Chapter 5 {Here for you}

The sky looks especially gloomy today. It feels like the winds getting colder with each step I take. A new car is in Lina’s driveway today. Could it be lucky boyfriend number….?

The door swings open and out flys Will yelling about god knows what. A few short seconds after Lina follows, yelling even louder. I grab the headphones from my pocket deciding to tune them out. That is until Will grabs me by my arm, yanking me back into an unnecessary forced hug.

My headphones fall from my ears straight into the mud. “See you don’t even care where your brother runs off to, no wonder why he’s so closed off.” Closed off?

“So now this is about Mazz? Real mature Will change the subject to deflect from your own problems.” His grip loosens and he shoves me to the ground. Lina doesn’t seem to mind though. She hasn’t even looked over at me, all of her focus is on him.

I pat the dirt off before heading inside to pack my bags. I can’t do this again, not with her.

By the time I step back out, they’re still arguing. A few concerned neighbors peek out of their houses to see what’s happening. I make it all the way down the driveway without Lina noticing my exit.

A raindrop falls right into my eye. I flip up my hood when it starts raining more. What am I supposed to do now?

At this point it’s pouring down hard. I’m surprised I managed to make it to Carson’s before getting drenched. He’s not home yet, I guess his interview is running a little long. Being left alone with my thoughts is never good. I always try to distract myself as best I can but-

I should be used to this by now.

I should’ve known better.

I’m useless

Invisible

Nobody loves me

Nobody cares

Why am I here

                      Why am I alive

                                           Maybe if I just go back

You can’t go back don’t be stupid

                                   Stop telling yourself lies

You’re a fool, did you really think things would be any different.

                        Stop overthinking.

                                                  Push it down

                 I can’t…

                                Useless

                                                   Brat

You should just die

    Everything would be better if you were dead

Die

                                Die

             Die

                                                                      Die

                                             Die

You’re just like her

                   Did you think you were any different 

Stop it

                 Even your parents don’t love you

The slightest inconvenience and they push you

                                       away

Go away

                            Go away

                                                         Go away

Shut up

               Shut up

                               Shut up

                                               SHUT UP

                                                                  SHUT UP

                                               SHUT UP

                           SHUT UP

      SHUT UP

                         SHUT-

“Mazz?” Carson touches my shoulder and I instinctively smack his hand away. “WHAT?” His eyes widen, I hate that look. Don’t look at me like that. “Don’t look at me with pity.”

“Mazz…” he reattempts to touch me but I smack his hand away again. “Stop it” I half yell, my voice giving out. “I hate it.”

His arms wrap around me so fast I feel like I can’t breath. It gets worse when he decides to rest his head on top of mine. “Let go.”

“No.”

“Please go away.”

“I can’t do that.”

“I HATE YOU!” I try my hardest to kick him and push him away. Banging on his chest doesn’t work. He’s built like a brick wall. Even brick walls aren’t as sturdy as he is.

“I know I know. It’s ok I hate you too.” He pats my head as if I’m some sort of pet. “I’m not a cat Carson.” He twines his fingers through my hair, moving through every strand gently.

“Really? Cause I’ve heard you meow before.”

“Yeah at other cats.”

“Pretty sure that qualifies you as a cat.”

“I hate you.” He releases me from his grasp, looking straight into my eyes, smiling.

“No you don’t.” I can’t help but grit my teeth at him. He lifts a hand to rub under my eye. I hadn’t noticed until now, but I’ve been crying this entire time. “Don’t do that.” Carson takes his hand to wipe my other eye.

“Why?”

“B-because I don’t like it.” He moves his hand away and for some reason I start crying more. “Mazz…please don’t-“

“No don’t look at me.” I throw my bag in his face, kind of, he catches it before it can hurt him.

“Why does everyone hate me Carse.”

“Not everyone Mazz.” He leans his forehead against mine, slowly caressing my cheek with his thumb. “Not me.”

For a long while we stay just like this. The only sound that can be heard is the rain pitter patting against the pavement. Carson’s breathing patterns calm me. I place my hand against his chest to feel the rhythm of his heart. Slow, steady, warm.

He’s always so attentive towards me. Even when I’m cruel towards him. “Thank you.” Carson lifts his head up slightly to look at me properly. “Hm?” He makes a funny expression when he quirks an eyebrow.

“Thank you weirdo.”

“Always.” Carse takes me by the hand, lifting me up. We were sitting for so long my legs started cramping. It takes me a minute to balance myself out.

I go to pick up my bag but Carson’s already bending down to get it. “I can do it myself Carson.”

“I know, but what type of best friend would I be if I didn’t do these things for you, hm?” Ew he’s doing that creepy smile again. As he turns to unlock the door, something stirs inside me. A weird sinking feeling begins to take form in my chest. Maybe I cried too much.

Carson almost falling through the door is what snaps me back into reality. “Someone should put steps here.”

“Dumbass.”