How long did I stand in my daze like that?

I don't know.

I waited for the storm inside me to subside so I could inhale without the burning sensation in my lungs. But the burning sensation gave way to cold.

I close the door and climb onto the bed. It's already dark in the room, but the wrapper with Ray's gift is yet distinguishable.

I pull out the gloves and twist them in my hands. My eyes sting, and the cold in my stomach coils like a snake.

Oh god... He offered me to date! But I feel as if I need to go on the scaffold. Why am I like this?!

Didn't I start looking at Ray differently? Wasn't his touch pleasant to me? Didn't I want to touch him too? I kissed him under the mistletoe...

And when he openly and honestly said he wanted to go out with me, I refused him. In the most cowardly and disgusting way. Silently, without proper words to protect him from the possible pain. To show him that I care.

I wanted Ray to be my friend and for everything to stay the same.

I clutch the gloves.

Now I feel like I don't deserve Ray's friendship. That I'm a lousy friend myself. A lousy friend and a lousy person who jumps from one bed to another and is scared shitless when things turn a little more serious than a hookup at the bar. And now there is one more thing added to all my feelings - self-deprecation.

And with every hour of this sleepless and endless night it intensifies because I understand that I am waiting for Ray to return and convince me that everything is fine, relieving me of these oppressive feelings. And I will be able to maintain my damn status quo. How pathetic.

I don't feel entitled to call Ray or even text him.

It's well past midnight, but I can't sleep. By two o'clock, all this serpentine tangle of emotions pushes me out of bed.

I get to Ray's house in a matter of minutes. All windows are dark.

I walk around the house. When we were kids, we did it often. He or I would sneak into the room to have a secret sleepover.

I climb to the visor easily. After all, I have become taller since when were kids.

I'm wearing the gloves that Ray gave me.

It's strange, but doing this makes me feel better than sitting in the room, devouring myself. If I had known, I would have come here earlier.

I move cautiously to Ray's window and peer inside, but I can't see a thing through the curtains. At the bottom of the frame, I see a small slit - Ray always left his window at least a bit ajar, saying that he could not wake up otherwise.

I hook up the sash and open the window. For a second, I wonder - what if this isn't Ray's room anymore? After all, he has not lived with his parents for a long time. It's okay if they have a closet, a gym, or a guest room here, but what if this is now Mr. and Mrs. Johnston's bedroom?

I poke my head inside and look around, immediately bumping into Ray's gaze. Startled, I almost slip off the visor.

"Hi," I whisper.

"Hi," Ray replies.

"May I come in?"

Ray nods. We act as if nothing happened before, and all this is completely normal.

I climb into the room and close the window. Pulling my gloves off with my teeth, I think about what I should start my speech with.

I just wanted to come. Somewhere on the edge of my mind, I knew that despite the fear and excitement, only here I could get rid of my painful feelings. Or rather, they'd stop being painful.

"How was it with your parents?" I start from afar. But Ray waves indifferently and rests his head on the pillow.

"Why did you come?" He asks, not looking at me.

"I forgot something," I say, stepping closer. I unzip my jacket and run my hand inside as I sit on the edge of the bed. Ray has to move a little.

My heart starts pounding in my ears again. Ray sits up and lights the lamp on the bedside table. His gaze focuses on me; I move closer. Now we are separated by a distance of less than an outstretched arm. I swallow nervously and lick my lips.

Finally, I pull the mistletoe ball out of my jacket. It got crumpled a little while I carried it. I raise it above our heads and smile foolishly at Ray. But he doesn't move.

Well, I had time to think. I don't want to experience what I felt without him. I move a bit, mistletoe swaying in my outstretched hand.

As I get closer to Ray's face, I catch a slight movement from his side. He stretches his neck towards me. It makes me smile. The pulse in my ears deafens me when I press my lips to his.

This time I do not break the kiss after a second. No. This time I open my mouth and cover his lips again. Ray leans forward. When I feel his hot palm grazing my cheek, the mistletoe falls out of my hand, bounces off my head, and then falls to the floor.

But I don't pay attention to it, kissing Ray and feeling as he kisses me back. With one hand, I hug Ray by the neck, and with the other, I touch his face and stroke his earlobe with my thumb.

My pounding heart reminds me of a cannonade. I'm short on breath. Ray helps me with my jacket, and I find myself with my back on his bed, right under him. He drops down to my face again and kisses me.

I don't think I've ever kissed that much. No, it's a lie... for some reason, now I feel bitter about it. I kissed a lot but never felt like this from kisses. They make me hotter and hotter, and I pull off my sweater and t-shirt. Ray presses against me with his whole body, hugging me.

Everything seems so fast, so chaotic. We didn't even have time to talk about anything, but now it doesn't seem to matter.

At the back of my mind, a disturbing thought looms that, in the morning, we both might regret it. But now I feel good, especially in comparison with how I felt recently. Even too good.

Ray is lying on me, wearing only his boxers, and I can feel the heat coming from him. At some point, he moans right into my mouth, and I understand what happened only a few seconds later when he pulls away from me, leaving a wet stain on my thigh.

He sits on the bed with his back to me. I am tempted to smile but don't. Instead, I sit behind Ray, rest my chin on his shoulder, and say in a whisper, "Just take them off."

"So, you do want to look at my cock!" Ray gloats, but his voice is trembling. Out of surprise, I do not even find what to answer. And I don't have time, because Ray kisses me again.

I take his hand and drive it to the belt on my jeans. Ray's hand slips into my unzipped fly, and I almost moan out loud but miraculously hold back.

Ray's movements are a little clumsy. His hand slides over the fabric of my underwear. I know it's unlikely, but it seems he deliberately teases me.

The fact that he sees me like this, that he's doing it to me is hard to digest at once. After all, we've been friends for so many years... But I feel too good to think.

Ray pulls off my jeans and continues to caress and tease me.

"Ray... please," I beg in a whisper. He whips his gaze at me and gulps but, at last, puts his hand into my underwear and takes me into his hands properly.

It doesn't take long...

After a few minutes, Ray takes a pair of boxers out of a drawer and hands one to me. I change under the blanket.

Ray crawls into bed, snuggles up to me, rubs his forehead against the side of my head, and exhales as if throwing off a heavy burden.

It's funny because I breathe out likewise.

Ray holds me close across my chest, lying on his side. I put my hand on his forearm and fall asleep sweetly.