My heart’s beating so hard and fast, I might just have a heart attack from the concert itself and at seeing Jaeyong looking at me like that.

There’s more choreo to get through, and all five of us yell at the top of our lungs (along with the rest of the crowd), and then it’s time for a solo performance, little Kyungmin going up first.

An hour passes by in a flash, a shocking surprise when I check my phone, the beat of the music propelling me from excitement to sadness to the point where I find myself bawling my eyes out during one of the sad songs.

Aria’s the one with a pack of tissues in her bag, thrusting a few under my nose so I can fix my face, and I give her a smile in thanks. To my surprise, I find Maddie leaning her head on Jesse’s shoulder, hugging herself now that I don’t need the support anymore as the concert goes on. It’s weird to me that I can understand all the lyrics and the sentiments, and how Maddie, who clearly doesn’t understand the words, still mouths along to the best of her approximation and still feels the words.

I glance back to the stage, all six members singing the sad ballad (if that’s what they call it), making my throat tight. My nose stings as more tears leak out of my eyes.

It’s an emotional roller coaster after that, finishing up the solo performances and heading into the real party bangers that change the entire atmosphere as if the sad songs were never sung in the first place, every single person yelling out the lyrics to the rest of the songs until we’re all just waiting around for the encore, my heart rate yet to get under control.

“I’m so exhausted and energized at the same time. How can that happen, Raleigh?” Aria sighs, leaning heavily against Ayden, who rubs at her arms to keep her warm despite being in such a throng of people as the evening has turned into night. “This is crazy, absolutely crazy. My heart’s beating so fast.”

“Yeah, how do you think the both of us feel?” Maddie asks, pointing at me and sticking her own thumb in her chest. “I didn’t expect to react like that. Am I fangirling? Is that what is happening? Jesse? Am I fangirling over K-pop idols?”

Jesse shrugs, smiling at Maddie like she’s the light of his world, and damn it, I can’t wait to see Jaeyong. Cannot. Wait.

“Do we still stick around? Hoseung said it was the last song of the night.”

I wave her off. “There’s at least another three or four songs left. We just have to wait for them to get changed.”

“Oh my God, those costume changes. Ayden, you need to invest in crushed velvet, I’m just saying.” Ayden’s laugh is loud and obnoxious as he hugs her close, and there’s so much conversation happening all around us that no one really notices me having a hard time with my best friends being all loved up right in front of me.

My skin physically aches with the need to hold onto Jaeyong, and it takes more than a few cleansing breaths to let that pain dissipate as we all wait for the guys to come back on stage again, the screens lighting up with another short video made especially for the concert.

The last three songs of the night are more calming and happier than songs you’d get hyped to.

The difference is this: while the encore songs are all good to go to the gym to, giving you a boost to finish your sets, your reps, or those last few minutes on the treadmill or elliptical, these last few songs make you believe that the world is a better place, a happier place.

I sing along with Aria and Maddie, my eyes riveted to the stage, watching Jaeyong dance in front of the camera, pulling a dizzying spin and then going into a break-dancing move that has my heart in my mouth at the sudden drop and lift, and all I can do is blink and wonder if my eyes have deceived me.

God, he’s so good, so talented, such a hard worker and I really, really need this concert to be over, like, right now.

The last song of the night adds to the somberness of the evening, a song about saying goodbye for now and a promise to return at a future date. Kinda a lot like the three of us right now, our week ending.

Trickshot takes at least thirty minutes saying goodbye to every single section of the stadium, each member going to almost every single cardinal point of the stage waving goodbye and proclaiming their gratitude and love for the fandom, and it’s a lot and not enough all at once.

We’re all going back home tomorrow, back to our regularly programmed schedules, like Aria would say.

Fireworks erupt all over the place and then everything goes dark, and it’s time to leave the stadium, which does take forever because there are so many people leaving all at the same time.

We actually hang around near the barricade until my phone lights up with a message with nothing more than I can’t wait to see you.

When we’re back at Maddie’s apartment, Aria’s openly crying, I’m hanging on by a thread and Maddie’s completely given her back to us even though I can see her shoulders shaking as she cries quietly, not willing to let either of us see. Some things have changed, and others have not.

I let myself cry, too, but it’s Aria who’s pulling us all close together as we all come to terms with leaving.

“I feel like you guys just got here,” Maddie murmurs, sniffling hard, wiping at her face, swiping at her cheeks a little aggressively.

“And now you’re leaving and everything’s going to suck. Do you know how long I waited for you guys to come visit? Do you know for how long I was excited about this? Weeks and weeks and weeks and now it’s all over and this sucks. It sucks so bad, and the end of the concert was such a shit way to do it.”

“At least you’ll be able to say goodbye to each other tomorrow, unless by some miracle of miracles we’re going to be at the airport at the same time tomorrow, Aria,” I say, and she mumbles something about an early afternoon flight. I’m on an evening flight and I want as much time spent with Jaeyong as possible. This is it.

“It’s not goodbye forever,” Aria says, even though this feels a lot like us leaving Trudeau Airport a year ago, uncertain if we’d ever see each other again. “It’s not. I’m not going to let it be goodbye forever. I’m going to keep calling and emailing and messaging you assholes until I get an answer back, mark my words.”

It makes us laugh, even though they’re watery and kind of sad sounding.

“Yeah,” I say, trying to inject some confidence in my voice. “It’s not forever, it’s not. We can always come back here. What? We can.”

“We can make it a yearly trip,” Aria says, looking so determined that I would like to see anyone try to take away this vacation time from her, honestly, in the future. “I’m going to put it in my calendar, watch me. We’re doing this again next year, I don’t care. The dates might be different or whatever, but next summer, we’re coming back to London and we’re going to descend on Maddie and her life and maybe catch a real game, too.”

Maddie squawks. “That was a real game, even though it didn’t count for points! You saw me play a real game! Come on!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Aria says, smiling, but it’s sad and it doesn’t take her long to dissolve into tears again.

It takes another half an hour of saying our goodbyes, of me collecting my luggage and start to head out the door to the taxi that’s waiting to take me to Jaeyong (and Trickshot’s) hotel to spend the night. It’s close to one in the morning, but I don’t care, I’m sad and energized and every single emotion in between.

“Same time next year?” I ask, looking over my shoulder as I pull Maddie’s apartment door open.

“Yeah, sure,” Maddie says, looking an absolute mess, but I don’t feel bad about leaving her alone with Aria.

“Yeah, we will. Leave it all to me,” Aria says, putting an arm around Maddie’s waist and holding up the box of tissue for Maddie to pluck some out and deal with her snot situation.

“I love you guys,” I say, voice nothing more than a croak. “More than words can say.”

“Now she tells us,” Maddie says, shaking her head, crossing her arms over her chest, and trying to make her tall-ass frame even smaller by hunching forward and in. I want to go and give her a hug but choose to rip off the Band-Aid and say goodbye one last time before taking my luggage and practically running all the way down the stairs and into my taxi.

The drive to Jaeyong’s hotel isn’t long, and I’m greeted by one of the staff as I walk into the lobby, having apparently been given special instructions to guide me to Trickshot’s rented out floor so that we take the stairs for a longer portion than taking the elevator.

I say hello to some of the staff I recognize from before, bowing deeply and greeting them by names I remember, or titles if I don’t. I’m finally shown to Jaeyong’s room, one of the managers holding a bag full of food aloft for me to bring into him as soon as I knock the door.

Jesus Christ, why am I waiting?

I pull in a deep, deep breath, lift a shaky hand to the door and give it a perfunctory knock, trying to hold onto the plastic bag filled with Jaeyong’s food order, and hauling my luggage behind me by the telescopic thing.

My heart ticks away the time between my knock and the silence that stretches, and I wonder for a brief second if this is all a joke, if this is some kind of dream that I made up, a missing-Jaeyong-induced kind of hallucination where I’m not really here and still hours out from being reunited with my boyfriend again.

But then I hear the lock get thrown back and the door’s opening, and I’m holding my breath, waiting for the door to swing wide open. Jaeyong’s face is turned away from me, looking back into his room before finally turning dead center and seeing me standing there, looking at me with something like shock.

Jaeyong’s face breaks out into a smile, his eyes traveling over my frame, still wearing what I wore to the concert, adrenaline and love and longing all swimming in my veins.

“Raleigh-ssi,” he says, smile bigger than I’ve ever seen it. “I’ve missed you.”