Cailan felt Liam sit down beside him. He knew he should lift his head, force a smile, and pretend everything was fine—that he had merely been dozing. But the charade felt impossible to maintain. Liam had always seen right through his attempts to hide his feelings.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?"

Cailan turned his head, golden strands falling across his face as he met Liam's steady gaze. His throat felt tight, words sticking as he tried to formulate a response. "Yes, of course," he managed, the lie tasting bitter on his tongue. "I was just—" He trailed off, unable to come up with a convincing excuse.

"What are you feeling right now?" Liam asked, his hand coming to rest warm and steady on Cailan's shoulder.

Cailan's stomach clenched at the question. It always did. Lately, Liam had been asking it more and more, each time peeling back another layer of Cailan's carefully constructed facade. This time, the words died in his throat, leaving only a deafening silence.

“Cailan,” Liam said, gentle but firm.

"I—I don't know," Cailan whispered. "I'm sorry."

“Do you not know, or do you not want to say because you think it’s the wrong thing?”

A lump formed in Cailan's throat, hot and painful. "I'm sorry," he repeated, his voice cracking. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over.

Liam lay down beside him. His fingers found their way into Cailan's hair, stroking slow, soothing patterns against his scalp. 

"I know this is difficult for you," Liam murmured, his breath warm against Cailan's cheek. "And I regret taking this long to recognize the issue. If I'd begun working with you on this when you were younger, instead of letting you further ingrain these behaviours, you would likely struggle far less now."

Cailan inched closer, burying his face in the crook of Liam's neck. He desperately wanted to make Liam happy, to be the perfect Companion he was meant to be. But every potential response felt like a misstep waiting to happen, a disappointment lurking just around the corner.

"Take a deep breath in," Liam instructed, his hand moving to rub slow circles on Cailan's back. "Let it out. Now, tell me how you feel. I expect complete honesty from you. Do you understand?"

Cailan nodded, his hands clutching at Liam’s shirt. “I feel jealous.”

"Mm, I thought so," Liam murmured. “Why?”

"I know I'm not supposed to," Cailan rushed to add, his words tumbling out in a desperate flood. "It's not my place, and—"

"Cailan," Liam's voice cut through his rambling, firm but not unkind. "I expect you to answer the questions I ask you. I asked why you feel jealous, not for you to tell me why you shouldn't."

Cailan swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry. The silence stretched between them, thick and heavy. He could hear the steady thrum of Liam's heartbeat, feel the rise and fall of his chest. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough with emotion. "I'm a man now. I've been a man for some time. You always said that you were waiting, but now that I'm grown, you still prefer humans."

“I give you my love in other ways. Why does that trouble you?”

Tears pooled in Cailan’s eyes. He blinked rapidly, wetness trailing down his cheeks as he cleared his vision. “I’m a Companion. That is my purpose.”

“Are you upset that you failed to fulfil the purpose my father bought you for? That you failed to stop me from having intimate relationships with other human men?”

“No, of course not!” Cailan insisted. “He gave me to you. It doesn’t matter what he wanted. I’m yours and I serve you.”

“And you’ve done everything I’ve asked of you.”

"Yes, I—yes, of course," Cailan stammered, his breath catching. "You're right."

A weary sigh escaped Liam's lips, ruffling Cailan's hair. "Cailan, I'm not trying to talk you out of your feelings. I'm trying to understand them."

Silence stretched between them, broken only by their quiet breathing. Cailan's mind raced, searching for a solution, anything to bridge the gap he felt growing between them. His teeth worried at his lower lip, the slight pain a distraction from the ache in his chest.

"Maybe I could cut my hair," he whispered, his fingers twisting nervously in the long, golden strands. "I can't look as masculine as the men you prefer, but I could look a little less—"

"Cailan!" Liam's exclamation cut through the air like a whip crack as he abruptly sat up. His eyes, usually so warm and understanding, now blazed with an emotion Cailan couldn't quite name.

Instinctively, Cailan shrank back, his body curling in on itself. He knew that Liam would never strike him, but the desire to please his master, to make him happy, was so deeply ingrained that Liam's obvious displeasure felt like a physical blow.

"Cailan," Liam repeated, his voice softening like melting honey. His hand ghosted over Cailan's hair, the gentle touch sending shivers down Cailan's spine. "You're beautiful, okay? I love you how you are. You don't need to change."

Cailan's gaze drifted away, focusing on a point beyond Liam's shoulder. The tent seemed to blur around the edges, his vision swimming with unshed tears. "But you don't find me attractive," he whispered. "Not in that way."

"Don't tell me what I think," Liam chided, a hint of steel beneath the velvet of his tone.

"I—no, of course not, but—" Cailan stammered, his cheeks flushing hot with shame.

A long sigh escaped Liam’s lips, filled with a weariness that seemed to go bone-deep.  “When I was fifteen, I thought I had simple answers to complex problems. I thought, to figure out when you would be ready for the next step in our relationship, I could just look to what I had been doing at that age. A simple kiss on the lips at fourteen, heating up at fifteen, and so forth.”

Cailan nodded, a bittersweet ache blooming in his chest. He hadn't been ready for sex at that tender age, but oh, how he had yearned for Liam's kiss.

"But then I joined the military," Liam continued. "I was exposed to different ideas, and I realised nothing is ever that simple. Everyone is different, everyone grows up at their own pace, and a slave having his decisions made for him is extremely different from a free man exploring intimacy on his own terms. Was it right to put my hands on you at all? I was no longer so sure.”

“I thought you said…” Cailan started, then immediately flinched, expecting rebuke. When none came, he pressed on, his voice trembling. “You said that you would ask me. That my thoughts mattered most when it came to how you treated me.”

Liam's features contorted in a pained wince. “I did, didn’t I? And you’re right, of course. I should have stuck to that promise. But Cailan, you’re a Companion from your head to your toes to the depths of your very soul. How could I ask such a question when I never hear the word ‘no’ from your lips?”

"But..." Cailan started, his tongue darting out to wet his suddenly dry lips. The word hung in the air, unfinished, as deeply ingrained obedience won out over the urge to speak.

"Speak your mind.”

Cailan's chest rose and fell with a deep breath. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribcage as he forced the words out. "You do everything for me and ask so little in return. You spoil me with gifts, keep me safe, and see to my every need." His voice grew stronger with each word. "Is it not a little unfair to punish me for never telling you no when you give me no cause to?"

"Do you know how closely I've had to learn to watch you, sweetheart?" Liam asked. "I know you won't challenge me. Can you honestly claim that you would have said anything about the hurt you were feeling tonight if I hadn't pushed you?"

Cailan dropped his gaze. “I have no right. I belong to you, not the other way around.”

Liam reached out, his fingers gentle as they tilted Cailan's chin back up. Their eyes met, and Cailan felt as if Liam could see straight into his soul. “And as a Companion, you have no right to say no to any way in which your master wishes to use your body.”

Cailan found himself nodding, the movement almost automatic. It was simply the truth, a fact as fundamental to his existence as breathing.

“Tell me something, Cailan,” Liam said. “If we were to take advantage of this moment of privacy and do whatever it is that would satisfy you most, would that really change anything? If I did that, but then I was late tomorrow night because I was with Hamish, would you not be jealous?”

Cailan's gaze dropped to their intertwined hands, unable to meet Liam's piercing stare. He pressed his lips together, feeling the slight tremor in his lower lip. “No, I understand. You’re right. These feelings are… misplaced. I’m not sure my feelings would be any more appropriate if you had done things differently. I’ll try to…” Cailan trailed off, his shoulders lifting in a helpless shrug. The promise to correct himself died on his lips, feeling hollow after years of battling these same emotions with no success.

"Cailan?" Liam prompted gently, squeezing his hand.

Cailan took a shaky breath, the air seeming to catch in his lungs. When he exhaled, it came out as a trembling sigh. "I don't know what to do," he confessed. "I need your guidance. How can I stop feeling this way? This isn't how things are supposed to be."

“Sweetheart,” Liam murmured, leveraging himself up on his elbow. His free hand moved to Cailan's hair, fingers carding through the golden strands in a soothing rhythm. “This is my fault, not yours. Time and time again, I’ve taken the easy path. Worked with your training instead of pushing back against it. Why bother trying to convince you that you should share your feelings because I care about you when I can simply order you to do so? But now, here you are, caught in a confusing, tangled mess—more than a slave, but less than an equal, at least in your eyes." Liam's hand stilled in Cailan's hair, cupping the back of his head. "Showering you with love just isn't enough."

"Your love is always enough," Cailan said, his voice soft but fervent.

"Pretty words," Liam murmured, his lips curving into a sad smile. “I could buy another slave. Maybe even a woman, if I left the military. I could give you that—a relationship with someone of your choosing.”

"As long as I don't choose you," Cailan grumbled, unable to keep a hint of bitterness from seeping into his tone.

“That’s what I’m trying to understand,” Liam explained. “Since the day my father gave you to me, I’ve been your only prospect for a relationship of any kind." His hand moved to cup Cailan's cheek, thumb brushing away a stray tear. "Are any of these feelings truly about me, or do you just crave intimacy and commitment with someone?”