A few days later

The street was empty and poorly illuminated, in an area of Rainhill in which he never hung out. Asa parked his car on the side of the street, in front of a row of closed shops. He quickly checked his phone, looking for any text from the man he was supposed to meet up with.

Ben: On my way :), the notification read.

Asa rolled down the window an inch, and reached into the pocket of his jacket for his cigarettes, intending to have a quick smoke in waiting. But as soon as the cig touched his lower lip, he spotted a figure on the sidewalk heading in his direction. The man stopped a few feet from his car and after a few seconds, raised his arm in a hesitant greeting.

Revie didn’t bother getting out. He just rolled down the window a few more inches. He watched the man take two steps forward, under the yellowish flickering light of a street lamp. Taller than him, hidden in a dark blue coat, he had ginger short hair and a neat beard trimmed carefully for the occasion.

"Are you Asa?" He had a strong British accent.

He nodded, letting out a disappointed sigh. Fake pictures. He was the same person featured on the app, but at least ten years older. Were they stupid enough to think he wouldn’t notice.

"You are not thirty-two years old", he commented in a gentle tone.

"Guilty...", the man smiled in response, as he did nothing bad. He rested one hand on the roof of Revie’s car. "I didn't think it was a problem for you to date an older man - does a few more years make such a difference?"

“Makes no difference.” He rolled up the window, inviting the man to join him in the car with a casual hand gesture. It wasn’t the first time he’d slept with someone old enough to be his father, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last either. Ben, or whatever his actual name was, walked around the car to open the passenger door. He slid into the seat, nervously. He was so tall and built that the car wiggled a bit when he sat down. Except for not being a fan of his accent and liars, he couldn’t deny himself that man was quite attractive.

As Revie reached for the car keys to start the car, he felt the man placing a hand on his forearm. He looked at him, almost petrified by that contact. Under the sleeve of his own jacket, he felt the cuts pulsing.

"But you are nineteen, right?" he asked, searching for his eyes. "I mean, you're not underage."

Revie strained a smile, nodding in response. "Sure I am… You seem nervous, Ben."

Ben Ben let out a breathy laugh, lowering his gaze to his own nervous hands resting on his tights. "I've never done it this way. Meeting up with a guy after a few texts on a dating app. It seems too easy."

"There's no catch. I want what you want," and leaned close to the man's ear to whisper. "A little fun."

Ben stared at him for a few seconds, looking spellbound by his charm, and Revie composed himself back on the seat.

"You're really pretty," he commented. “And hot.”

Revie smiled politely, but the compliments meant nothing to him. It was late in the evening, almost eleven o'clock. 

He had ditched a night out with his friends under the pretense that he needed to study, all just to be there with a pathetic man. He’d tried to ignore the voices in his head - the clawing, impatient thoughts - but they’d grown so loud he couldn't hold a normal conversation anymore. All he could think about was how shattered he felt inside, and how badly he needed sex to drown out the noise. Somehow, sex always worked to make him stop thinking.

You need it. You need it. Youneedit.

It was temporary - sometimes far too fleeting - but he craved those brief moments of relief like drugs. 

"Hotel or parking?" Asa asked, in a calm, detached tone. 

In reality, his legs were trembling, his heart hammering against his ribs. Every single time he let a stranger into his life for a couple of hours, it was a Russian roulette - exposing his body and his brokenness to someone who might be harmless, or permanently ruin his life.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want to get a hotel room or do you want to fuck in the car?" he asked, almost irritated by having to repeat himself.

"We could have a drink" Ben suggested, "and get to know each other a little bit and then decide where-"

Asa interrupted him abruptly. "Do you think this is a date? Maybe you're a bit confused. We go somewhere and you fuck me. That’s it. No flirting, no small talk, none of that bullshit "

Ben went silent for a few seconds, staring.

"I can see you’re a mature guy that knows what he wants," he said.

 "Yeah," Asa smiled. "I know what I want." He wasn't sure that was meant to be a positive comment.

The reality of having a forty-year-old man sitting next to him, aroused by the idea of sleeping with a twenty-year-old, disgusted him. Yet there he was, about to be the young prohibited fantasy of a man, and he wasn't going to back out. You need it!, the voices in his head were still screaming.

"We could find a parking lot and stay in the car," the man finally said, breaking the silence.

"Great," he replied, starting the engine without a second thought.

***

The parking was deserted, hidden beside an abandoned building in the Rainhill industrial area. No one was going to drive around there, especially late at night. Revie often picked that spot for his hookups, or some cheap motel, or a hidden dark spot on the side of the road that cut through the forest outside town. Even though he lived alone, he never brought casual sex home. He could imagine some obsessed weirdo showing up at his place to see him one more time. There was hardly ever a second time with him, rarely a third, never a fourth.

In the backseat, the man started kissing him on the neck and touching his thighs with gentle strokes, as if he was afraid of breaking him. Within seconds, Revie could already feel the boner growing through the man’s pants. He couldn't tell if the attention made him feel important or if he was just disgusted with himself. He leaned toward the man to unzip his pants, but was interrupted quickly.

 "What?", he hissed.

"Let's take it slow, okay?" Revie rolled his eyes and let go a sigh, then nodded. "Is this your first time?"

Asa chuckled. "My first time with an older man I met on apps, or in general? Either way, If the idea of being my first turns you on, pretend it is."

Ben smiled with a tenderness he could not comprehend. Did he feel pity for him?

"Can I kiss you?"

Revie stared at him for a couple of seconds before answering. "Okay." Gross.

He leaned to rest his lips against the man's and went along with his motion for a few seconds. The feeling of the beard against his chin made him upset.

"I like you a lot. You're almost feminine - I like guys like you."

"Can we undress now?", he asked, pretending he didn’t hear that.

"Are you always this impatient?"

"Fucking strip now", he insisted, and Ben seemed to find it arousing. He kissed him again roughly and Revie found his head pressed against the window. The clothes slipped off one by one, thrown under the seats, until they were both left with only their underwear and a T-shirt on. Ben removed that off, too, but Revie, as always, kept it to hide the raw cuts and pale scars crossing his arms.

 "Do you want me to do something with my mouth or we just fuck?", he asked, bluntly.

"Do you bottom?" the man asked hesitantly. 

"I do whatever turns you on the most," he smiled and fought back the sudden, overwhelming urge to burst into tears. 

He just needed to have sex. He really needed it.