I felt my stomach tighten and a cold ran through me. I was going to be sick. The sun was high in the sky now and the smell of hot putrid flesh was potent. The highway in front of us had a few dozen cars strewn about, some with corpses still inside and others on the ground bubbling and cooking on the concrete. I turned away from the sight and found myself heaving. Jay seemed unbothered. I found myself on my knees gripping the damp grass trying not to vomit. I couldn't afford to let any calories go to waste, food was too scarce. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing. I felt something tap my cheek. I squinted, scared that if I opened my eyes all the way that somehow it would make me lose the little control I had on my guts right now. I opened my eyes a little more when I realized what it was. Jay was handing me an N95 mask. I took it and put it on. The smell was practically gone. I gave myself a second to recuperate. I got up off my hands and knees and closed my eyes for another moment and took another breath. Ok, just don’t look too hard. The smell was the worst part so it should be manageable now. 

I turned back around to face the highway again. Jay was standing there with one thumb resting underneath the bag strap, staring at me. Oh, right.

“Um, thank you… for the mask…” He had no reaction.

“It would be a problem if I had to carry both you and this bag down the road, so this seemed better.” I clenched my jaw and tried to keep my eye from twitching. I swear to god, I shouldn't have even bothered thanking him. He started walking onto the highway, and I watched from behind for a little bit with my bag still over his shoulder. It felt weird to be travelling without having my stuff with me, I mean yeah Jay was holding on to it but I still felt naked somehow.  It gave off the similar feeling as when I used to have my phone on me all the time, and then suddenly put it down somewhere and couldn't remember where I had left it. 

I followed after Jay, thankful for the mask as we started weaving through dead bodies and wrecked cars. I couldn't help but wonder when this pileup happened, if it all happened all at once or if as more people tried to escape to safer areas they just kept piling up. There was no way to find the answer now, so I suppose it doesn't matter.  I had been mindlessly walking over and going around the corpses, but I found myself pause as I saw a small hand peeking out from underneath a car. It was discoloured and definitely rotting, but I could still tell despite that, by its size, that was a child. I bit my bottom lip. It was so much nicer back at the campsite, I knew the reality of what it probably was like out here, but I don't think I let myself think about it for too long for this very reason. I didn't want to see this, why did I have to see this? 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and a small shake of my body, I blinked and looked up. I didn't realize but my eyes had been dampened and the moment I blanked the few tears that have been forming get down and soaked into the top of the mask. Jay was looking down at me, and it took me a second to realize he was talking to me. I couldn't tell what he was saying though, all I could think was, I need to go back.  I pulled away from him without thinking and just started running back into the forest. It was safe there, it was comfortable there, I want to go back.

I felt myself suddenly get yanked back by my shoulder, the collar of my hoodie dug into my neck and cut off my breathing for a second. I braced myself to hit the ground, but I never did. Instead I found myself being held bridal in Jay's arms. I pushed on his chest While tears streamed down my face and continue to soak into the mask.

“Let me go I need to go back! Just let me go back!” My voice was cracking and I felt myself hyperventilating, I just wanted to be safe again, I just wanted to be comfortable again. He put me down but still held one arm around me, and put his now other free hand up against my mouth, and golfing my face.

“Shhh, they’ll hear you.” He whispered into my ear, I froze and tried to control my breathing through my nose. At first I didn't hear anything, but then my eyes widened and I felt my body go stiff.  I could hear groaning in the distance, it was very faint but it was definitely more than one. He could tell that I noticed and heard it too. “I told you there was a horde not too far out,  now just be good and come with me.”  I didn't want to believe it, I just wanted to go back.  I wanted to go back to my routine, fishing and foraging, making a fire, cooking. I wanted to go back to just living. I knew I was being irrational, but all I could think was I still wanted to go back. 

I found myself pushing on him again to get out of his grip,  but I was still keeping quiet not to alert the horde. My actions were contradicting themselves, I wanted to get away but I also knew what waited for me if I went back. I heard Jay sigh and suddenly found myself thrown over his shoulder, being held by my legs. I found myself hitting his back, morning to be let go of but still keeping quiet. “You can be upset all you want, and I'm still taking you with me.  also, keep your eyes closed until I tell you you can open them again.” It didn't take long before I got tired out, and just gave up. 

For some reason my brain delayed processing what he had told me. Once we made it back to the highway I closed my eyes, realizing why he told me that. Did he just want me to not have that reaction again?  Despite my brief curiosity, I decided not to try and decipher his motives. At this point we still only met about half a day ago and their first interaction he was intending to steal all of my food and probably all of my supplies. I did not feel inclined to be generous in my assumptions around his motives for doing anything.  more than likely, I was just a bigger pain in the ass to him while I was particularly emotionally-charged.

Somehow, whether from emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion, or a mix of both, I fell asleep while over his shoulder like that. 

I woke up to the smell of something savoury, and the sound of bubbling liquid. I cracked open my eyes slightly, expecting sunlight. Instead I just saw the  familiar flickering glow of orange and yellow coming from the corner of my eye. I turned over to my side to see crackling fire, the warmth radiating towards me and warming my face. On top of it was my pot that I always used to cook with, I could see the occasional spurt of liquid from whatever was inside bubbling away. “Morning sleeping beauty.”  I flinched, before remembering that, right, I wasn't alone. I didn't respond and just groaned, turning back around and shoving my face into my pillow.  Oh, he put my pillow under my head, and I was in my sleeping bag. I felt my cheeks grow flush with heat. Which only got worse when my stomach let out a thundering growl. I really hoped he hadn't heard it but- “I'm not letting any of this go to waste so if you don't eat some I'm going to eat the rest.” 

I grumbled under my breath before sitting up. I could feel the frown on my brow but didn't bother to try and mask it. I was irritated. 

“Why are you doing all this?” I asked, after looking down and seeing a bowl of hot soup already made for me.

“Doing all what?” He asked, his words slightly garbled by the food in his mouth.

“Like putting me in my sleeping bag, even the pillow? And now this food?” I just didn't understand the point of it all for him. He looked surprised as he seemed to be holding back a laugh.

“Did you want me to just leave you on the damp forest floor?” I blinked.

“No, I mean, that's not what I meant- I mean if you're just planning to sell me off to whoever can give you the best offer, why are you even bothering about my well-being?” He stared at me for a moment, as if asking if I was serious. Somehow that made me even more irritated then I already was.

“Feeding you, and making sure you don't get sick, that counts as caring about your well-being?” I found my cheeks getting flush, why was him asking like that making me feel embarrassed? As if I'm asking him something strange. He's acting like these are totally normal things to do and not weird at all in this situation.

“If I sell you to somebody and you're skin and bones, and you're sick? How much do you think they're going to offer for you exactly?” Oh… right…  I hadn't thought of that.

I didn't say anything, he just stared back at me as if waiting for some kind of reaction or response. I averted my eyes and just looked down at the bowl of soup in front of me, it smelled really good. I picked up the bowl and had a spoonful. I hated to admit it to myself, but it was tasty.  I heard him chuckle but I just ignored him, he knew it was good, and he knew I enjoyed it, and he knew that I felt embarrassed by it. I could just tell.  Maybe I was giving him too much credit, but that's definitely what it felt like.

There were mushrooms and dried fish that I had packed, in the soup. These mushrooms were not ones that I had foraged though, which could only mean that he had gone foraging for them while I was asleep. There were other flavours and some greenery in the soup that I didn't recognize. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, from what I could tell he was literally carrying nothing on him when I first saw him other than that axe. Which could only mean that he knew other ways to survive without needing to carry a bunch of things with him. It was still strange though, and I found myself having an urge to ask about it. But I couldn't bring myself to do it, I didn't want to show any interest in him. After all technically he's my kidnapper right now. Even if I have plans to use him right back, that is still the situation I'm currently in. 

After eating I found my self getting tired again, I was full and warm though so I guess it’s not all that surprising. Watching a crackling fire always made me sleepy too. Jay was still sitting up and had what was ether a notebook, or just a book in general in his hands. It looked like he was reading it and occasionally would write something in it with a pen. I was curious but, I didn’t want to risk growing any unnecessary attachments to my kidnapper. As I lied back down and just watched him from across the fire, a thought crossed my mind that I had been to tired to stop. He’s… actually very pretty… 

I don’t know what I dreamt exactly, but it felt comforting and warm. I didn’t have a moment to miss that feeling of safety though, as I was shocked awake by the deafening sound of a gunshot.