. I felt drained. I didn’t have the strenght to hold on to that memory anymore. The pain was too much for me to bear, even in that sort of trance that consumed me.
Child of sorrow, a path lies before you
Should you follow, I shall guide your steps
The chant began echoing in my head again. But this time, I felt it beating in my chest as well. It burned in my forehead, in my ears. It was taking over me.
The man released me and stood right before me. His green eyes flared with a strange light.
“Do you remember the warmth?” he asked, almost defiantly.
“I do.”
“Remember how you couldn’t wait for a new day to start?”
“Yes.”
He got closer to me and gazed right into my eyes.
“Do you want to feel like that again?”
“Yes.”
Child of sorrow, there is no tomorrow, your soul has forsaken your way
Child of sorrow, a path lies before you, should you follow, I shall guide your steps
The chant repeated itself, louder than ever, in whispers, in melody, in vibrations, in pulses. It swallowed me entirely, from my mind to my body. I felt each word tingling in my fingers, my stomach, on the tip of my tongue.
“Do you want your life back, Mathias?”
I trembled. My soul blurted the answer before I could even think about it.
“Yes.”
Child of sorrow, there is no tomorrow, your soul has forsaken your way
Child of sorrow, a path lies before you, should you follow, I shall guide your steps
Child of sorrow, seal the contract, the chance to be given is yours to take
Our eyes were locked. I could not look away. I could not free myself from his influence. Even if I could, I did not want to. He was awakening something deep within me that terrified me and gave me hope at the same time.
“I can give you another chance,” he whispered. “Will you take it?”
The chant stopped abruptly. The chamber fell under a spell of impenetrable silence. I could hear my heart racing in my chest.
The void awaited my answer.
Yes.
He smiled at me and nodded once.
“The chance has been given and taken,” he announced, getting closer to me. His words resonated in the darkness. I jolted back. We had been speaking with thoughts, the sudden ring of his high-pitched voice startled me.
I shook my head, confused, beginning to regain my senses.
“Let’s seal the contract and get this over with already,” he mumbled, reaching out to me. He looked uncomfortable.
I took a step back, but he held my head with both hands.
“What– what the hell are you doing–”
“I don’t like this any more than you do, trust me, but it’s standard procedure,” he groaned.
“Wait–”
Before I could add another word, he pulled me in and kissed me.
It was not romantic, not in the slightest. It was nothing I had ever felt before when kissing someone. He pushed his tightly closed lips against my mouth with so much reluctance I could feel he hated it as much as I did.
I felt a burning pang on the skin right below my left eye.
He let go of me and took a few steps backward, annoyed. A strange glow glistened right below his left eye.
Suddenly, a harsh wave of chilly wind hit me with full force. I covered my eyes to protect them from the gust, and when I opened them, I realized we were back at the bridge.
The freezing cold attacked me instantly. My teeth chattered and I braced myself.
“Sorry about that, buddy,” grumbled the stranger that had kissed some kind of contract into me. “It’s part of the process. So. Let me check where the seal is and– oh. Oh no.”
He noticed the glow below his left eye and rubbed it energetically.
“Oh, fuck, it’s here, isn’t it?” he asked me, urgently. The brightness faded to reveal two parallel moles right below the eyelid.
He got uncomfortably close again and scrutinized my face. I had two moles in that precise spot. I was feeling more and more freaked out by the second.
“Ugh, come on, why do all my protégés have birthmarks on their fucking faces?”
I didn’t answer. What could I possibly say? I began to feel dizzy. I begged mercy to the Universe. Please, let me faint and escape this bizarre nightmare.
He noticed my state and calmed down, looking a tad guilty.
“Ahem. Anyway. Let’s get back to business. Time to forget, buddy. We need to meet in a non-freaky way for this to work.”
I was unable to move. Unable to speak. The shock got the best of me. I couldn’t even react when he placed his right palm over my eyes.
His hand glistened with a warm, soft, golden radiance that blinded me gently.
“This will only take a few moments,” he said, clearing his throat. “Okay, now. CLEAN SLATE.”
The glow intensified. I felt its warmth reach every corner of my mind. Once he removed his hand, I blinked like an idiot. I felt terribly lightheaded and barely aware of myself and my surroundings.
He stared at me, took a few steps back, and snapped his fingers before my eyes a couple of times like a doctor testing the reflexes of a newborn. I didn’t dare to move. He must have thought that everything was good and proper, because he sighed, cracked his neck, and engaged in rapid conversation with the hummingbird that had just landed back on his shoulder.
“So, what do you say, Bird? Difficult one, uh? Don’t worry, I still have, like, 30 seconds before he reacts. He’s paused right now. So, what do you say? I couldn’t tell what he’s into, so… yeah, I think so too, let’s be ambiguous for a while until I figure him out. That means…”
He promptly removed his black vest and threw it over the parapet of the bridge. He was wearing a loose red shirt, so wrinkly it was almost impossible to detect the buttons. He had his hair tied up in a ponytail; he let it down so it would cover his shoulders. He finally took a deep breath, adopted a graceful demeanor, and stood before me. He had done virtually nothing to alter his appearance, and yet he looked like a completely different person. It was hands-down terrifying.
“Almost time, go hide, Bird,” he said, hastily. The hummingbird took flight and vanished in thin air. “Okay. Five, four, three, two, one… WAKE UP.”
He snapped his fingers before me. I made no noise, didn’t move an inch. I just blinked, flabbergasted.
He walked towards me, smiling charmingly, with a hint of polite concern. He stopped a few steps away from me and waved timidly.
“Hi! Uhm… sorry, I don’t mean to bother you, but… are you okay? You look ill.”
I just stared at him. What was he playing at? Was he pretending to just meet me? His strident voice was now mellow and sweet.
“Goodness, you are not wearing any shoes! You must be freezing. Listen, there’s a coffee place right across the bridge, why don’t we go there for now? You need to drink something hot.”
When he still got no reaction out of me, I could tell he was beginning to get nervous. He got closer and carefully placed a hand on my arm.
“The cold’s done a number on you, poor thing. Come on. I’ll take you someplace warm. What’s your name? You can call me G, by the way, I–”
I finally snapped. I yanked my arm away and got away from him until my back hit the parapet of the bridge.
“What the fuck is going on?!” I yelled, out of it. “Who– What the hell are you? What was that in the dark place? How come– what– what are you?!”
He flinched, greatly alarmed. He stuttered, stayed silent for a few moments, and then stuttered some more. The hummingbird popped out of thin air and perched on his shoulder.
“I– I am– uh– I am– wait, you… you remember?”
“Of course I remember! What is this? What are you?”
“I– I am... G?” he mumbled, fidgeting. I was so dizzy my eyesight began to darken.
“G, what– who… I don’t feel so good,” I muttered, about to be sick.
I closed my eyes and grabbed my head. My legs were weak. I felt queasy, on my way to blackout.
“Fuck, kid, let's take you somewhere safe, okay?” G shrieked, holding me in his arms and staring nervously at both sides of the bridge.
I feebly yanked away from him.
“Don't– don't touch me. Stay away from me, you freak,” I managed to say, without much authority.
“Hey, listen. I'm not gonna hurt you. I mean no harm,” I glared at him, trying to be as threatening as possible, but I don’t think I succeeded. Even if I did, he wouldn’t have noticed. People were starting to cross the bridge. “Trust me, please, I'm here to help you. But we need to get out of this damn bridge first. Please. It's cold as balls, you're half-naked and about to puke. Someone’s bound to call the cops.”
I gave in. I simply had no strength to resist anymore.
“Fine,” I conceded, defeated.
“Can you walk if you lean on me?”
“I think so.”
“Is your place close?”
“Yeah.”
“Great. Lead the way.”
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