Derrick's death put a new urgency on my coming out. I kept thinking about how James was being kept in the dark by Derrick's parents, and although I was angry at them for being like that, I couldn't really blame them: After all, Derrick had been keeping them in the dark about James for years. How could they be expected to react when this guy they didn't even like started coming around saying 'Oh, by the way, I've been fucking your son for years, so how about you tell me what happened to him?'

And knowing James, that is exactly how he would make the demand.

I shuddered at the thought.

Most importantly though, I did not want Troy to ever have to go through something like that.

My only problem was with bringing it up. For weeks, every time I was alone with Mom & Dad, I wanted to tell them but just couldn't bring myself to. All of my anxieties and insecurities, and those dire warnings Bruce had given me, kept coming into my head and I'd chicken out. I was worried that I would never get up the bravery to tell them.

Then, one July Saturday, near Dad's birthday, he made the decision for me. I had been at their house and Dad was drinking. He was getting bored sitting at home, so when I announced that I was leaving he asked me to drive him to his best friend Al's daughter's apartment. She lived in my building. Al was there visiting her, so Dad wanted to go drink with them. I agreed to drive him over.

We got into my car and were on our way when Dad reached ahead and turned the stereo down. This didn't surprise me, as he did not share my love of Judas Priest. What he said next certainly did, though.

"Could you pull over for a minute?"

"What? Why, are you going to barf? You'd better not barf in my Thunderbird!"

"No, it's not anything like that. I just want to talk to you and I don't want you to be driving while we talk."

Uh oh. No good could come from this. I pulled into the parking lot for the beach, right across from our apartment building. I shut the car off and waited. Dad sat staring through the windshield.

"Do you think Troy might be gay?" He finally asked.

My heart started pounding.

"Um, probably", I said.

Dad sat there still staring ahead through the windshield and nodded. I knew what was coming next, and I was dreading it more than anything I had ever faced. I could feel the moisture leaving my mouth. Sure enough:

"Are you?"

This was it.

A million thoughts entered my head at once. Dad had always been very strict, and even though he was older and less intense, I was still very much afraid of him. I was also thinking about all of the homophobic comments I'd heard from him and my mother, not to mention from my siblings. I was remembering them ridiculing Chaz back when I was a young teenager, and I was remembering every mean thing I had ever heard them say about gay singers, gay movie stars, gay TV characters, and the like.

My heart felt like it was trying to hack its way out of my chest, and it was going to break every rib trying. Tears started trickling out of the corners of my eyes. Even while remembering all of those things, I knew I had to do it. I could not lie anymore. This was who I was, and they would have to accept it. If they didn't... well, I didn't want to think about that. I gathered up every bit of courage that I had. I fought back the tears and looked at him.

It was going to be now, or it would be never. I gathered myself up and stuck my chin out.

"Absolutely", I said.

Dad nodded again and sat there staring ahead for what seemed like an eternity. I looked away and was waiting for a reaction. Any reaction at all. I was fearing the worst, but he just sat there in silence, staring ahead. I could hardly bear to look at him, but finally I did.

To my great surprise, there was a tear in his eye. He finally looked at me and said:

"Ok, we kind of thought so. We still love you, and we always will. We're proud of how you turned out, and we're so happy that you've met somebody that makes you happy."

You could have knocked me out with a feather. "You thought so? But why..."

"Carmen, your mother and I aren't stupid. We've always suspected. Ever since you were a kid you've never shown any interest in girls at all. Every time somebody tried to get you interested you always had an excuse. When you moved in with that Bruce guy your sister started really pushing the possibility. We didn't like him much, he just seemed dishonest to us, but he seemed to make you happy. We were relieved when he moved out, but by the way you reacted when he moved out we were pretty sure that you were more than just roommates. But we really, really knew, when you met Troy. The difference that came over you was like night and day. Every time you looked at him you were shining. You still look at him like that, and he looks at you the same way. You guys aren't exactly subtle. We have never seen you looking so happy."

I couldn't believe my ears. Had I really spent my entire post-pubescent life fearing this moment?

"So... You're really Ok with it? You and Mom? With me? With Troy? With me being gay?"

"Of course we are. You're our son. We'll always love you, no matter what."

I was still in disbelief. I let out a huge sigh and started sobbing. "Oh my God, I wish I had known that sooner!"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you have any idea how hard my life has been, hiding who I was from my family? How hard it was to grow up thinking that I was some kind of abomination, that something was wrong with me? Even when I figured out that there wasn't, that I was perfectly normal, I was terrified that you guys would disown me or kick me out. I've wanted to tell you for years, but I was always afraid to. I've been living a double life since my teens. Even after I moved out I couldn't tell you because I was afraid I'd lose all of you."

Dad was now sobbing as well. "I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry that we've failed you for so long. You should never have had to be afraid of something like that, and I'm sorry that we made it so that you felt like you had to be."

"It's not your fault. It wasn't just you guys, Dad. It's everybody. It's this whole fucking world. All my life, from every side, I've heard that the way I feel is wrong. Dirty. Evil. That I was going to hell. That I should be put to death. I just... I don't know. It's just so overwhelming to find out that the biggest fear I've ever had, the cause of all of my pain and anxiety for my whole life, the worry that I was going to lose everyone that I cared about, was all made up in my head."

"I'm sorry", Dad said.

"No, don't be sorry. I am so glad that we finally had this talk. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I am just so God-damned relieved. And I'm just so happy that I don't have to hide my love for Troy anymore. Because I do love him, Dad. I love him just as much as you love Mom. I'm so glad to be able to say that now. Thank you."

Dad was staring ahead again, tears still streaming from his eyes. He said "Well, I'm glad we had this talk too, but we really should be going."

"Yeah", I said, and started the car.

I drove across to the apartment building parking lot and parked the car. We got out, and he said "I'll get your mother to pick me up. Thanks for the ride, son."

He started walking toward the other end of the building, where his friend's daughter lived. I went downstairs and into my apartment. Troy was sitting in the living room. He looked at me and a concerned expression came across his face.

"What's wrong with you?", He asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am on top of the world!"

"But you look like you've been crying."

"Oh, I certainly have. But I have news. Big news. Earth-shattering news."

"What? What is it?"

"I came out."

"What?"

"I came out. To my father. Just now."

"Holy fuck, really? How did that go?"

I told Troy the whole story.

"Wow. That's crazy", he said. "I just hope..."

"What? You hope what?"

"Well, you said that he was drunk. I just hope that he remembers the conversation."

I hadn't even thought about that. I suddenly had doubts, but then I thought.

"No, I could tell he's been thinking about it. And he said that he, mom, and my sister had been talking about it. I think he'll remember."

"Hopefully..."

I was in a gleeful daze for the rest of the evening. Even if Dad forgot, I would be sure to let them all know. I was finished hiding. It was time to be me.

I got my answer as to whether or not Dad had forgotten first thing the next morning, in the form of a phone call from my sister.

"Hello?"

"You. Fucking. BASTARD!"

"What? What's the matter?"

"You told Dad that you're gay!"

I felt a shiver. Maybe this wasn't going to go as smoothly as I had hoped.

"Yes, I did. I am. I’m not ashamed of it. Troy is not my roommate, he's my boyfriend, and I am very, very gay. Deal with it."

"What? No, you dimwit, I'm not upset that you're gay. I've known that for years! I'm mad that you told him!"

"And why shouldn't I tell him?"

"Because you should have told me first! I thought we were close! Why in the world would you not tell me before you told him?"

I had to laugh. "Let me get this straight. You mean to say you've known for years that I was gay, and you're upset that I told Dad before I told you?"

"Yes! Why would you do that?!?"

I told her the truth.

"Because he asked, Heather. Because he asked."

************************

There used to be a joke about how to spread information quickly. It was a dumb joke, and in today's world it would be considered sexist, but here it is:

Q: What's the best way to tell the world about something?

A: Telegraph, Telephone, and Tell A Woman.

The reason I'm telling this joke is because I'd like to add a fourth method: Tell an Earl. If I had previously wondered whether Dad would remember my coming out to him because of his being drunk, I needn't have worried. Within two days everyone with any connection to our family knew. Brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, neighbours, hunting buddies, casual acquaintances – everyone. I could not believe how quickly the news had spread.

I was put off a little bit because it made me the 'Talk of the town' for a few days, but I was also relieved. Relieved because it had saved me the trouble of telling everyone, and relieved because the experience was 100% positive. I can honestly say that I did not have a single negative reaction to the news. Some people were surprised, some people had suspicions, but everyone was 100% supportive.

Coming out was the single most scary, difficult, and important thing I have ever done. For the first time ever, I was truly and unconditionally happy. I had a loving boyfriend, a supportive family, a successful career, and an awesome network of friends. I had absolutely nothing to hide anymore. No more 'roommate'. No more double life. No more fear of dying alone. I had finally made it in life, and I was truly on top of the world.

It took me until the age of 28 to do it, but I did it.

I realize that not everyone will have the same positive experience, but even still, if I might offer some advice to anyone who finds themselves in my situation or something similar, it is this:

Be yourself.

You will be a better person for it. It is a far easier experience now than it was when I was young. People today have access to resources that I couldn't have dreamed about: The internet, social media, support groups, and a society that is much more open to different sexualities than it was in the 1980's and 1990's.

That being said, I would never recommend doing so without having a Plan B in place. No matter how secure you think you may be, something may go wrong, and you must be prepared for this. When I came out I was 28 years old, living in an apartment with my boyfriend and both of us were independent. If my experience had been bad I may have lost family and/or friends, but I would have been safe. You might experience rejection, eviction (or, for youth, getting kicked out of your house), or even violence. Never put yourself in a dangerous situation. Make sure that you have an escape plan if you need it, whether it be a friend's place you can stay at or some help that can come if you're in danger.

You must also be prepared for any emotional fallout. Outright rejection by friends and family still happens, and even people who seem OK might suddenly start finding reasons to not be around you. It will hurt. You have to be prepared to accept this. Some people might come around eventually, some may never accept you at all. This will undoubtedly be sad but there is one very important thing to keep in mind when dealing with people like this:

If people reject you when they find something out about you, then they never did accept you.

They accepted a lie, a version of you that was fake, their ideal version of you. The really important people, the ones who really love you and who are worthy of your love, will accept you no matter what. Living a lie and denying yourself happiness is not a price worth paying for the artificial love of friends and family.