My trip to the lawyer’s office effectively ruined my day. There was no way I could focus at work so I asked my boss for the day off. I didn’t drive right back to the apartment afterward, letting James go there by himself. At that point, I couldn’t exactly care if he was there by himself or not. He owned half of it as confirmed by the lawyer, so there was no point in me fighting that. I just had to deal with it.

I took a drive, needing some air and some space. Everything was so sudden, so confusing. I would be living with another man again, and I didn’t know how to feel about that. I had grown used to being alone, but I missed being with someone. No one truly loved isolation. They were lying to themselves.

Eventually evening came, I grew tired of driving and retreated back to the apartment, my feet dragging. I didn’t want to face the intruder right now, but did I have a choice? I was stuck, and I couldn’t bring myself to get a new place. This was my home.

I walked into the apartment slowly, my eyes sweeping over the interior to try to locate James. I heard clanking from the kitchen, prompting me to head that way and spot James chopping lettuce on the kitchen counter next to the stove. I didn’t want to admit it, but whatever he was cooking smelled delicious.

“Oh, hey. I was wondering where you were at,” James said as he looked over his shoulder at me, flashing me a warm smile.

“Just went for a drive,” I replied. Unable to help myself, I looked into the oven to see what he was making. A large pan of lasagna was inside, and my stomach automatically growled. Admittedly, he was a great cook.

“Lasagna should be done soon. I’m just making a side salad real quick,” James told me, acting friendly and casual like earlier didn’t even happen. He hummed beneath his breath as he scooped the cut lettuce into a glass bowl.

My eyes swept over him, my heart aching when I noticed that he was wearing his boxers and a tank top under an apron that was tied around his waist. So many memories of me and Benji flooded into my mind. I remembered putting my arms around his waist from behind as he cooked. I remembered smelling the sweet scent of his hair. I remembered his lips on mine, curled up in a smile.

Before I knew it, tears filled my eyes and then broke free, streaking down my cheeks uncontrollably. I tried to wipe them away before James could see, but uncontrollable sobs broke from me. All of the stress and frustration that I felt lately clashed with my grief, splitting my heart down the middle.

James was by my side in a flash, immediately wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug before carefully lowering me down to the ground. He rubbed my back gently.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me, sounding genuinely concerned for me.

I didn’t understand why he suddenly seemed to care. I wanted to scream at him that he was the problem. But was he really, or was I just trying to find a reason to blame someone for everything that happened to me? And that perhaps I was still not over Benji's death like I deluded myself I was,  with my routines and schedules to avoid dealing with my grief. I didn’t understand anything. This situation. My feelings. Him.

“I shouldn’t miss him… I shouldn’t. But I do. Every time I see you, I see him,” I admitted.

James frowned as he peered at me. He reached forward and gently wiped a few tears away.

“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I know I’ve crashed into your life, but I came here for a reason other than the assets, Greg,” he told me.

My curiosity broke through my grief as I gave him a confused look.

“What other reason?” I asked him. I couldn’t think of a possible other reason for him to be here.

James sighed as he moved his hand to rest high up on my back.

“You didn’t know about me, but I knew about you,” he admitted. “I had been in touch with Benji from time to time, and he told me about you. How kind you were. How hardworking. How handsome.”

I felt my face burn slightly as he spoke to me. I had no idea that he knew about me before coming here. I wished that Benji had told me about James so that this wasn’t so blindsiding, but I was sure that he had his reasons.

“When I found out that Benji died, I thought of you. I knew that you had to be grieving, and I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t think that you should be alone,” James said, his fingertips grazing my spine through the thin material of my shirt. “I know I’m late, but I had to be here. I’m sorry about the mess I made coming here. I really just wanted to help and to have a piece of my brother.”

Then he went on to explain why he wouldn't leave despite my numerous requests. He said he wanted to be certain with his very own eyes that I was okay, and so far I had failed to convince him I was in a better place. There was no way he was going to leave me by myself.

I was speechless at first as I processed everything he just told me. He sounded completely candid, pouring his truth out to me, and I found myself believing him.

“You only knew me through what Benji told you, and you still decided to come all the way out here to be with me?” I asked him.

James nodded as his eyes met mine.

“He spoke so highly of you, and it sounded like you guys were really in love,” he said.

I lowered my eyes and sighed.

“Yeah, we were. Well, I thought so,” I murmured.

James brushed his hand up, his fingertips trailing up the back of my neck to nearly make me shiver.

“Why do you say that?” he asked.

“He was with… a woman when he crashed. He was having an affair,” I told him. I didn’t want to change his view of his brother. That wasn’t what I was trying to do, but I wanted him to know the truth. I wanted him to know why it was hard to look at him at times, but it was starting to get easier and easier to differentiate him, to feel separate feelings toward him.

Right now, I appreciated his honesty and his kindness. I lashed out at him first, and he defended himself. I faulted him for that, continuing to light a fire under him and try to smoke him out. He stayed out of sheer determination because of his initial goal of coming here. I had to give him props for that.

“I’m so sorry, Greg,” James said quietly, shaking his head. “Really. You didn’t deserve that.”

I shrugged, wanting to move on from the past. I thought James would make that impossible, but maybe things would get easier at some point. Maybe we could get along.

“I just… want to move forward,” I replied before hearing the oven go off. “I think a good start is eating that lasagna. It smells delicious."

James cracked a smile and got to his feet. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up, overestimating his strength and pulling me too hard. Our bodies bumped together, coaxing shy laughs from both of us.

“I’ll get dinner ready,” he said before turning to grab the lasagna out of the oven.

We quietly ate dinner, but it was a comfortable silence. We exchanged looks and faint smiles. For the first time in a minute, I felt somewhat at peace. We needed to talk, to learn more about each other.

After dinner, I decided to do my best and get back on my schedule. I missed my evening run, so I decided to make it up now and head out for a walk instead. It was refreshing and good for me to clear my head. I didn’t feel upset about going back home any longer. If James wanted to talk more, I would be okay with that.

However, James was engrossed in a movie playing in the living room when I got back. I didn’t want to bother him, so I took a shower and decided to rest a bit in the bed till James was done with his movie. I didn't want to interrupt him by asking him to stop. Plus, I was exhausted after a long day. At least it ended better than it started.