T/W: Panic Attack

Nicholas and I share small talk for the majority of our meal.

He managed to get into the Academy by passing a test given to commoners once a year that attempts to find outstanding minds hidden within the masses. Granted, he only had to know how to read, write, and do very basic math, but that's apparently a pretty high bar for most commoners. He did get perfect marks though, so he's definitely no slouch.

He's planning on going into Magical Engineering - he didn't say why, but I suspect it has something to do with how his father died. I didn't press the issue, however - if he wants to tell me, he will. I could always find out from someone else, too.

Just as dinner is winding down, and students are slowly starting to filter out of the hall, I catch a glimpse of a group of students stealing glances at me. It looks like Maria is among their ranks, but is making a concerted effort not to look at me.

When I make eye contact with one of them, their eyes flash a murky yellow, before they quickly avert their gaze.

Well, Patricia Norton's eyes flashed yellow, and she and I had a nice conversation, so I don't think that there's much to worry about.

I look back to Nicholas, and notice that he seems to be having a hard time keeping his eyes open. Poor kid - he was probably too scared to walk away from the prince without permission. Even when someone has the balls to speak their mind, I guess they still feel the pressure to stick to etiquette.

"Hey - I'm going to head back to my dorm and get some rest. You should, too - we've got a big day tomorrow."

He groggily nods his head, and we both get up to leave. I momentarily consider taking our dishes with us, but it seems like everyone else has left theirs, including the commoners.

Hmm. I need to find a better term for them than commoners. It makes me sound like a douchebag.

Once we're outside, I take a deep breath of the crisp nighttime air. "Alright - you're good to get back to your dorm alone?"

"Yes, Your Highness. But…are you? Where is your knight escort?"

My eyes widen at that. I forgot that I'm supposed to meet her at the knight's eating area first!

"You head on over to your room - I've got to go meet her. Goodnight!"

"Wait - her?"

His question doesn't register in my mind as I rush back inside. Ugh, if she finds out I tried to leave without her, she's going to be so passed!

Just as I'm about to make my way through the corridor that separates the knights from the students, a young lady steps in front of me, blocking my way. I immediately recognize her - it's Maria Thevenin.

"Oh, hey - you here for your knight, too?"

"No, Your Highness - just you." Her eyes flash a sickly green.

I frown in concern. "Uhh…yeah? What for?"

"I noticed you speaking with that commoner boy. I just want to make sure that you aren't mixing in with the wrong crowd. I wouldn't want you…besmirching your reputation." She lets out a little giggle. Under normal circumstances, I would find her giggle quite cute. Honestly, I still do. It's much better than that stupid fucking fake laugh.

Doesn't change the fact that what prompted the giggle is pissing me off.

"I don't see how who I spend my time with is your concern."

"Oh, but it is, Your Highness. You see, if you lower yourself to the level of a commoner, you lower all of us. It is quite a tarnish upon the dignity of the nobility. And that you went out of your way to speak with him, rather than coming back to continue your conversation with me…well, I'm quite insulted!

"However, Your Highness…I would be honored to assist you in recovering your noble stature. I could…point you in the right direction."

I narrow my eyes at her. Try though I might, I just can't figure out what her intentions are. Does she think she's doing the right thing? I mean, her eyes did flash green, but…they looked…wrong.

I think I should just avoid this entirely.

"Look, I appreciate the concern, but it's unfounded." I move to walk around her. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to meet up with my knight, and head to my dorm. You should, too. We've both got a long day ahead of us."

"Oh my…if you are unwilling to learn from me…perhaps I could simply teach that commoner boy a lesson about knowing his place? So that he no longer drags you down with him?"

I stop dead in my tracks to glare at her. My heart begins to race, and I can immediately feel my temper flaring up.

"The fuck did you just say?"

"I…I'm sorry?"

"Yeah. You should be. Because if a single hair on that kid's head is harmed, it's your ass on the line. You feel me?"

"I…Are you…threatening me?"

"Oh, don't worry - it's not a threat. It's a promise. If you go after that kid, or any other kid in this school, I'll make your life a living hell." I shake my head at her, and I'm filled with disgust.

"I mean, for fuck's sake, do you really have nothing of value in your life, that this is what you do in your spare time? Is your life really that pathetic, that you have to make other people as miserable as you?"

She stares at me, completely speechless. I scoff, and storm off, making my way towards the knight's eating area.

My head cools down with every stop, and it takes everything in me to not rush back and apologize for shouting. I don't want to look weird or stupid, and just the thought of talking to her again fills me with anxiety.

God, I hate this. I hate all of this. Why did I have to be reincarnated into a prince, going to fucking school? Why did I have to be put here and now, where I'm going to constantly be at the center of attention?

And why - why in the unholy fuck did I say those things!? I've never so readily expressed my thoughts, and I've certainly never had such a short temper. Is this what I've inherited from Eric? A regression in my ability to keep my mouth shut?

Am I going to be stuck just blurting out my thoughts every time I get emotional!?

And why is everything so obtuse and complicated? Even this so-called boon only serves to confuse me.

I just wish I was back home. I didn't ask to be here - I didn't ask to be a prince. I just wanted to be an engineer.

I just want to go home, watch TV, play a video game, and see my family. Is that really so much to ask for?

And I don't even have anyone I can talk to. I can't tell anyone I miss my family, because my "family" is a carriage ride away. I can't tell anyone that I miss my friends, because I don't have any friends. And I certainly can't tell anyone that I miss being myself, because I'm not even me anymore, but nobody knows that, and nobody can know that.

By the time I've met up with Dame Alex, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. It must be obvious, as she immediately rushes over to me, and silently escorts me out of the mess hall via a back door.

My face flushes in embarrassment as we finally exit into the vacant courtyard. Once she's checked that there's nobody around, she sits me down on a bench off to the side.

"Your Highness…are you alright?"

The concern in her eyes hits me hard. It's concern for Eric Moore - but not for me. It's concern I don't deserve. It's concern I never asked for.

A whirlwind of emotions overcome me. I struggle to choke back sobs, but…I can't. I just…I can't. It's all…it's just too much…

"I…I don't think I can do this…"

"Do what, Your Highness?"

"This!" I gesture to myself. "Be…be this!"

"Your Highness…what are you talking about? Please, tell me - I am your knight. I am here not only to keep you safe, but also to be your confidant. You can tell me."

In what feels like a split second later, she's staring at me with wide eyes. Her irises start to cycle a variety of colors, and her expression is inscrutable.

"Your Highness…is that…is that…true?"

It takes me a second to figure out what's going on, as I piece together everything in a daze.

I've just had a massive panic attack - probably the biggest panic attack I've ever had. It's understandable, given the circumstances, but I hate that it was brought on by a shitty kid being shitty.

I must've blacked out just now. I don't know what I told her, and that makes me begin to spiral all over again!

I clutch the sides of my head and curl in my legs as I struggle to calm this maelstrom. I can hardly breathe, but I don't want to have another panic attack. I need to calm down.

Every deep breath is a struggle. Every heartbeat is a thundering explosion in my chest - it feels like my entire body is pulsating.

My vision is fading.

I can hardly think, and I can hardly breathe.

I barely hear her voice as my eyes drift shut.