Read Edelweiss :: Chapter 5

Yes because it was true, it was easier to know someone just by seeing what we wanted to see than by trying to really understand them. Understand their bright side and their dark side. Understand everything that was going on in their head, in their body. It was true, it was easier to judge a person on what they let us see of them.

Why would we want to get to know someone when we could rely on the unique perception they gave to us? Why would we bother ourselves to know their thoughts, their desires, their secrets, their fears, they dreams, when we didn't care? Why would we look only at a carnal envelope, when the spirit was the most beautiful envelope we could see? Why were we so indifferent to the spirit of the human? Why was only what they let appear was the only sensitive point? Why couldn't we look any further? To know the how and the why? The when and the who? The where and the how much? Why didn't we give the importance that the spirit of a person deserved? Why couldn't we see beyond their behavior? Why was it so hard to know the reasons? Why?

There were so many questions that I asked to myself and all of them were directed at them, because seeing the glint in their eyes grow sad was the most painful thing that I could see. A pain so strong that it could exceed the others. The pain of knowing that you were never good enough, that you could never be the way people wanted you to be, that no matter all the efforts you were able to do and give, there would never be enough eyes to show that you were capable of it. The pain of whatever you were, no one would ever accept you. The pain of contempt from an outsider. The look, the words, the thoughts of someone who only judged by what they want to see.

I was that person and I was ashamed of it. Because any first impression was made by the vision and not on the understanding of what the person was thinking.

And I had been that kind of person to them, by basing myself on what I could see. At first glance, maybe they may have been weird but, there was something sweet and affectionate. At first glance, everything was fine. They had a welcoming smile, eyes filled with light, a straight and friendly posture. Nothing presupposed that behind such a picture, there could be darkness. So it was in thinking about that I remembered that every big outing was a challenge for them. They could do all the efforts of the world, they would have wanted to die on the spot instead of going somewhere with anyone. Because first impressions were all misleading, because it was easier to hide our true self than to create a new one. One that would have no flaws.

I had known them for several days and had been going to visit them on this same roof. Where I first met them. There also where I had belittled them, because it was what people who had no knowledge of anything did. I couldn't help but think of them. Of what they could do, what they could think. To know if they thought of me too, of what they thought about me. And I told myself that they must take me for a real douchebag, but certainly more for someone filled with compassion and pity towards a person desperate. But, I didn't think that of them. Of course what their body showed me was bad and annoying. Inwardly, this mystery pushed me towards them. The silence that emanated from them was so deep that I couldn't let the doubt, the concern unanswered. I had to know them more. More intimately. I couldn't help it.

So it was naturally that I headed to the store where they used to perch. But today, there was nobody. I walked every evening, at the same time (when I could) as the day we met and I had always seen them. They had stopped lying down on the edge of the roof, they was now standing, staring at the mountains that surrounded the town. When the sun rose high in the sky, the golden sunbeams came to warm their skin, making it shine. In rain weather, drops of warm and cold water made their clothes stick to their skin. Without ever seeing them shiveror tremble. Then when the thunder rumbled and lightnings sprinkled the dark sky with their blindind light, I rushed over and persuaded them to leave the place. Of course, that never happened, but that was what I imagined myself doing. When the snow will fall, I will imagine them again, a hat on their head, a nose all red, pinkish lips, a white but radiant complexion. They would become an angel. Because that was what they were. That was what I saw in them.

On this day, alone in this deserted street, my hopes to see them again very soon had vanished. It was in those moments that I thought I should have asked them where they lived. But courage had always failed me.

So I left. I had turned around. I didn't go straight home. Being already outside, I thought that it was now or never to see the surroundings of my new life. To meet the people who lived in this town. To know it a little better. Just not to be a new inhabitant among so many others, who didn't even care about their new environment.

I was several blocks from my house, probably two or three streets from the store northwards, when I stepped into a huge neighborhood. All the houses looked the same. Big, storeyed, vast garden, white facade, slate roof and tarmac driveway. It was a residential area as we knew it: warm and perfect.

I walked slowly on the sidewalk with my hands in the pockets of my jeans, my gaze lowered when I decided to look up. At this moment, a few meters from me, I had recognized them and their brown hair. They had just come out of one of the houses, a smile on their lips. I rushed towards them.

"Hi!" I greeted them cheerfully.

They quickly turned their eyes to me, surprised. They frowned. They moved promptly towards me, as if they didn't want their family to see me.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well..."

"You know where I live? Are you spying on me?" They cut me off jokingly.

"No! No!" I replied, my heart pounding.

"Relax, I'm kidding," they gently hit me in my shoulder while giving me a big smile. "But I have to admit that it's weird to see you here, given..."

"That you never told me where you lived." I cut them off.

"That's it," they giggled nervously.

"Well know my dear that I had gone to a secret place but, strangely, the person I was supposed to meet was not there. To my poor little broken heart and my day suddenly becoming boring."

"What an idiot!" They exclaimed, playing the game.

"I'll make sure to tell them!"

They started laughing, while looking at me with sparks exploding in their pupils, telling thousands of hidden stories.

"I'm sorry I didn't go. I don't go there every day and I should have told you."

"Don't apologize. I have to stop looking for you and run after you."

"Ah, but that's because no one can never get over me once they've met me."

They smiled again.

I couldn't say otherwise. When I first met them, the first thing I thought was not what they were doing on that roof and why they were lying on that edge, but the simple fact of having seen them, I had wanted to see them again and again -I had done that two days after, and luckily they had been there. And that even if I hadn't had the bravery to climb up on that roof.

"Since we're at it, do you want to go somewhere?"

"I would have loved to but..."

"I understand if you can't."

I smiled at them and I turned away from them, disappointed.

"Wait, that's not it."

I felt a hand stopping me. I turned around and fell on a sad look. A look I hadn't seen on their face before. Deep in their pupils, there was fear, like if they were hiding something terrible from me that they wanted to tell me, but there was some kind of barrier that was keeping them from doing it. All that why? Because fear of judgment, fear of flight paralyzed them. I knew that look all too well and I didn't want them to hide things from me and think I couldn't accept what they might tell me. I wanted an open relationship with no secrets or lies. A relationship that was never seen in real life, but in which I believed. Because a frienship or a love was created and if people thought that those perfect relationships that we saw in movies or TV shows were impossible to have in reality, I wanted to believe they were wrong. Because, if you wanted such a relationship, all you had do was create it, not dream it. I wanted that kind of relationship with them and I was going to do everything to have it. Even if I have to see doors slamming in my face.

"So what is it?"

They took a deep breath to regain a certain composure. A semblance of courage.

"There are so many things you need to know about me and most of them aren't that pretty. And maybe it would be better if you never knew them. But... if two persons want to build something, then it's essential to confide to one another, because that's what trust does, isn't it? It makes people trust each other, even if they don't necessarily want it."

I nodded in confirmation and encouraged them to continue.

"Well, it's not that I don't want to go somewhere with you, on the contrary I would love to. But... I am scared nothing goes well."

"Why?"

"I suffer from anxiety and it is very difficult for me to control my panic attacks when I step out of my comfort zone. And even when I'm inside this comfort zone, I still manage to have panic attacks," they looked down.

"What could I do to make things easier?"

"Calm me down, talk to me, distract me. Anything that can keep my mind from darkening."

"What if I can't do it?"

"I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do it," they shrugged.

Reassured, I no longer had any doubts. At least, I hid them so they wouldn't meet the ones they already had. And then if they told me that I could do it, it must be true. Because another first impression I had of them was that they weren't one to lie. Not on such important topics.

"So can we go?"

"We can, just give a few minutes to let my parents know."

Aware of news that could change my vision of things and especially my life forever, I took the risk of venturing into this darkness.

On our way to the city, the trip was made in music, laughter, in a relaxed atmosphere. I did what they asked me to do: distract them. Moreover, I had learned to know them a little more or rather to know their disease. They had explained to me how they had had it, for how long, the reasons, the symptoms. Eveything I had to know from A to Z. I realized that it must not be easy for them to live with it every day. As they had told me, there were times when they wanted to go back in time and be the child they were. But on the other hand, they were happy to have this disease, because without this unexpected development of situation, they would never have seen the reality, life that people not living in hell could not see. So maybe there was good in the bad, as there was bad in the good. Everything was balanced and understanding the meaning was precious.

Arrived at destination, I had seen their muscles contract, yet everything continued to go well. Their gaze hadn't changed. Their posture hadn't stiffened.

"Everything's alright?" I got closer to them.

"Everything's fine."

A small smile appeared on their lips.

We remained a few seconds in front of the shopping center, letting them take a big and long breath, but above all letting them relax a little before entering. It was at this moment that I felt their skin against mine, feeling their fingers intertwine with those of my hand. Startked, I looked down at our linked hands, but didn't make any remarks or remove my hand from their touch. Then we started to walk towards the lion's den.

Inside the shopping mall, everything changed. We went around the building, doing dozens of stores. As in the car, the atmosphere wasn't oppressive. They managed to control their panic attacks wonderfully, even if sometimes they took my hand again to show me that the stress was back, before releasing it to inform me that they were fine once again.

We have been in the ambient heat of a overcrowed shopping mall for over an hour. Back near the entrance from where we had come, I heard a voice calling out to me. In a same movement, we turned around. In front of us, I recognized one of my colleagues smiling at me. I turned to them, looking at them apologetically.

"Do you mind if I leave you two minutes alone?"

"Are you afraid to introduce me?"

"I'm afraid of tomorrow and the questionning session I'm going to have."

"So I'm not the only one to have secrets."

"Everyone has secrets. Besides, is it too selfish to want you just for me?" I gave them a smirk while arching an eyebrow.

"Two minutes."

"I promise to come back very quickly. Everything will be alright, okay? And if anything happens, I say anything, you come to me, alright?"

"Everything's going to be fine, don't worry."

"Two minutes."

This content is intended for mature audiences for the following reasons.