Repremanding: it is to be used when corruption is detected in a subject. They are to be taken with as little fuss as possible, this entailing examples such as: taking them early or late at night as to not be seen, high levels of tranquilizers to keep them quiet and subdued, and even anexing them from theyre groups. Then they are to be reprimanded as to wash the corruption away. 

Successful options: waterboarding paired with the truths of the others, seclusion, restraining, etc. 

I never dream when they give me tranquilizers. I don't want to dream tonight anyways. I'm done. I just want to go numb again. 

I don’t know why I can’t let this fucking run in go. 

I know its his job and fucking birthright to get into my damn head. Every one of us and every one of them know it. 

I wonder what hes thinking right now. He got out, left me paralized. 

But if there's anything in this world I'm a pro at, it's seduction. Even love to an extent, though some say what I do is lust. If it was, I wouldnt be doing it. Our side doesn’t fuck to get what we want. 

He wanted me to. Same way I did, from how he reacted to me. We reacted to each other like regular people in our situation. 

That's why I can't let it go. For once since I was born, I felt just like a “normal” highschool student. I felt like what I’ve seen from others my age who got taken in. 

I want it again. I want to do what he said. Stay up late reading what I want, watching tv, getting coffee at a starbucks close. 

I’ve never walked into one, believe it or not. I’ve never had to for a mission. We have coffee in the cafeteria, and most of us get at least one cup a day. But I’ve heard it's not the same as going out to your favorite spot in town. 

Maybe a date would be nice. I don't know the first thing about them, I've never been sent on one. The older seductresses get those jobs. 

Maybe go to a nice little shop with street food in hand? Holding hands, curling up to eachother when the sun goes down.

As I feel myself waking up, I toss these thoughts about dating and specifically dating Lucian out and to the dark recesses of my mind. 

And when I wake up, I’m back in my little dorm room. Alone, of course. I look at my watch to see it's already 11 am, long past morning training and breakfast. If I wanted I could go to the team brunch with everyone who was there last night, and maybe I will. But I lay in my bed for just a little bit longer. The thoughts are back. They're going to be there all day and I can't let anyone see that I'm distracted or dazed. 

I am both a poster child and a disgrace to everyone here. The perfect thing that could come out of a terrible mistake. 

But I was still, in everyones eyes, a mistake. 

I grab clothes and walk to the shower, turning the dial an waiting to see hot steam rise as I brush my hair and undress. 

There are no flaws to my body. No flaws to anything about me. I am the perfect little fit model. A poster child. 

I step in and let the water burn my skin. The shock lets me know I'm still at least a little human. There is no middle ground for me, either too hot or too cold for that reason. Something, anything to remind me that I can feel and that I'm not an animal or machine. 

Let me know that I am fundamentally good. Only good people can truely feel like I do. We may hide our emotions but we feel. Some of us have family we go back to. 

Some of us this is our family. Most of us actually. 

I watch black ink stream down my legs from my back. The words that he had written, said in my fathers voice, repeated in my head while I washed up.

I scrub my back as hard as I can, rubbing it raw in some spots just to get it off.  

After a few minutes I dry off. My hands rest on a few of the places he touched me last night. Places I wish he touched me last night. I let my mind wander back to that night only for a moment before I throw the towel to the side. A cute mauve fitness set sits on the counter of the vanity. Cute and soft, if it weren't for the fact I didn't choose it. I'd rather be in a baggy hoodie today. 

I was violated and this is how they want me to react. Just move on and run around in form fitting clothing. 

Clothing that makes it evident to what I am used for. 

I step out of my dorm, and start a stroll that as I roam the halls, becomes a run once the drowsiness  lets up. 

I've been told that I work the tranquilizer off quicker than my peers. I think it's just because I prefer to run and move over sitting on my couch all day. Flesh it from my system. 

I can't help but wonder if it's a red flag to others. That I can't be held down as easy as the others they employ can.