Important:
In this chapter, there is mention of anxiety and depression. The things mentioned are not at all meant to describe everyone who has experienced this. The thoughts or things mentioned are only from my point of view or thoughts which have then been edited to fit the characters and the situation. This is a fiction story, and though the setting and world are fictional, the issues are very much real. Please know that it is not my intention to disregard the importance or impact that these may have on a person. That being said, if you feel as if that is what is coming across or feel as though I did not describe it in the best possible way, please feel free to contact me.
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There are more underclassmen than upper this year, by at least 75 students, but the upperclassmen are still the loudest. We get in line, get our lunch, and look for a table close to the wall and by the door. Finding an empty spot, we sit down toward the quieter end of the table, the other half full of juniors who still think putting fries up the nose is funny. Mia and Skylar become the same loving and doting couple that I have seen the past few days, her stealing his fries and him taking some of her grapes. They look like any regular high school couple that's been together for years. You wouldn't think that they had only just met; while they continue to eat, I zone out again.
"Skylar, can I ask you a question?" I ask.
"Shoot," he says, munching on his pizza.
"Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable or don't want to talk about it, but why haven't I seen you in school until this year and not until our last semester?"
"Oh, I was...sick...after middle school, so I homeschooled until I got back my strength physically and mentally," he answers a little hesitantly, keeping his head down and eyes trained on the table the entire time.
"Oh my Threads, what's wrong? How are you feeling now? What can I do to help?" Mia asks quickly, genuine fear and worry swim into her eyes as she looks at him.
"Mia!" I say, surprised by the suddenness of the questions.
He gives her a sad smile as love and a hint of fear start to swim in his eyes. He just leans over and gives her a hug, to which she reciprocates immediately.
"Just continue to be you, ok?" he says, kissing her on her forehead and then laying his head on her shoulder.
"It's ok. I...um...I have problems with Anxiety and Depression. Saying I was 'sick' is sometimes easier than admitting out loud I was having problems with my mental health. I am a lot better than I was, but I still get panic attacks now and then and bouts of depression. I am lucky because I have it better than some. I have met a few other people that struggle with the same thing so we would often see each other during therapy sessions. Group therapy, though hard at times, was helpful for me, but it's not for everyone. One person I met had social anxiety so bad that he would have panic attacks constantly. You couldn't talk to him longer than 3 minutes on some days without him having an attack. He was a nice guy and was super optimistic on his good days. I saw him the other day when I went for a therapy session and held a 5-minute conversation. To some, that's not long, but for him to talk to a stranger like me, that's one of the longest conversations he's held," Skylar explains, a slight hesitation in his voice and the fear swimming in his eyes gets a little stronger.
"You know you didn't have to tell us, right? Mia just doesn't know her boundaries," I say to Skyler, looking at her pointily.
"It's...ok. It's easier to talk about it than it was."
"Well, thank you for sharing, really," I say, ending the conversation, and going back into an awkward silence.
They continue to eat, and I am still sitting in silence. Looking at the two now, I would have never guessed that Skylar, of all people, had difficulties with this kind of thing, but I guess that's the point. I have noticed that when you are struggling with anything mental health related, it can be hard to admit it to yourself let alone anyone else. I can relate to Skylar a little but not as deep of a level.
Over the time I've had this gift, I have seen so many couples get together and meet, I've been invited to some weddings like Jane and Elli's, and I've also been to funerals of some of the older couples and talked to their families. Each couple is completely in love with each other, and it shows, not only in their eyes when they see each other, but through their actions and stories that are shared. Though I am so happy for them, it can be hard to deal with. Each time, I always end up depressed or in a rut for a few days. Of course, I have my Counter that acts as reassurance, but when you're a teenager, and everyone around you is meeting their soulmate, you can't help but wish you had met yours as well.
Unlike those during the Decade of Death, I have yet to give up completely, but the hopelessness is stronger than it should be. Sometimes, I thank the Threads for this gift; other times, I want to curse them. I have probably witnessed four times, if not more, the normal amount of meeting for someone my age. A University student actually did a study a while back for a thesis and found that most 18 years old's, on average, witness about one meeting every three months or less every year from the time they are born. That averaged out to, more or less, 76 meetings throughout their current lifetime. When I read that and compared the data, I found I average about a little over two meetings per month over 14 years, the first memory of them being when I was 5, averaging out to over 336 meetings, give or take from the first memory until now. After helping so many people and still being unable to do anything about your situation, I think anyone would be a little down.
"Have you ever been outside of Valmont?" I blurt out.
I don't register what I said until I look at Mia and Skylar staring at me, eyes wide and mouths hanging open.
"What?" Sky breaks the silence after staring at me for what feels like forever.
"Have you ever been to the other side of the Wall?" I ask again, this time on purpose.
"I...once when I was like 15, our therapy group took a trip abroad to Scotland to try some new techniques for helping with anxiety; we only stayed for two days before we had to come back," he said, surprised.
"What was past the Wall? Not the Scotland part, but literally right outside the Wall?" I ask.
"Well, I only saw it briefly before getting on a tinted bus, but I'm pretty sure it was just forest."
"Hm, it's to the North near the school, and if it's to the East surrounding the Main Gate, then how far does it go?" I ask quietly, more to myself.
"Well, some older generations have said that we are in the middle of the forest, with only the road at the Main Gate," Mia responds
I stay quiet and trapped in my thoughts until the lunch bell rings, still on autopilot, making my way to computer science. The rest of the day felt like this morning, completely oblivious to what was going on around me. By the time school's over and the three of us are walking to the library, I can't stop thinking about the building in my dream. There was this feeling of peace that I haven't had the chance to feel in such a long time. True, it was only a dream, but I have no way of knowing why that was the place that appeared. I know that sometimes when you dream of a person or a place, it's because you had seen the thing before, whether it was briefly or you've seen it every day.
That's the thing, though; I haven't left Valmont since I was born, I know every building in this city like the back of my hand, and I have yet to see a building like that. If dreams come from your subconscious, how did mine create such a vivid and realistic space where I felt peace? Somewhere that I knew so easily.
This is the only thing on my mind as we walk into the library. Leaving my stuff with Mia, I go to the back stacks toward the psychology section, trying to find something that can help me understand. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this. Maybe I'm just stressed with the end of the year and graduating and getting ready for University. That has to be the reason. I was too stressed, so my subconscious created a place where I would feel safe and relaxed. Putting the book in my hands back on the shelf, I shake my head and go back up to the tables where Mia and Skylar had already started on their Pre-Calc.
"Hey, you ran off quick. Did you find what you needed?" Mia asks with speculation and confusion swirling together in her eyes as she looks at me.
"Um, yeah, I...I guess. No big deal, I got the info I needed," I say, trying to stop the conversation as quickly as possible.
"Good, now come help with this English assignment. I can't fully comprehend this section," she says, pushing Math aside and digging out the book.
We stayed there for another 2 hours trying to finish up any last-minute essays, presentations, and extra credit assignments before realizing it was already 6 o'clock. We walk toward my house first, being the closest, then Skylar decides to walk Mia home despite him being a few blocks away from me. Waving goodbye, I go inside and find Andrew snuggled up next to Ruby in the living room. When they see me, they break apart as fast as possible, embarrassment rising in their eyes and on their faces. I just laugh, shake my head, and head to my room. I take a quick shower, realizing that I didn't get a chance to take one this morning, finish the rest of my homework then try to find something on TV that isn't news or drama.
By the time I decide to shut everything off and head to bed, it's already 10:30. It got so late, and I didn't even realize it. As I head back to my room, I find that everyone was already in bed for the night. Where was I?
Shrugging it off, I walk into my room, lay in bed, and stare at my Counter ticking down, like always. 457 days 11 hours and 33 minutes left. I rub my wrist with my thumb, and as my mind asks more and more questions and my thoughts get louder in my ears, my eyelids get heavier and heavier until finally, I'm out.
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