Thud. Thud. Thud. Lanaya banged her head repeatedly against the kitchen cupboard. The occasional plip of the dripping tap offered an accompaniment to the sad muffled thuds. She sat on the kitchen floor in total darkness, tears trickling down her cheeks.  She clutched a tea towel tightly in her left hand as the blood from a small gash on her palm slowly spread through the whiteness of the tea towel like a grim tie dye. The culprit? A mug she bought to mark an anniversary; it now lies in pieces in the sink, broken. The black and white image of the couple in a loving embrace was shattered. Unlike the Japanese art Kintsugi where broken objects are mended and the cracks painted gold, the mug was beyond repair, much like Lanaya’s heart. 

On the way back home Lanaya thought about what had happened and realised she did not want to fight. In fact, despite how her conversation with Delroy ended, she had no intention of continuing the dispute. Fatigued from work and worn out from overthinking, Lanaya just wanted to know what happened and move on. She did not expect an apology as lately, any disagreement between them would just end with neither party accepting the blame even if there was one who was clearly at fault. 

When Lanaya arrived home she was greeted by two grubby kids, mouths smeared in tomato sauce and no evidence that they were getting ready for bed. 

She stooped down and hugged them both, planting a kiss gently on each of their foreheads.

‘Sorry I could not come and get you today but did you have fun with Aunty Carol?’

The twins nodded. 

‘That’s good. I hope you both have been good for Daddy. Where is he?’

‘Playing’, Kayla said pointing to the living area.

‘I want to eat my pizza’, Kylo said, attempting to wriggle out of his mother’s embrace.

‘Okay go finish eating, then we need to get ready for bed okay?’ Lanaya stood up and walked towards the living area to greet her husband.

‘Hey I’m back. The kids-’

‘Before you moan about the kids, I fed them. I didn’t get around to the bedtime stuff, but that’s your job as they prefer you doing it anyway.’ Delroy cut Lanaya off with his curt remarks. He continued to play his game and made no effort to turn and face her.

‘I was not going to complain’, Lanaya responded defensively. ‘I was trying to tell you that the kids said they had fun, despite it being a longer day than usual’.

Lanaya rolled her eyes and shook her head. ‘Seriously! Why do you cut me off like that?’

She walked to stand in front of the TV blocking Delroy’s view. ‘Hey! Can you atleast look at me when I’m talking to you?  And what do you mean it’s my job.’ 

Lanaya could feel the anger she tried to suppress building up. Her hope for no confrontation was dashed by a few bitter words that fell all too easily from the lips that used to shower her with kisses and sweet words. 

Delroy kissed his teeth. ‘Move before I move you.’

Lanaya’s head cocked back in disbelief. ‘You’ll move me? Humph! I’d like to see you try.’

Delroy finally put down the controller and stood up in front of Lanaya. His six foot four inches towered over her five foot five frame. Not to be intimidated, Lanaya stood her ground and looked Delroy clean in the face. 

Suddenly Lanaya lurched forward, losing balance from the impact of two little humans running to hug her legs from behind. Instead of helping to steady her with both hands, Delroy put up his arm defensively as if he was blocking a punch and caught Lanaya in the lip with his forearm. 

‘Waaaahhhh!’,  a loud bawling erupted from one of the twins. ‘Daddy hit Mummy.’,  Kylo said in fits of tears. 

In seeing her brother cry, Kayla joined in as well, creating a cacophony of weeping and wailing that even the most seasoned parents would have a hard time dealing with. 

‘Aggh, would you shut it!’ Delroy spat. 

There was a brief silence before the twins continued crying louder and more uncontrollable than before. 

Lanaya dabbed at her lip checking for blood before stooping down again in an attempt to console the crying twins. 

‘Hush hush. It’s alright mummy is fine. It was an accident.’

Lanaya’s voice was drowned out by the wailing as she continued in vain to comfort the distressed twins. 

She tilted her head towards Delroy and whispered harshly, ‘We do not talk like that in front of the kids.’

Delroy’s face was darkened with anger but said nothing more and headed towards the front door.

‘Whe…where are you going?’, Lanaya asked desperately, pushing herself up to her feet. ‘You’re gonna leave now?’

Delroy picked up his coat and keys in cold silence and walked out slamming the door behind him. 

Lanaya could feel the panic rising within her as her breath caught in her chest. She tried to force herself to focus on consoling the kids but the realisation that she was left alone to manage the kids, in a house that looked like a tornado whipped through it was enough to tear down the last of her efforts keeping her tears at bay. 

Big sobs started to wrack her trembling body. Her wails drowned out that of her kids as she fell to her knees. Seeing their mother distraught, the twins stopped their crying and tried their utmost to provide comfort in the best way their three-year-old selves could muster, hugging her tightly and burying their wet faces in her lap. 

Lanaya’s heart ached from seeing her kids so affected by her tears that she tried to regain her composure. She knew she was not in a good state of mind but could not leave them like this so she slid her phone out her pocket to call her mum. Wiping her face profusely as she waited for her mother to answer the phone, Lanaya took a moment before speaking to minimise her voice breaking over the phone. However Lanaya could barely speak and croaked out a ‘Mama’ before she broke down all over again. 

After a little while peace could be found in the house. Lanaya’s mother had arrived and worked wonders settling the twins and straightening up the house. 

Lanaya took the opportunity to take a shower in the hope that she’d wash away the sadness she felt. 

Clothed in cotton pyjamas and a fluffy robe, Lanaya went back to the living room and sat down. A face of grave concern was looking back at her but did not yet say a word. 

‘What is it mum? I’m sure you have something to say.’

Lanaya's mother paused and walked over to sit next to her daughter who was trying very hard to wear a brave face. She rested her hand on Lanaya’s knee and looked at her lovingly but still very concerned. 

‘Lanaya, what is going on baby girl? I have not seen you like this since…’ she paused and looked away briefly, mouth slightly agape trying to find the right words to say.

‘What? Since I lost the baby’, Lanaya said bluntly.

‘Ahh sweetheart you know  I’m just worried about you. You’ve been losing weight, and looking so tired lately. I didn’t want to say anything before but…’ Lanaya’s mother hesitated, unsure of whether to continue.

‘Go on then’, Lanaya urgered.

‘Don’t you think you should see someone? I don’t think you really dealt with what happened properly and now with you and Delroy…I’m concerned’.

Lanaya got up suddenly. 

‘Mum I’m fine. Thank you for helping with the kids. I’m okay now. You don’t need to hang about, I know you have work tomorrow.’ 

‘Lanaya, please listen to me. You know we tend to shy away from these sorts of things. That’s why so many of us are messed up. But please, I don’t think you should ignore this.’

‘Mum, I’m tired. I’m just going to make a hot drink then head to bed.’

‘Let me make it for you then’, Lanaya’s mother offered.

‘No mum is okay’, Lanaya said, ushering her mother towards the front door. 

Her mother’s eyebrows furrowed deeply with worry. ‘I don’t want to force you but think about what I’ve said. I’ll check on you tomorrow,’ she said gently, touching  Lanaya’s cheek.  She picked up her coat and stood by the door reluctant to leave but Lanaya continued to edge her mother towards the door and grabbed the door handle indicating it was time for her to leave. 

‘Bye baby girl.’

‘Bye mum.’ Lanaya quickly closed the door without looking towards her mother knowing she would probably break down again. She felt sick. A queasiness was rising within her stomach further draining her. She unsteadily made her way to the kitchen still fighting back tears. 

Lanaya left the main lights off and moved around in the dimly lit kitchen. She shuffled slowly towards the kettle to fill it with water. She reached for a mug in the cupboard above her head but accidentally toppled another over. She quickly reached out for it before it fell out completely but she was not quick enough to stop it from knocking its rim against the counter causing a chip. 

Frustrated she examined the mug in the darkness walking towards the sink where it was lighter. She was just about able to make out the black and white image of herself and Delroy embracing, surrounded by a heart shaped border of entwined pink and red roses on the mug. Lanaya choked up, seeing an image of a past that felt so foreign to her. How long ago was that? When was the last time they embraced like that? The longer she stared at the mug the more distraught she felt. In a fit of rage grabbed the mug with both hands and slammed it into the sink. Lanaya grabbed one of the shards to fling it across the room and in doing so cut her palm. A warm red liquid slowly dripped into the sink, mixing with the droplets of water. ‘What am I doing?’ She grabbed a tea towel that was by the side of the sink to stem the bleeding from her throbbing hand. What was greater, the pain in her hand or the pain in her heart? Lanaya, overcome by despair, closed her eyes and slid down to the floor in anguish.