Cailan heard Hamish get up and leave, felt Liam sit down beside him. He knew he should lift his head and pretend that he had just been trying to sleep, that everything was fine, but he knew it wouldn’t be convincing and Liam hated it when he hid his feelings. He still did it, because that was part of being a good slave, but he tried to do it well enough that Liam wouldn’t know.
Liam stroked fingers through Cailan’s hair. “Are you all right, sweetheart?”
Cailan turned his head so that his face was no longer buried in the pillow. He couldn’t keep hiding. It would look like sulking. “Yes, of course. I—I was just—”
“What are you feeling right now?”
Cailan hated that question. He always struggled with it, but Liam had been asking it more and more. This time, he didn’t answer at all.
“Cailan,” Liam said, gentle but firm.
“I—I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“Do you not know, or do you not want to say because you think it’s the wrong thing?”
“I’m sorry,” Cailan said again. His throat felt tight and his eyes were damp.
Liam lay down next to Cailan and stroked fingers through his hair, slow and soothing. “I know this is difficult for you and I regret taking this long to recognise the issue. If I’d begun working with you on this when you were younger instead of letting you further ingrain these behaviours, you would likely struggle with this far less.”
Cailan shuffled closer and clung to Liam. He wanted Liam to be happy with him, but he didn’t know how to get there from where he was. Every path felt like a disappointment waiting to happen.
“Take a deep breath in, let it out, and tell me how you feel. I expect you to be completely honest with me. Do you understand?”
Cailan nodded. He took a deep breath in. Let it out. His hands clutched at Liam’s shirt. “I feel jealous.”
“Mm, I thought so,” Liam said, still petting Cailan’s hair. “Why?”
“I know I’m not supposed to. It’s not my place, and—”
“Cailan,” Liam interrupted. “I expect you to answer the questions I ask you. I asked why you feel jealous, not for you to tell me why you shouldn’t.”
Cailan swallowed. He was silent for a long moment. “I’m a man now. I’ve been a man for some time. You always said you were waiting, but now that I’m grown you still prefer humans.”
“I give you my love in other ways. Why does that trouble you?”
“I’m a Companion. That’s my purpose.”
“Are you upset that you failed to fulfil the purpose my father bought you for? That you failed to stop me from having intimate relationships with other human men?”
“No, of course not!” Cailan insisted. “He gave me to you. It doesn’t matter what he wanted. I’m yours and I serve you.”
“And you’ve done everything I’ve asked of you.”
“Yes, I—yes, of course. You’re right.”
Liam sighed. “Cailan, I’m not trying to talk you out of your feelings. I’m trying to understand them.”
Cailan chewed on his lip. “Maybe I could cut my hair. I can’t look as masculine as the men you prefer, but I could look a little less—”
“Cailan!” Liam exclaimed, abruptly sitting up and looking down at him, his expressed pinching.
Cailan shrunk back. He knew Liam would never strike him, but he wanted nothing more than to make him happy and what he had just said had clearly not made Liam happy.
“Cailan,” Liam repeated, much more gently this time. He stroked a hand over the top of Cailan’s hair. “You’re beautiful, okay? I love you how you are. You don’t need to change.”
Cailan looked away. “But you don’t find me attractive. Not in that way.”
“Don’t tell me what I think.”
“I—no, of course not, but—”
Liam lay down on his back and let out a long sigh. “You are correct that I always intended to simply wait until you were older. You’re beautiful, Cailan, but you were too young, and you seemed all the younger for how timid and vulnerable you were.”
“I know,” Cailan murmured.
“But there were a few… incidents that made me rethink my intentions. The first was with a young man, about a year after I joined the military. He showed interest in me, and he responded to kissing and our hands on one another’s bodies. I thought we were on the same page. But then we took things further, and I’m ashamed to say that I took far longer than I would have liked to realise something was wrong. That he was no longer enthusiastic and responsive. I stopped, and we talked, and it turned out he wasn’t as attracted to men as he had thought.”
“That wasn’t your fault. It was a misunderstanding.”
“It was careless of me,” Liam said. “The second incident was between me and two officers. I was the age you are now, I believe, and they were much older than me. I became uncomfortable and tried to politely extract myself from the situation, but they didn’t listen. I had to become quite insistent before they let me go, enough that I felt the fear of thinking they might not.”
Cailan’s eyes went wide. “I’m sorry. Nobody should hurt you.”
“And nobody should hurt you either, sweetheart. But every time something like this happens, I think of you and I realise you wouldn’t say a thing. In fact, you would do your very best to hide any discomfort or fear you were feeling. Why should I even assume you’re attracted to men? Most men aren’t, and I doubt anyone asked you before selling you for this purpose. Are you attracted to men, Cailan?”
“Of course,” Cailan said, but he was realising he had never thought to ask himself that. It had been irrelevant.
“Are you?” Liam pressed.
“I think so,” Cailan said. “I—yes? I’m attracted to you.”
“Are you actually?”
“Yes,” Cailan said, more confident now. “Sometimes… sometimes I have dreams about you, and you kiss me on my mouth, and—and you touch me with your hands. They are not bad dreams.”
Liam offered him a gentle, encouraging smile. “You never told me about that.”
Cailan averted his gaze. “We’re encouraged to avoid those kinds of dreams when we can.”
“You know I don’t mind, don’t you? I’ve told you it’s okay if you explore your sexuality on your own. I could hardly expect you to wait for years to do anything at all.”
“I know. I remember. But… I wanted it to be with you instead. That’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“You haven’t been touching yourself? At all?”
Cailan shook his head. “I just have the dreams sometimes. I can’t help the dreams. And… I like having them. I get to pretend you like me as much as a human man.”
“Cailan,” Liam said, voice scolding, and Cailan reflexively squirmed in on himself. “When I call you my love, my world, my treasure, do you think I’m just being theatrical? Do you think I don’t mean that?”
Cailan stayed silent. No answer felt like the right one.
“Sex can be very nice, but it’s not everything, Cailan. Not by a long shot. Do you really think a little fun with an acquaintance is worth more than the years we’ve spent together? More than the strength and the love and the support you’ve given me? I’ll tell you, Cailan, it doesn’t come close, and that’s why I had set my attraction towards you aside. I intend for us to be together our whole lives. If I make a mistake that tarnishes our bond, I have to live with that. We both do.”
“I think… I think it’s hard for me to believe how much you genuinely care for me. Not because you don’t do a good job of showing it, but because it’s not something that’s supposed to happen. It’s not unusual for a master to feel affection for his Companion, but it lacks the depth and endurance of a romance between two humans. It’s a temporary substitute while a human seeks a long term relationship or a supplement to an unsatisfying marriage.”
Liam rolled onto his side, facing Cailan, and wrapped an arm around his waist. He didn’t pull him any closer, but he knew that Cailan found the touch reassuring, grounding. “I don’t blame you for being confused, Cailan. I still haven’t sorted all of this out in my own mind. I try to simplify things for myself by telling myself that you’re my slave and I can have whatever sort of relationship with you I like, but that misses the point. What we’re doing, and what I strive for, is outside the bounds of a typical relationship between master and slave.”
“I hope you’ll forgive me for sometimes being slow to catch up, even when you’re quite clear about what you want from me. I was very well prepared for a typical relationship, and though I appreciate what you’ve given me instead, it does confuse me at times.”
“I know, love. Don’t fret about it. Your greatest downfall is how hard you try to be good, and how could I be cross about that?”
“It helps when you redefine what it means to be good for me. Even when it’s to express my own feelings and make sure my needs are met. I feel guilty about doing it for myself, but when you give me firm instructions, make it an order, it’s so much easier.”
Liam smiled and pressed a kiss against Cailan’s forehead. “That’s why I do it. I found that being too gentle and permissive with you made you anxious. You need guidance.”
Cailan nodded.
“I will admit that I am happy to provide it. The kinds of friends I make sometimes assume, when they find out my father gave you to me without so much as asking first, that I would not choose to be your master. That, were there some other way you could be safe and happy, I would choose that instead. That is not the case. What I have with you is exactly what I want.”
“I know,” Cailan whispered. Liam had told him this before. He seemed to feel it was a morally questionable position, but it always brought Cailan comfort to hear it was still the case. He belonged to Liam and wouldn’t want things any other way. Of course he wanted Liam to want to be his master.
“Ours is different from a typical relationship between master and slave in many ways, but there is one difference that is particularly important. This has always been true, but if we’re to be getting into areas of physical intimacy I feel I ought to explicitly state it. Are you listening carefully?”
Cailan nodded. “Always.”
“If you give me a clear, firm no to anything, ever, even to the most reasonable of requests, I will respect it. If you need something between us to change in order for you to be happy, even if it’s well outside of what you’ve been taught to expect as a slave, I will do it. I will do anything. I know none of that will come naturally to you, but I need you to understand that you are what is most important to me. Please do not ever let me make you unhappy.”
Cailan wrapped his arms around Liam and clung to him. His throat felt tight and his body was trembling.
Liam stroked soothing lines up and down Cailan’s back. “What are you feeling, sweetheart?”
“Loved,” Cailan said. “But… vulnerable, too. The idea of doing what you suggested scares me. It feels like something I shouldn’t do. But—but knowing that you would do that for me…”
“I would,” Liam murmured into Cailan’s hair.
Cailan pulled away just far enough that he could look Liam in the eye. “I’m sorry I doubted your devotion. You’ve given me no reason to. You’ve given me everything.”
“No, Cailan, you explained yourself well. I gave you a very good reason to. I told you I intended to have sex with you when you were grown and then I never did and I gave you no reason why. I understand.”
“So—so can we…”
“When you think about these things, are you thinking about how you want to be a good boy and serve your master, or are these thoughts that turn you on?”
Cailan bit at his lip. His natural instinct was to insist, even to himself, that all he wanted was to serve. But the dreams… the dreams had not been about serving Liam, at least not primarily. Of course they were framed from a position of Liam wanting something from him, but if he were honest, the true fantasy was that Liam would want to give him what he wanted.
“I think it’s difficult for me to see my sexuality as something that’s entirely my own. There are things I want you to want from me and to want to do to me, if that makes any sense.”
“No, we’ve been through this with other things. I understand. You have a hard time enjoying things just for yourself. I don’t think that’s entirely incompatible with healthy sex. It should be mutually enjoyed. But, Cailan, that goes both ways. You understand how much it would upset me if you hid your feelings and let me do something you didn’t want, don’t you?”
Cailan nodded. “Of course. I do understand why you would think I might do that. Sometimes I still struggle to remember that what you want from me isn’t necessarily what I’ve been trained to expect a master to want from me. When it comes to specific, concrete things it’s easy enough, but more general concepts like prioritising my own wellbeing are more challenging.”
Liam gave him a gentle smile. “I know, sweetheart, and I won’t rely solely on you to keep it in check. It’s my responsibility in this to make sure at all times that you are okay, and to do nothing that may hurt you if I can’t be sure of that. But I do believe we are ready for this next stage in our relationship. Not just that you’re old enough for it, but that I have the maturity to handle this properly and that we understand one another well enough to make this something positive.”
Cailan smiled and wet his lips. “So… so are we going to…”
“Not yet. Not here in this tent where we might be interrupted or overheard or rushed.” Liam leant forward and pressed their lips together, just for a moment. “But soon.”
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