I was sure I could not talk to my dad on the phone; that would be far too weird. But even emailing him back seemed impossible, because now that my initial anger had dissipated, I wasn’t sure what to say. Twenty-three years seemed like too much of a gap to bridge. I had too many questions and too many grievances to just settle on one, or even five.

            So instead of emailing him back, I finally decided to take Thad’s advice and sleep on it. But unlike anger, the confusion hadn’t faded, and my feelings felt too jumbled to sort out. I wanted to talk to my mom about this, but I was afraid of what she’d say once I told her I’d reached out to Kent. She was always dismissive of the topic, as if she didn’t want to pique my curiosity in any way. She’d made it quite clear before that my dad had been an irresponsible drunk who’d had no interest in parenting a child and that I’d benefitted from having him out of my life. But how could she determine that for me? He was my dad, even if he’d only been her lousy ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t like she’d chosen a husband who was much better. Sure, Stupid Gary provided for his family and all that patriarchal bullshit, but even as a kid I thought he resented my presence. He’d told my mother that I’d probably gotten my “behavioral issues” from the Fisher side, something he felt comfortable saying in front of me because he was such a huge douche.

            This all felt too big and too scary, so instead I tried to ignore that it ever happened. I didn’t answer Kent’s email, and I tried to move on with my life in the next week. Still, I was distracted at work, and I was suddenly Googling other people’s stories about reconnecting with long-lost parents. Sometimes it went well, other times it did not. I even came across a story of a woman who started dating her dad because apparently Genetic Sexual Attraction was a real thing.

            Fuck, what if I I met my dad and was sexually attracted to him? Lord help me I was already a deviant, I didn’t need to add incest to my list of sins. I pulled out my phone and texted Thad.

            There are a not-insignificant # of people out there who meet their bio parent and start fucking them. It’s called Genetic Sexual Attraction.

            Thad’s answer came swiftly. Are you seriously worried about being attracted to your dad??????

            WHAT IF IT HAPPENS THO????? I texted back.

            Maybe focus on talking to him first? Thad responded, ever the practical one. He was right, I was getting myself upset over something incredibly stupid. I should worry more about answering my dad’s damn email than worrying about fucking incest. Maybe it was because I saw too much weird porn at work. Shelby had even shown me a video claiming to be a dad and son fucking and they were so obviously not related that we had a laugh over it. My work life was so strange.

            I could have procrastinated another month if it had been up to me, but thankfully it wasn’t. Kent sent me another email about a week later, one that took me twenty minutes worth of pacing my room in order to get the courage to open. Finally, I took the plunge and clicked on it.

            This is the last email I’ll send because I don’t want to bother you if you want nothing to do with me, but Zahra and I talked it over a few nights ago. If you have any interest in meeting up, we would be willing to pay for your flight up here to Montana. If nothing else, you should be able to meet your brother Charlie. He loves meeting new people.

            Let me know.

            Kent

            Well, fuck.