Observation: Day 287

The seductresses tend to have dramatic mood swings when off set. Beyond any normal females swings, theses women will tear the world apart if not intercepted before their swing is handled with proper medication. Administering 250 mL of REDACTED Recording ends. 

They thought I was dead for a solid hour before whatever he did to me wore off. My dad said nothing. Emotions aren’t the spies’ strongsuite. At least on our side. No, the moment I start blinking and my heart starts pumping again, he asks me what the hell went wrong.

And what the hell the readings were telling him. They had done multiple tests, and all of them came back with one thing: very high levels of adrenaline. Even for a women of my age and employment. 

We are never suppose to feel fear, the job I was sent to do was done swiftly and clean, so that ment one thing to them: I was doing something I shouldn't have been. 

“Who was it!” my dad demands the moment we walk into my dorm. My roommate must be off at midnight training. He wouldn’t have cared if she saw him reprimanding me, but I’d rather her still see me as a cool kid and not some delinquent.

“Why does it have to be a who?” my voice is timid, as it always is when dad yells. It was a reflex I learned from years of misbehaving and causing too many misunderstandings. The quieter and more timid I am, the less I cause trouble. 

“Because we found you on the ground, dd pumping through you, a threat to us and to your integrity written on your back, and extremely high levels of adrenaline pumping through you even after the drug wore off. To me that sounds like a seductress hit.'' I say nothing. What he was implying was only half true, but it was enough that if he came out to anyone about it I’d be reprimanded. I've been reprimanded only once.

The scars all over my body and in places you can’t see still cause pain. The surem I was born with running through my veins refuses to let the scars be seen, but it can't seem to heal internal pain like that any quicker than a dying, regular citizen.

“Listen. I feel down that hole before. It messed my life up for a very long time. If you fall down that same hole…” yes. Because I was a mistake to him and my mother. My mother was a mistake. Never is it his fault. 

And the government forgiving him doesn't extend to me. That's what he's implying. If I do what he did even for a moment, no matter how good I am at my job, they’d lock me up. Let the world have its way with me. Let scientists dissect me, figure my whole being out.

I'd never see the sun again. Not that I do that a lot anyways. 

“What did he write?” my voice is a whisper. My dad heard me though. My hand moves to my bare shoulder as I wait for his answer.

“Look at your doll. She’s been bad, but she doesn’t seem to mind a villains touch’ with quotations around villain. You said he?” I thought I hated being called doll. But knowing Lucian wrote it, I don’t know. Every older men who's ever trained me called me doll. And it’d make me sick. 

He really is trying to get me killed. The question is does he know that? Does he know that this could have sentenced me to death?

I regain my composure and lock eyes with my dad. 

“He. yes. It's a man called Lucian Tali’es. He works for the others.” We are never told what they’re group is called. They’re always just the ‘others’. 

My dads face is analyizing what I just told him, and without another word he leaves to talk to his superiors. 

I may have just sealed my and Lucians death by telling him, but the one  thing spies have that seductresses don’t is a masterful lie detector. 

Yes. if I had lied I would already be walking to my death. 

I’m left alone in my room and finally I let down only some of the walls I had up. I can never really let them all down in the rooms. They're always watching. But the adrenaline still hasn't worn off totally and it turned into fear of the leaders around our organization. 

What Lucian said came back to me as I sat on my bed. How we really weren't free, how we lived like nuns and that so much is forbidden to us. Things he and I both know are wanted, and are sometimes needed for people. He knows desires and forbidden thoughts are what we all crave growing up here. 

And the worst thing to me is the fact hes not even ment to know those things as a spy for the others. Hes supose to be cold and calculating, like my father. 

How my mother fell in love with him I have no idea.