As told by Dana Milton

Eli was walking up and down my living room, gesticulating like a maniac. I knew the day would come. I felt it in my bones since the very minute I heard Nathan had finally outsourced his affections. It was so obvious their little world would come crashing down in flames.

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I can’t believe I did it again. Again, after all these years! I promised– no, I swore I wouldn’t do it again! And to my best friend’s girlfriend, no less!”

“You mean viciously ripping people’s hearts apart with your unhinged tongue?” I asked, smiling. “Don’t be upset, man. That’s your thing. Be proud you haven’t lost your touch.”

He flipped me without even looking at me. I chuckled.

“What did she do to awaken the sassy beast from its slumber?”

He blushed, not with the respectable pink tint of honest embarrassment but with the incriminating crimson tone of shame.

“She… she made fun of my hair…” he stuttered, avoiding my gaze.

“What? No. No way. He made fun of that?” I said, pointing at his head. “Inconceivable. Unrelated, it’s a good thing you’re short, by the way. Otherwise, you’d be tangled in the ceiling fan by now.”

He ignored me completely and continued his reluctant confession.

“She also said my hoodie was tatty–”

I gasped audibly, clutching my chest.

“Oh, sweet baby Jesus in a stroller. Not the hoodie. And she used the word tatty? Scandalous.”

He finally abandoned the pretense of self-righteousness and spilled the beans.

“It’s not just the hoodie, Dana, for Christ’s sake!” he groaned. “She hates my guts, and I don’t know why! We’ve seen each other, what, like, two times?”

Oh, hell no. He was not getting himself or Nathan off the hook on my watch. That poor girl had inadvertently jumped into a pit of snakes and broken glass, and I was ready to advocate for her.

“Two times. Right. Mhm. And do tell me, how did that first meeting go again?”

He crossed his arms tightly, yanked his hips to one side, and glared at me. He could sass me all he wanted. I would not yield.

“I didn’t hear your answer,” I chanted, putting my hand behind my ear.

“Okay. Fine,” he said, looking deadly pissed. “I took over the conversation.”

“And…?”

“...And Nathan. Happy?”

“Darling, allow me to translate. It seems your hair’s so frizzy it’s numbing your memories. You didn’t take over the conversation and Nathan. You conducted a carefully orchestrated, brutal territory marking to put the girl in her place and show her what a tight grip you have on her boyfriend. You might as well have jumped on the table and peed all over Nathan.”

“Jesus Christ, you’re disgusting!”

“Disgustingly accurate, I’d say. And now, while the urine markings are still warm, you invited yourself to a couple’s intimate lunch date, right after spending all Friday night and Saturday morning with the guy!”

I laughed out loud, nearly choking on my popcorn. 

“Hey! Natei invited me to lunch!” he retorted, flustered.

“Of course he did; the poor guy has the social skills of a turtle,” I countered. “He’s clueless. But you sure as hell aren’t and still gladly accepted the invite.”

“Not gladly,” he muttered.

Oh, sweet Lord of Drama, watching over us from the Big Stage of Heaven. It was getting better and better.

“Oh my God, Eli, you hate her already?” I laughed, pressing my temples with both hands.

Eli turned away and grabbed his head.

“I don’t hate her, I just– it’s painful to watch.”

Okay. That was it. He had finally run out of self-deluding bullshit. If he was ready to be honest, I was ready to hear him out. 

“Seeing him with someone else hurts, uh?” I observed. “I understand that, but you have to admit it’s unfair, Eli. You’ve had, what, five hundred boyfriends?”

He turned to me. He was serious.

“It’s not that. I swear it’s not that,” he added hastily when he saw my expression, “It’s painful to watch her trying to connect with him and failing every time. They are both so awkward. It makes me feel… possessive, I think. I mean, I want to shake her and make her open her eyes and see that Natei is so easy to be with... it’s frustrating.”

“Frustrating,” I repeated, sarcastic. “So frustrating you can’t resist the urge to show her how it’s done, I suppose.”

“I didn’t mean any harm,” he whimpered. I was having none of it.

“You never do. But allow me to remind you, handsome, that you yourself have a boyfriend, and thus you’re treading on very contradictory ice here.”

“Oh. No. Not anymore. No boyfriend, I mean,” he answered, uncomfortable. “Alec and I broke up.”

I almost dropped my bowl of popcorn. Oh, dear. Their little world was crashing down in flames indeed. 

“What happened?” I asked, sincerely surprised. Alec had been the one guy that seemed to catch up on their weird dynamics and found a way to handle it without hurting anybody. I was convinced he was there to stay.

“Well, he proposed…”

Oh!

“...with a condition.”

Oh.

He could have stopped talking right there. I knew the rest of the story by heart.

“Say no more. The good ol’ ‘Nathan or me,’ uh?”

He nodded. He sat down on the couch and sighed.

“I don’t understand. You told me you guys argued about you spending too much time with Nathan, but you always worked it out. How did things get to the point of an ultimatum? And in the middle of a proposal, Jesus Christ in drag! What was he thinking?”

“He stayed over and brought up the idea of marriage, and we got talking about how our lives would change if we tied the knot. All hypotheticals, you know, that kind of typical long-term-relationship conversation all couples have. We talked about housing arrangements, pets, financial aspects… and then he mentioned Nathan.”

I held my breath. The tea was so juicy I was getting dizzy.

“What about Nathan?” I asked, totally invested in the story. “Unless you were discussing the possibility of adopting him as your oversized child, I don’t see how he fits in that kind of conversation.”

“He confessed he always thought that something had happened between us at some point. That certain things we did and said were way too intimate for just friends. And then he said that if we ever were to get married, he’d like to know the truth on that aspect. So he could make a completely educated decision.”

I hesitated. I understood where Alec was coming from, but I also thought he had brought doom upon himself. Had it been me, I would have just accepted Eli with Nathan, no questions asked about the past, present, or future. That was the only thing any potential partner could do if they wished to stay long-term. I was surprised the guy hadn’t realized that after two whole years.

“So, let me guess. He forced you into a full confession and heard something he didn’t like,” I said, shaking my head. “I can think of at least fifty problematic anecdotes.”

“I told him everything. He got kind of intense about it; I had never seen him like that. He asked a ton of questions. And when I told him about the time Nate and I kissed, he was in shock.”

I flinched. This time I did drop the popcorn bowl.

“Wait. Wait a minute. You guys kissed?” I said, confused. “When? How? You never told me about it.”

“I never thought much of it, Dana,” he answered, shrugging. “He got drunk at a Christmas party. I took him home. When I put him to bed, he reached out and kissed me. He didn’t remember anything in the morning.”

“Okay. Okay, fair enough. Now tell me, was that the only kiss that transpired before he fell asleep?”

Eli blushed and fidgeted. I began to see why Alec had freaked out.

“No bullshit, Eli,” I warned. “Remember, I can see right through you.”

“I was surprised at first, so I didn’t push him away immediately, and then I got a bit carried away,” he admitted, eyes fixed on the floor. “He kept kissing me. I didn’t stop him. We talked about some stuff and then we went to sleep.”

“Did he sleep on the couch as always?”

“...No.”

I grabbed my head.

“Jesus, Eli.”

“I couldn’t help myself,” he whined, with an air of guilty desperation. “Nothing else happened, just the kissing. I told you, he didn’t remember any of it in the morning.”

“But what if he had?” I asked, excited. “What would you have done if he remembered?”

“I probably would have asked him out or something,” he admitted. “But then he woke up, remembered nothing of it, left, and I got so upset I…”

He hesitated.

“You what? Go on!”

“I called Alec and asked him out on a date.”

I gasped. Poor, poor Alec. Imagine discovering your entire relationship developed only because your significant other was on the rebound after some guy didn’t remember kissing him. And to add insult to injury, that guy was your partner’s best friend. And you were forced to interact with him. Every. Single. Day.

“Did you tell all that to Alec?” I asked, dismayed.

“I tried not to, but he kept asking question after question and I suppose he put the rest together himself. He didn’t say much after that. We went to sleep, and next morning he proposed. But he added the ultimatum before I could answer.”

“Holy shit. This is so twisted. Did he have a ring?”

“Yeah.”

“Then he was already planning to propose. I guess he was taken aback by the new intel and made a drastic decision in the heat of the moment. Unfortunate, to say the least. I get where he was coming from, but he could have dealt with it differently.”

“Whatever. Good riddance,” replied Eli, frowning. “Fat chance I’d ever choose a boyfriend over Nathan. A diamond is not gonna change that at all.”

“Was it a big one?”

“It was a big, fat rock,” he admitted with a smirk. “But still.”

We laughed a bit. But I couldn’t help to address the elephant in the room before it crushed us under its weight.

“I have to say, Eli, you’re taking it weirdly well for a person who should be mourning the loss of a two-year relationship, crowned by a big, fat diamond,” I remarked. “You seem more upset about Amanda.”

He glared at me.

“Your levels of dickishness are off the charts today.”

“Hey, don’t blame me! You are the one who dissed Mr. Perfect for your best friend, and then got into a deathmatch over his attention… with the dude’s girlfriend,” I said, pointing at him. “I think it’s pretty clear your emotional stability depends solely on one person, and I think it’s time you cut the crap and stop calling him your bestie.”

Eli was silent for a few moments. Oh, my God. I could almost hear the cogs twisting and turning in his head. 

“Fine,” he said at last, with a deep sigh of defeat. “I love him, okay? I’m in love with him. I’ve loved him since high school. Happy?”

To be perfectly honest, happy was not exactly it. I was astounded, surprised, flabbergasted –you name it, about the fact that for the first time in their shared history, one of them was finally owning up to their feelings. It happened here first on my very own couch, ladies and gentlemen.