When I sat down, as if on cue, the water in my bowl rippled. Putting on my best fake customer service smile, I said, “Thank you for calling customer service. How can I help you?”

On the other side of the portal, there was a man with fresh blood running down his face from his closed left eye. Behind him was a town on fire and screams of bloody murder echoed in the back. There were hordes of Goblins rampaging all throughout the houses behind him. Somebody was clearly having an even worse day than me. 

“You know how you can help; make sure the wands your company sells actually work!” the man said, panting. 

“I apologize, sir. Can you give me some more details about your frustrations, then I can take the appropriate steps to resolve your issue?”

“I’m frustrated I spent 1,000 gold on this piece of junk. The village hired me to stop the goblin attack raging behind me. As you can see, I did a phenomenal job thanks to the help of your crappy wand! One of those beasts shot my eye out with an arrow!” 

Oh man, is that Goblin drinking out of someone’s skull? Note to self: never hire this guy. “I apologize for the inconvenience, sir; can I just have some information on the product? Which wand did you buy?” 

“I got the Goblin Exploder 9000. Also, you should know, that is a terrible name for this piece of junk because not a single Goblin exploded in the making of this chaos!” He said, waving the wand in front of the portal. 

“I agree. The name is ridiculous. But can you do me a favor and hold the wand closer to the portal so I can take a better look at it?” I said. Examining the wand, I found the problem. “Uh sir, you still have the safety on.”

“What do you mean?” 

“You see that little switch by your thumb? flick that, and the little light near the switch will turn green. Okay, now point the wand at that goblin over there eating the horse and pour some magic into it.” As soon as he did, the goblin and the horse exploded. 

The obliterated goblin’s scream brought the chaos to a standstill. The goblin’s attention shifted from the helpless villagers to the one eyed wizard. They started to growl and snarl, then rushed over to avenge their obliterated friend. “Oh god, what do I do? They’re coming after me! They’re going to kill me!” 

“Please shoot them, sir,” I said. Without hesitation, he blew up every goblin in sight. Whether they were on horseback or towered over him like a castle. They all spontaneously combusted when he pointed his wand at them. 

I have to say; he impressed me with how he handled the situation. He was slowly overpowering hordes of green potbelly monsters with only one working eye. Note to self: he’s back on the payroll. “Well, congratulations sir, you saved the village or what’s left of it.” 

The wizard turned around panting with the burning village and Goblin massacre behind him. “Why is there a safety on this thing?!” 

“That’s a good question. You see, that wand is very sensitive to magic. Even a small child with little magical talent could turn a village into something like the hellscape behind you. So, we recalled the wand and placed a safety on it to prevent any further unwanted destruction.” 

“The seller should have told me about this when I bought the thing!” He said, flicking his wrist with the wand. The simple motion sent an explosion, destroying three houses behind him. There were some blood-curdling screams from villagers inside the house.

“Please be careful. Like I said before, it is very sensitive to the slightest magic.” 

The man looked down and put the safety back on. “You know what? I’m tired of talking to you; Where’s your manager!”