I’m currently on my way to a bodybuilding show that I’ve been preparing for since the start of the year. It’s the culmination of all my hard work and discipline, and the first ever show I’ll attend.

Normally, one would be happy in such a situation, even if a little nervous. That’s not the case for me, however. I’ve never been this angry in my entire life, I never felt so much resentment, and my chest and head are hurting like crazy. I feel like I can explode at any time.

Let me give you some context: I’m a 24-year-old Brazilian bodybuilder (or I’m going to be, since it’s my first show), I’m still living with my mom, not because I’m a neet, but because all the money my shitty job grants me goes straight into steroids, massive amounts of food, and supplements.

Until yesterday it also went into all the typical expenses one has when dating and hanging out with friends. I guess I’ll have some extra cash from now on, though, because my girlfriend of 8 years just broke up with me, and all my friends acted like sissies and sided with her.

But it doesn’t matter, I don’t need anyone, I prepared for this show without anyone’s help, and I can live the rest of my life like that… Well, I still need my mother, I should start treating her better from now on…

Goddamnit who am I kidding? I hate this feeling, even though I’ve been alone and abandoned so many times, it never hurts any less. I should be stronger by now.

Shit, I can’t be thinking about that, I need to focus on the show, that’s what matters… even if no one I know will be there to see me… 

Shit, SHIT. Stop thinking about it already, who cares if no one will come to the show? You didn’t work hard for them, you worked hard for yourself and for the trophy. Besides, your mother would be there if she weren’t so sick, so it’s just a misfortune, no need to get all emotional.

What are you acting all weak and pathetic for? Turn all that rejection into hatred like you always have!

But still… It makes me wonder, when has this all started? I feel like I’ve always been alone or with very few friends, always isolating myself from people around me and only ever interacting with a handful of acquaintances. I even distanced myself from all my family members… But it hasn’t always been like that, I was once the popular kid, even if it feels like ages ago.

When did I start to drive everyone away?

If I had to guess, it had to be around when I was 14. All my friends left the high school I was at, and being a fat awkward kid, I couldn’t keep up and make new friends when everyone stopped being interested in videogames and suddenly started talking about girls and dating.

To be honest I feared women back then, and when the new metric for popularity changed from “being funny” to “how many girls you’ve kissed” I stopped being the center of attention and started to isolate myself more and more, relying on my computer and anime to make up for the social interaction I no longer had.

Also, porn… I got into some pretty fucked up doujins and eroge at the height of my addiction.

I wasn’t ugly, but thinking about it now, my good looks didn’t help my confidence one bit, they just served to give me a distorted ego that contrasted heavily with my insecurities about my weight and lack of experience with women.

My grades also weren’t bad, but that was around the time when I started to lose all remaining interest in studying. Just listening to classes and playing videogames all day wasn’t cutting it anymore, and my grades gradually started to get mediocre.

Heh, I remember I used to think I was such a genius, that I didn’t need to study because I was so much smarter than everyone. Now I know that no amount of intellect can compensate for that kind of neglect, if you don’t study, not even a little bit, there’s no way to get ahead of everyone else.

Its ok though, I’m happily trading brain cells for muscle, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was supposed to be a gifted child, but if having 20-inch arms isn’t a gift, I don’t know what is.

Now that I think about it… I’m not at rock bottom, am I?