As told by Eli McBride

I had always thought something was off about Nate and Amanda's meet-cute. The core of it, actually. Nate, hitting on someone repeatedly, in a room full of strangers? He'd have to be drunk out of his senses… or scared out of his senses.

I was indignant. And I must admit, I was a little bit pissed at him too. Of course his father was behind all of this; now everything made sense. And I was aware that Natei was so deep under his father’s thumb that he’d do anything the jerk asked, but wooing and fake-dating a poor girl just because she happened to be A Certain Someone’s Daughter was awful.

No wonder he was so uncommitted to the relationship.

I took a deep breath and tried to regain composure. I was ready to support him through this terrible, terrible choice, as long as he came clean about it.

“Isn't it ironic that such a conservative saint is in need of a criminal lawyer?” I asked, nonchalantly. 

“What can I say? Sanctity has a price.”

“Speaking of which…”

I leaned on the table, where he was decorating the brownies with sprinkles. 

"Now I get it. The whole abstinence deal with Amanda.”

He froze for half a second and continued spreading sprinkles liberally, without a peep. He didn't ask me to elaborate. I didn't need an invitation.

“You don't want to consummate out of wedlock, don't you?”

He flinched and looked up. He was serious, embarrassed, annoyed even.

I didn't care. If he had gone to such lengths to subtly insinuate the true nature of his relationship with Amanda, it was because he knew how messed up it was and wanted my blessing to ease his mind. All the jealousy, the pain, the guilt I felt after my first time meeting the girl came back to mind, and I resented the whole situation. We shouldn’t be dealing with this shitfest, it was insane. I was ready to support him. Of course I was, as if I had a choice. I had always been there for him. But! He had made me jump through hoops to figure it out; fine, now he was in for some mandatory teasing. 

“I gotta say,” I continued, relentlessly determined to have him confess. “I never thought you were so into diplomacy, Nate. I'm a bit jealous. Here I am, having all this trouble dating jerk after jerk, and you got it all worked out on your first try… political marriages are damn effective after all!”

“Eli. Come closer,” he said, his face blank. I indulged, with a smirk.

“Closer.” 

Once again, I did. Almost half my body was on the table.

When we were only a few inches away, he leaned over me and whispered in my ear.

“Fuck off.”

I burst out laughing. 

“Oh, come on! I'm just teasing you. After all, no matter the lineage, she's still smart, cool, drop-dead gorgeous and, let's face it, way out of your league.”

He relaxed a bit.

“Some best friend you are, you sugarless dick,” he said, pouring so many sprinkles on the brownies you could barely see them anymore. “I'd kick your ass shut, but I'm wearing an apron.”

“You kiss the cook with that mouth?” I retorted, fingers intertwined.

“I'd make a clever ‘kiss the cock' joke aimed at your persona, but I'm a classy gentleman.”

“Mhm.”

I leaned over the table again and fixed my eyes on him.

“A classy gentleman that thinks he can cuss his way out of the matter at hand,” I said, knowingly. “How very charming.”

He blinked a couple of times and stuttered some evasive nonsense. He was painfully flustered.

I gave up. I didn’t have it in me to torture him further. It was unkind. 

I knew he wasn’t in this mess because he enjoyed the drama. He was understandably unable to properly communicate about it yet and hadn’t counted on me pressuring him, so I would give him a way out of it. I owed him that much given what an ass I had been to Amanda. Despite his reasons for dating her, she was still his legitimate girlfriend. 

And dammit, she was a great catch. I could not delude myself about that. With time, if she was patient and smart enough, she could even find a way into his heart. And I’d better be ready to endure it.

I sighed and smiled as warmly as I could. 

“Come on, Natei. You know you can tell me anything. All jokes aside, I get that she’s your first girlfriend ever and that… uhm… certain things may be, well… scary,” I tried, painfully aware of my stiffness. The idea of the two of them in bed turned my stomach. No! No, no, no. Be the bigger person. Go on. Dammit. “But she clearly likes you a lot, and you, well… you chose her too. I don’t see a reason why things can’t work out nicely for you two, if you open up a little.”

He stared at me for way too long. I fretted in my seat, fearing I had said something that might have upset him further. He cleared his throat, attempted to say something, and changed his mind twice.

He finally put both hands on the edge of the table and stood up decidedly. Or so I thought. He was slightly trembling.

“Actually,” he started, with great effort. “There is a reason why things won’t… wouldn’t… you know.”

Despite my best efforts to keep things light I must have looked bewildered, because he blushed like a kid and began mumbling again.

“The truth… the truth is… you know. The truth. The truth is, I…”

What was going on? I felt a weird tension between us. I couldn’t explain it. I lost my cool. I couldn’t say a word, not even to reassure him. I just waited, most likely looking stupid.

He attempted to say whatever he was so desperately trying to convey a couple more times, and before I could encourage him to just be out with it, he threw himself on the chair with obvious frustration and went back to decorating what by now seemed like a huge serving of sprinkles with brownies on the side.

“I’m not ready,” he sighed deeply. “I’m not ready yet.”

Oh. That was it? I could have guessed that without his brain almost imploding in my kitchen.

The bell rang. Thank God. We were in dire need of a complete change of topic.

“Pizza’s here!” I chanted, grabbing my wallet and running to the door with more excitement than the occasion called for. “I’ll be right back! leave those poor brownies alone and put the game on, will you?”

When I returned with the pizzas, he had neatly prepared our gaming station in the living room. 

“All set,” he announced, proudly.

“Wonderful. These are cold, by the way. I didn’t notice how long it was since I ordered. I should call and complain.”

“Forget about it, I’m starving. I’ll just put them in the oven for a bit.”

“Oven? dude, just throw some slices in the microwave.”

He looked at me as if I had suggested eating a puppy for dinner. He took the boxes from my arms and marched to the kitchen, grumbling something about American crimes against proper meals.

I ran after him, ready to make the most of this unexpected delay. Once we were eating and playing the game, deep-conversation time was most definitely over, and I had one last piece of my mind I felt the obligation to share. 

“Going back to Amanda,” I started. He sighed ever so slightly. “It’s totally understandable if you are not ready yet. But still… you should consider talking to her if you guys are not on the same page.”

He seemed honestly confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… if you’re not that into her, you should be honest. Leading her on is mean. Let her know how you feel, maybe ask her to give you some time to adjust. She deserves that.”

I ran my hand through my hair. Yuk. It was all sticky. I definitely had to use less styling cream. Jesus, Eli. Focus. 

“What I mean is… it’s really painful to fall head over heels for someone who can’t possibly… well… reciprocate.”

I might have said that with a bit more sentiment than I’d wanted to let on. I felt my words. I felt them, as I looked at him and loved him with urgency while giving him relationship advice.

He picked up on my angst and came closer.

“Uh… Eli… is everything okay with Alec?”

“Ah? Alec!?”

Oh! Oh. He knew I was speaking from experience. Well, I was, but not in the way he thought. Goodness. I had completely forgotten to let him in on the latest developments with my now ex-boyfriend. Jesus, that was gonna be awkward.

“Oh! Yeah! Alec. Yeah. Well… we pretty much broke up this morning. Forgot to tell ya. Sorry.”

“Dude! I’m so sorry!” he was so concerned he almost dropped the trail with the pizzas. He put it in the oven hastily and came to me.

“What happened?”

Oh, boy. What happened? Well, on the night of our second anniversary, Alec had arranged a wonderful date night, slept over, and the next morning he surprised me with a lovely home-cooked breakfast in bed,  crowned with an engagement ring.

In a nutshell, he proposed, but stopped me before I had the chance to say Yes. He told me we’d get engaged only if I went no contact with Nathan. I was so shocked I almost dropped the entire breakfast trail. 

Without me saying a single word, he went on a detailed tirade about why Natei was a threat that would make our relationship die in the long term and gave an itemized list of past examples of why we should cut him off our lives in order to reach our happily ever after.

By the time he was done talking, my tea was cold and my head was burning. I told him I was going to be late for work and went for a shower. 

He stopped me, he wanted my answer; I told him to shove the ring up his–

“Li. Come back to Earth. What happened with Alec?”

“Oh. Sorry. Nothing in particular. It just wasn’t working anymore. We had been arguing a lot lately. He kept saying that I spend way too much time with…”

I looked at him. He awaited with an eagerness completely unusual in him. I could not tell him the truth. He’d feel terrible and it was not his fault at all.

“...With my friends,” I finished, crossing my arms. “He made me choose. Him or my friends. And there’s no way in hell I'd ever choose a boyfriend over my friends. That's it.”

He seemed shocked. He scratched the back of his neck like he always did when he was uncomfortable. Usually, he’d jump right into comforting me and bashing on the former paramour, but this time, he hesitated.

“Are you okay?” I asked, smiling. “You seem more upset than I was, and I am the dumpee in this tale of woe.”

“Yeah, I’m just… hum. Surprised, I guess.  I thought you’d marry this one.”

I bet he thought the same. And I might have agreed, if he hadn’t pulled that asshole card out of his sleeve. Oh well.

“Let this be a life lesson for you, my child;” I joked. “Love doesn’t last forever”

“Oh, I think it does, with the right person,” he retorted. “But I gotta say I’m glad he showed his true colors before you guys tied the knot. What an asshole. I’m sorry he put you through that crap. However…”

He smirked. He went from indignant to giddy in a second.

“I bet he was pretty pissed when you blew off that weak-ass ultimatum of his. Describe his face. In detail. Paint me a word picture.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. That was, surprisingly, the first time I saw his petty side.

“I will NOT. And yes, he was pissed. You can stop looking so shamelessly pleased now.”

He shrugged with a smug smile on his face.

“But this does tie in with what I was telling you,” I added, eager to go back to our main topic. “In a way, both Alec and I lead each other on. We were in completely different places in our relationship and we screwed it up. Ultimatum or not, I recognize I am also to blame.”

“Bullshit,” he declared. “He should have known better. That Hail Mary pass was doomed to fail. After two years, I think it was pretty clear that you and your friends are a package deal.”

I stared at him, confused as all hell. Had he, Mr. Obliviousness, actually cracked the code? I blushed like an idiot. Oh my God. Did he really know I was talking about him?

He looked away and went back to the oven.

“By the way, in case you’re second-guessing yourself… I bet that what you did means the world to your friends.” He smiled at me with a tenderness that would melt a rock. “Now, time to eat. Deep, emotional conversations make me hungry.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. He was teasing me then just like I had teased him before, and I was quick to admit that I could dish it, but not take it.

I went to my grandmother’s china cabinet. Whatever allowed me to hide my face until I regained composure.

“Li, if you’re there to choose fancy plates, forget about it. I’m too starved to be careful.”

I whined and picked up a handful of paper napkins.

“Fine, let’s be cavemen and eat directly from the box with our bare hands.”

“That’s more like it.”

We went back to the living room in silence. He placed the reheated pizzas on the coffee table and reached for the joysticks. Endless Journey IX, the latest release of our favorite saga, was already on screen, waiting for us.

“I forgot the drinks,” I said, going back to the kitchen. “Be right back.”

I went to the fridge and fished a couple of orange sodas. I was about to rush back when I heard Nathan’s phone ring.

I froze. A call, at this hour, was no good. I prayed it was not his father. He didn’t know Nate and I were still seeing each other, so if he asked about his son’s whereabouts, Natei would have to lie on the spot.

I waited for him to pick up, holding my breath. The phone rang and rang.

I peeked. He was just staring at the phone, holding a slice of pizza with his free hand.

I dared to walk by and glance at the screen. Oh, dear. 

Amanda.

“Natei, your phone’s going crazy,” I said, casually. “Shouldn’t you get that?”

He snapped out of it, canceled the call and dropped the phone into his pocket.

“Nah, it’s nothing,” he answered, taking the soda from my hand. “It's Game Night. No phones. Just us.”

Man, he was so unfair. How could I possibly get over him when he attacked me like that? That single phrase would be enough to fuel my anxiety for a whole week.

We ate and played and blabbed about the game. Now and then, I could hear Nate’s phone vibrating from the depths of his pocket. He didn’t even check it once. 

I got anxious. I felt that if he actually checked his messages, he’d leave. I hated how empty that made me feel. I threw kindness out the window. Game Night was for us, so I’d make the most of it. I’d hear my therapist rant about codependency later.

“You’re staying the night, right?” I risked, my eyes fixed on the screen. I held my breath.

“Sure. That way we can go together to your dance class tomorrow morning. I could stay and watch. I’m sure Lex won’t mind having an audience. If that’s okay with you, of course.”

I relaxed. He had plans for us even beyond breakfast. My heart fluttered.

“Of course, I’d like that.”