“Everything I love leaves me…” He said, standing behind the door, the door felt cool and stable behind his back. A calming strength he needed when he wasn’t quite sure his legs had the strength to stand. His knees wobbled for a moment. He was glad it was dark in the storage for the costumes. He was glad that there had been a place to hide so close by.
His heart was breaking he didn’t want to be under the fluorescent lights of the Nakagawa High hallways. He knew how it showed every blemish, highlighted every dark circle, or red, sleepy teary eyes.
And after what he had heard in the hall, he knew his face was awash with every ache and pain he felt in his soul right now.
His world was shattering into a billion pieces, and then the world had decided that it, too, was not enough. That on top of it, it was time to crush those pieces into dust.
Yuichi’s voice echoed in his ears loudly.
“I don’t want to be friends with Yamada anymore. That relationship is dead to me. I want to start over. Stop putting me in the same boat as him all the time, we are not the same. We are super different. Yamada is not the same as me.”
There was a heavy pang in Yamada’s chest.
‘Thirteen years, I… I have seen literally everything, been through it all. Now that we are finishing fourth year, what he wants to throw me away?’
“Why does everything I love leave me?” Yamada asked. The clothes didn’t answer him. Their sparkling sequins still capturing the smallest of reflection of light in the darkness and twinkling dimly.
It’s sparkle made him bitter.
“Maybe, it’s because you have put all your effort into loving the wrong things. Because if they loved you back they would never leave.” Yuichi’s voice sounded deeper and slightly hollow through the door.
Yamada’s breath caught in his chest. ‘He heard me… No he saw me. He followed me… Why?’
“So are you saying you will never leave me?” Yamada asked hoping he was too quiet for those words to actually reach Yuichi through the door, his voice cracked as he whispered it. But there was no response. ‘He didn’t.’ He thought angrily.
“Yamada, I know you can hear me.” Yuichi said.
Yamada clutched his shirt rubbing a slow circle on his chest. His shirt darkened right below his fingers and he touched the newly darkened pink colour. ‘Ah, it’s wet.’ Yamada reached up a finger and wiped the tear that had left a streak of warmth as it had spilled out.
‘I’m crying… Why am I crying? Why, why, it hurts so much.”
“Why?”
“Why? Yamada… Are you asking why because you don’t know? Or because you are too scared to accept the answer?” Yuichi asked.
Yamada opened his mouth to answer but his voice wouldn’t come out of his throat. So he just cried, to broken to even make a sound come out to defend his own heart.
Yuichi’s sigh penetrated through the door.
‘It sounds sad.’ He thought.
His heart panged tightly in his chest. ‘He sounds sad, but I am the one hurting. It hurts to hear him so sad, but he wants to throw me away. He has been distancing himself for a while. You should have seen it coming you, idiot.’
"Yamada, can you open the door and let me in?” Yuichi's voice asked gently. There was another pause.
“You missed the rest fo the conversation. I am saying I love you too much for that to even be an option. I gravitate around you. I don’t know when it started. When your presence started to pull me in. But now I am stuck orbiting around you, and I don’t think I can get away. Yamada, I won’t leave you. Because…”
Yamada turned pounding his fists on the door. “Because you can’t.” He yelled interrupting Yuichi. Yamada placed his head against the door and the tears fell freely steadily from his eyes onto the grey and monochrome carpet below. He blinked as the carpet moved.
‘Is my vision blurring from all the crying?’ It took a second but his brain finally caught up as his socks rubbed against the carpet warming up as Yuichi pushed him back easily pushing the door open.
Yamada turned, refusing to look back up, scared Yuichi would see his tears. ‘Don’t look, Don’t look, Don’t look at me.’ he repeated like a prayer inside himself.
One of Yuichi’s big strong arms wrapped around him in that familiar way that they always did every day. Sliding around the top of his shoulder. Like he was coming in to tease and play with him as they always did. ‘I don’t want that touch right now Yuichi, I don’t want you to put your arm around my shoulder and mess up my hair like you always do. That’s not the kinda love I want anymore! God, this hurts.’
Yuichi’s other arm came around and pulled him in until it buried his face in Yuichi’s sweater.
‘He’s… He’s hugging me?!’ Yamada thought.
‘He smells so good. Like cinnamon. I’ve always loved that smell.’
“Because I don’t want too like you like that anymore. Actually I don't think I can treat you like that anymore, it isn't possible to go back. Because I love you.” There was another long pause.
“Yamada you idiot, I am saying I love you more than a friend should. I think I have always known. I think I couldn’t accept those feelings until now. But I always knew it in my heart.” Yuichi said.
Yamada finally looked up. As those words sunk in. “You feel, like, the same as me?” He said stupidly.
Yuichi nodded slowly, but firmly.
“I have always felt possessive of you.”
“I disliked it when other people came towards you. And if anyone showed you a little bit of affection, I would seethe inside. I hated it. I hated people touching you without your consent. People asking things of you, using you. It made me angry, it made my skin crawl and my blood boil. I felt like I needed to let off steam, so I joined sports. Any time I wanted to yell at someone for asking you to do stuff for them. God, you are such a pushover, that at least once a week I felt like I was going to rip someone’s head off. It festered inside me, all this anger, just eating me alive. I wanted to tell them they couldn’t hurt and use you like that. That you are precious. But it wasn’t my place. And as we got older, every time the feelings inside me drew stronger I would do something else to push you away and treat you like the friend I thought we should be. I tried to force us both into a box that neither one of us wanted to be in. But worst of all I did it on purpose. I did it seeing how much it hurt you. I’ve known for a while that you liked me. And I kept silent. Worse than keeping silent. I tried my hardest the past six months to convince you that you had somehow gotten it all wrong, I tried to convince you that you were reading into things, that what you were seeing and feeling was wrong. I purposefully made you believe feelings you were feeling were not real.” Yuichi laughed. I have been miserable, these past six months I have been disgusted with myself and loathing every day I hurt you on purpose to give myself a sliver of repreive from facing my feelings. I was disgusting."
Yamada blinked. ‘Yuichi’s crying. I haven never seen Yuichi cry not since he was four.’
“You’re crying!” Yamada said softly.
“Of course I am crying you, idiot. I don’t really know what to do with myself right now. I feel so dumb. Right now, I don't like myself. No, I haven’t liked myself in a long time.”
“I hurt you, I hurt me. I hurt everyone I care about and I did it on purpose because I was too scared to accept what I was feeling as the truth.” Yuichi pulled his arm free and rubbed the tears from his eyes angrily with the back of his hand before rubbing it on the front of his yellow sweater.
“I love you too.” Yamada whispered. Happily.
Those words were like a battering ram to his heart. They hurt him so much. But at the same time they filled him with a calmness and peace he hadn’t felt in since it had shattered into a million pieces months and months ago, and again today. Tears of release streamed down his face as he realized his agony was finally over.
“I love you.” Yuichi whispered back, while pulling Yamada close. Yamada blinked, but Yuchi’s lips pressed against his cheek, first right then left, slowly, gingerly kissing those delicate tears away.
“It’ll be okay now Yamada, we have each other.” Yuichi said.
Yamada chuckled. It felt weird laughing while they both had tears streaming down their faces, while both of their hearts were broken and they were struggling to pick up the pieces.
“Stupid. Stupid, Yuichi. When have we not had each other?” Yamada asked. Looking back into those deep dark eyes of Yuichi’s. They were steady, like always. That comfort and familiarity sunk into his weary bones. it made him happy and safe. Fell loved and desired.
Yuichi leaned forward. “You are going to have to be careful from now on. My body gets shivers when you look at me like that.”
“Oh, really?” Yamada asked, gently.
Yuichi leaned in even further. “Yeah.” His warm lips pressed onto Yamada’s and Yamada melted into the feeling he had dreamt about so many times he had lost count.
Only this time it wasn’t a dream and real warmth seeped into his lips as Yuichi’s saliva pressed against his lips first gently and then pressing for more. Yamada opened just a bit to get a better breath in through is nose and mouth. That was all it took, Yuichi slid his tongue inside easily, flicking it in tenderly.
Yamada’s knees buckled, but Yuichi was there to grasp him even tighter. His breath was pulled out of him as he struggled to remain down on earth and not float up to heaven.
But then there was a rush of air, and Yuichi wasn’t there anymore. Yamada blinked up at Yuichi in surprise.
Yuichi smirked and reached up then pinched Yamada’s cheek quickly. “I will not suppress it any time you make me feel like that anymore. So be prepared. Okay? Let’s get back to class.” Yuichi said. Then turned on his heel.
Yamada wiped his bottom lip with his finger still trying to process everything. His brain put two and two together after a moment. ‘Wait is he saying that he is just going to kiss me like this whenever he feels like it?’
“Wait, what?!” Yamada asked. Blinking stupidly.
“Every time?” He called after Yuichi who was walking out of the room and down the hall.
Yuichi shoved both hands in his pockets and turned to face Yamada. Yamada had to pull his steps back as Yuichi came to such an abrupt halt, as he had been following behind him like a puppy.
“You’re being to cute again Yamada. Now look what you made me do. I have to put my hands in my pocket just to resist the urge to reach out and kiss you again.”
“Eh? What? You mean anytime you put both hands in your pockets you want to kiss me?” Yamada asked stupidly.
Yuichi nodded. “Yup.”
“Why would you tell me that! Now anytime you move both your hands down to your pants I am going to be thinking about that!” Yamada blurted. Then froze.
‘Wait, what did I just say?’
“No, wait. I didn’t mean it like that.” Yamada protested stuttering out of embarrassment as heat rushed to his ears and nose.
Yuichi laughed loudly. “Your nose is pink again, you’re embarrassed.” Yuichi removed his left hand reached out and ruffled Yamada’s hair before Yamada could flinch away from it.
“I look forward to making your heart flutter and your mind turn indecent then.” He said smirking.
He winked and then turned and started walking again.
“Yuichi, you’re such a bully!” Yamada called after him, feeling utterly flustered and embarrassed.
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