When we got back to Sackville things very quickly returned to normal. My friends would come over to my house, we'd play video games, talk, laugh, and smoke, and eventually the puberty games would start. More and more I was watching these games and wishing I could participate, but I was not thinking about going into the closet with Amber, Stacy, or Michelle. Instead I was fantasizing about going in there with Aiden, Ian, or Brian. It was agonizing. While they were having fun and being carefree and normal I was alone inside my head, wishing like hell I could be like them, but knowing instead that I would be alone forever.

Shortly before the start of the school year Aiden's family moved into a basement apartment in a house right on the shore of First Lake. The landlords lived in the upper two levels and had turned the lower two into an apartment. The lot sloped away sharply toward the lake, so the basement entrance was at ground level behind the house. The living room, kitchen, master bedroom, and second bedroom were on the bottom level with all the windows facing the back yard, while Aiden's bedroom and the bathroom were up a flight of stairs. Aiden's window faced onto the street, looking out over the roof of the front part of the house. Aiden's moving there turned out to be extremely convenient for us, because we could now collect up the beer bottles and put them in his shed until we could cash them in. I would often spend Friday and Saturday night at his place so we could hit the lake early.

Junior High was a whole new world to me. I was used to being one of the older kids, being in grade six, but now I was one of the younger ones, along with the other grade 7's. The guys in grades 8 and 9 looked a whole lot more mature than I was used to! It was a window shopper's paradise! Unfortunately window shopping was all I could do, as I did not dare outwardly express any interest in any of these new guys. 

Aiden and I were becoming very close, and I was actually starting to develop a bit of a crush on him. I was honestly hoping that the feelings went both ways. Sometimes, when I looked at him I'd catch him looking at me, and he'd promptly blush and look away. Other times he'd look at me and catch me looking at him, and I'd look away (though I always made it a point to linger just a moment). I was spending nearly every weekend at his house by now. His mother was often working and his six year old brother, Richie, was content to sit in front of the living room TV set and watch cartoons. Aiden and I would stay in his bedroom and play video games on his portable TV. We were just two normal friends doing normal stuff until, suddenly, one night we weren't.

I will remember that night for as long as I live. December 30, 1984. I had just celebrated my 13th birthday on the 26th . We were on Christmas break and Aiden wanted me to spend the night at his house. His mother would be working that night so he had to look after his younger brother Richie. We'd stay up and watch movies on his new VCR all night. When I got there his mom was still home and she ordered us pizza. As she was getting ready to leave we ate the pizza, popped in the first movie (Police Academy), and sat down on the couch. We all laughed our heads off through the whole film.

After the movie was over Aiden sent Richie to bed and we popped in the next movie: Beverley Hills Cop. With Richie in bed we were free to smoke, and Aiden even sneaked a beer from the fridge. The movie progressed, we smoked more smokes, and Aiden finished his beer and went and grabbed another. Finally Beverley Hills Cop ended, so he popped the final flick in: The Karate Kid.

During the "Wax on, Wax Off" scene, Aiden said "Yeah, I'll bet Daniel-san whacks off all the time!" and we both laughed like idiots. I was thinking it was just the beer talking, when toward the end of the show, during the big fight scene, he drops a bombshell: "That Daniel-san is so pretty."

My heart stopped. "Uh, what?"

Aiden quickly but lamely recovered: "I mean he's just such a pretty-boy. Don't you just want to smack him?"

I was looking at Aiden quizzically, trying to figure out exactly what he was getting at. I decided to go with a euphemism, hoping its subtlety wasn't lost.

"Yeah, I'd smack him, for sure. I'd smack the hell out of his pretty face".

Aiden laughed, took another swig of his beer, and we finished watching the movie.

As the credits rolled he got up and swayed a little (could those three beer have really gotten him drunk?) and stopped the tape. "Bedtime", he said, and started heading up the stairs to his bedroom. I got up and followed. Whenever I spent the night there before I would sleep on an inflatable mattress on the floor of his room. When we went into the room he headed straight for his bed and jumped in. The inflatable mattress was nowhere to be found.

"Where's the mattress?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't feel like digging that out. You can sleep here in the bed with me tonight."

I hesitated. He added, "We can leave our clothes on so it won't be weird".

"Ok", I said. Truthfully, I was OK with "weird", but hey, small victories. I climbed into the bed fully clothed along side him, he reached over and turned off the lamp, and I just laid there on my back staring at the ceiling, thinking. Hoping. Even with the light out it was still fairly bright in the room, thanks to the Christmas lights in the window.

Aiden tossed and turned for a few minutes and then became still. I was lying there longing to touch him, when suddenly he jumped up out of bed and said "Nope. Can't do it. I can't sleep with my clothes on".

He then promptly stripped to his underwear. I watched this with extreme interest, with my eyes squinted so they looked closed. When his pants came off I got a very good look at his crotch, and it looked even more appealing than it did back in the early days when he'd show it to everyone. He then walked over to the bed, stood next to it looking at me for a second as if he wanted to say something, then sighed and climbed in. I was laying there perfectly still, trying to pretend to be asleep, but I'm sure Aiden must have been able to hear my heart beating, because it was doing a Neil Peart-worthy drum solo in my chest. We lay there side by side for a few more minutes, me absolutely terrified to move, when Aiden says "You know, you don't have to sleep with your clothes on either".

Every trace of moisture left my mouth. My heart was doing back flips in my chest. Surely this was some kind of joke? My mind wanted to pretend I was sleeping and didn't hear him. My heart and my crotch had other plans, though, and the two of them conspired to take over control of my body.

"OK", I said, as I got up and took my clothes off down to my underwear. Beet red, I glanced over at Aiden and was shocked to see that not only was he not pretending to look away, but he was making it quite obvious that he was looking.

It was also very obvious what he was looking at, especially when he lifted his eyes from my bulge, looked me in the eye, smirked, and said "Nice".

I turned even redder, and he laughed and rolled on his side to face away from me. I was both perplexed at his turning away and eternally thankful that he did, because a world of fantasies started filling my mind which resulted in blood filling the vessels in my pecker. I was rapidly getting hard, so I climbed back into the bed and laid down on my back again. Eyes wide open, heart pounding, mouth completely devoid of moisture, and afraid to move, I continued staring at that ceiling.

Aiden rolled over onto his back for a moment, then rolled over again to face me.

"Carmen?" he asked.

My mouth was now so dry I was surprised I was able to answer.

"What?"

"Remember back in summer, when you almost got into that fight with Peter?"

"Yes". I knew what was coming next, but even then, when it did I still almost had a heart attack.

"What were you really looking at?"

I'm almost certain my heart stopped. Surely I don't remember hearing it pounding anymore. I had to answer, and worse, I had to be truthful because I knew he already knew the answer. I mustered up every bit of courage I had, and through very dry lips I squeaked "His crotch".

Silence. I was dying inside. At the same time, I figured out where the moisture in my mouth had gone, because it suddenly started trickling out of my eyes. I felt my whole world was going to end. Aiden's silence was killing me, and I was just about to get up, put my clothes on, and run home, but instead remained perfectly still staring at the ceiling, trying to keep my composure.

He spoke again.

"Are you gay?"

The trickle of moisture suddenly became a torrent. I just couldn't help it. But I had to answer.

"Yes. No! I don't know! Maybe? I think so!"

Then I lost it and started crying like a baby. Even more than before, I wanted to throw my clothes on and run home. No, that wouldn't work. Once Aiden told everybody and I was labelled as a fag, I couldn't even go home. They wouldn't want me there. I remembered how Mom & Dad had talked about gays. Instead, I rolled onto my side facing away from Aiden, hoping in vain that he wouldn't see me crying. Everything Aiden had done that evening was gone from my mind: The comments about Daniel-san, the invitation into his bed, the invitation to get nearly naked, the way he looked at me – all of that was a distant memory, surely just me misinterpreting his actions out of faint, desperate, pathetic fantasy. I was certain that he would tell everyone. Nobody would want me around. I would be picked on at school. The life of loneliness I had been sure that I was condemned to had just started. The only reason I didn't get up and run away right then was because I truly did not know what I was going to do.

I was sobbing away when Aiden reached over, put his arm around me, and pulled me closer to him. I didn't know what to do, so I tried my best to stop crying as he held me. He didn't say anything, he just pulled me close and held me until I got it out of my system. After I got the torrent of tears reduced to a few sniffles Aiden said "What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I guess I meant that I really don't know. I mean, I think I am. I think I'm attracted to guys, but can't force myself to be attracted to girls. Believe me, I've tried. But I don't know because I don't think I look or act like gay people are supposed to act, and I don't want to be like that."

More silence. Then, "What do you mean, 'like that'?"

I said, "You know, like gay people. I don't want to be all flouncy and feminine like they are on TV. I just can't picture myself acting like that. And I don't want to go through life being picked on and being talked about."

"But you like guys."

"I think so. Yes."

"And you don't like girls."

"No."

"Well then you're probably gay. Being gay is just a part of you, it doesn't have to be all of you. You can still be the way you are and do the things you want to do. You don't have to be a 'Gay Guy', you can be a 'Guy who is gay".

I thought about this. I had to admit, it did make sense. I could be the same guy I've always been, only with this one part of me that is different. A warmth started spreading into my heart again, and a huge affection for Aiden was welling up inside me that had absolutely nothing to do with sexual attraction. As I started realizing this I also realized that Aiden still had his arm around me, and was still holding me very close.

"So, uh, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Yeah. Are you... are you, you know, gay?"

Aiden tensed slightly as though he suddenly realized he was hugging me, but very quickly relaxed and made no attempt to end the hug.

"No, I don't think so. I do like guys, but I also like girls. I think I might be Bi".

"What is 'Bi'?"

"Bisexual. It means you like both. You know, like Freddie Mercury."

Of course I had heard the rumours that Freddie Mercury was bisexual. Until just then, though, I did not know what that meant. I just knew that it was something the kids snickered over and made smart-ass comments about. I thought about this for a few minutes. What he was saying sounded just a bit too profound for a half drunk 13 year old to be saying, so I asked him, "Wait, how do you know about all of this?"

"You know my mother's boyfriend Bryon? He still lives at home, and he has a gay brother. When I noticed you 'noticing' Peter, I asked Bryon's brother about it. All through the summer, when you refused to play those games, I talked to him. And I also noticed you looking at the guys, and I could almost see the longing in your eyes. At the same time you were showing no interest in any of the girls. I was feeling worried for you. I had a feeling that you were gay, and I was worried that you might hurt yourself. Not suicide or anything like that! I was just afraid you'd make a pass on the wrong person. Sort of like what happened with Peter, but worse. I also noticed that you were trying to get closer to me. I know you're afraid to try anything, but I know you want to. And even though I'm attracted to the girls, I also feel attracted to you. I really began to notice it when you got home from vacation. You seemed more confident in what you wanted, or more accurately, what you didn't want. You looked more mature and I started seeing you in a new way. And this was confusing to me, because I was interested in girls. So I asked Bryon's brother about this, and he told me that I might be bisexual. The more we talked, the more I realized he was right. You are gay and I'm bisexual. But at the end of the day you're Carmen and I'm Aiden. Carman actually told me to say that to you. It was him who suggested I steal a few beers tonight so I'd be brave enough to talk to you about it. If mom knew she'd kill him."

"Wait, who told you to say that?"

"Oh, didn't I mention it? Bryon's brother is also named Carman. Weird, isn't it? I know two gay guys in the world, and they're both named Carmen!"

I laughed. For what felt like the first time in my life, I started laughing. All of that sadness and depression from just a few minutes ago felt like a million years ago. As I was laughing Aiden also started laughing.

We were still laying there giggling when something clicked inside my head. I pulled away from Aiden and rolled over so I could face him.

"Wait, didn't you just say that you were attracted to me?"

"No, I didn't say I 'was' attracted to you. I said I AM attracted to you."

And with that he pulled me close again and kissed me. After an initial moment of shock I started kissing back. We were locked in a passionate embrace and were kissing like crazy. We spent the rest of the night caressing and exploring each other. We did this for hours, then finally fell asleep. It was the most wonderful sleep I had ever experienced. Several times through the night I would reach over and touch Aiden just to make sure this wasn't a dream. Perhaps I was going to be happy after all.